2 AM Disturbances

The book club was supposed to start July the Fourth, but seeing as that is a significant holiday, I'm not surprised that no one posted anything.  I myself, in fact, let the day slip away from me.  I intended to take care of it first thing in the morning, but I didn't give myself a reminder (as I warned myself I should).  And so, my friends, it did not get done.

Good news is that I am now prepared for this Saturday.  The book club will begin this Saturday the 11th and this round will continue for four weeks.  I explain what to do at the first meeting, which is this Saturday, but for now, get your book and get excited!!!

Also, my new blog is close to being "launchable."  I'm not totally happy with it, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to move over there before it's totally done and allow it to be a work in progress.  Reluctantly, I asked my boyfriend for a photo shoot – because I don't like being photographed and he loves photography – and so we spent part of Sunday shooting a camera at me, and it was actually kind of fun.  He's being looking through the photos and found some good ones, so those will be going up on the website soon.  I am breaking the barrier between me and you!  You shall truly get to know what I look like.  (Even sound like…??????)

In other news?  Um….  If you're into knitting, check out this page and knit with me!  "Knitting Thursday" every, well, Thursday.

Story time:

So last night, I woke up to loud music and talking just before 1:30 AM.  It was clearly coming from the vicinity of my black neighbors – I say black neighbors because, well, they're black.  Which distinguishes them from my other neighbors.  They don't live in my apartment complex, but in the apartments on the next property over.  They tend to talk very loudly and shout often.  I've been afraid to approach them because they seem so unfriendly….  But last night, they were making a ton of noise.  Or visitors of theirs were.  I didn't want to get up to check.  I rolled over and hoped to get back to sleep.  But finally, car doors slammed and the noise quieted.  But then my neighbors – husband and wife I assume – continued to talk and yell at each other the only way they know how.  And it was 1:30 in the morning.  She seemed to deliberately provoke him – she must be a very unhappy person or just really grumpy at 1:30 in the morning – and I sympathize.

Finally – I didn't hear the car pull up but I heard the voices over the radio.  Almost 2 AM and, I checked, the police had pulled up.  It almost instantly got quieter, although you could hear them still yelling at each other from inside their apartment.

Whew!  What a night.  Took me forever to get back to sleep.  The police stuck around outside for awhile, and some other people seemed to be hanging out, but it was hard to see because it was 2 in the morning.  I'm not sure what was going on.  But eventually I realized that I hadn't heard a sound for a little while and I assumed everyone had gone or went into their respective doors.  And after a bit longer, I fell asleep.

Tonight, it's pouring rain and I love it.  I like falling asleep to the sound of rain on the roof.

That's all I have for now.  Thanks for sticking around!

~Meggy

When Edna and Bilbo come together… in other words, I'm really tired………

I feel a little like Edna: "It will be bold.  Dramatic!  Heroic!!"

I'm sitting here, thinking about where I want to go with blogging, and I'm realizing – it's got to catch up with me.  No more, "Wellll… that looks pretty cute, we'll go with that design."  Never again, "That's what I've always done," or, "This is what I've seen others do."  This blog has to be me.

So I'm brainstorming.  What's me?  Well, I'm creative but I'm professional.  I'm shy, but I'm determined.  I'm quiet but not boring.  My main hobbies include gardening, knitting, writing, baking, and… literature in general.  How is this all going to come together?  It's like being Irish, Italian, and German all at the same time.  Wait.  I am.

I'm working on a surprise for you, and I'm hoping that it'll be ready for you by Saturday - fingers crossed!  But I can't make any promises.  I'm checking my email regularly for the information I need….  If you're still reading and you'd like to know what it is, let me know in the comments!  I'll make sure you get notified one way or another. :)

But more importantly, I'm looking for new blogs to follow.  A week or two ago, I went through the list of blogs I used to read and… they are like old Scotish castles, falling to ruin on the hillside.  I actually don't know if there are many Scotish castles falling to ruin on the hillside, but the point is that many of my favorite blogs are no longer being updated, and that has me sad.  I'll be perusing around a bit, but I'd love to hear about a few of your favorite blogs.  I can't wait to dive into them!

Well, I think I'm quite ready for another adventure.

photo courtesy of…

~Meggy

P.S. – I've probably said this before, but you should try listening to Enya Radio on Pandora.  It can be really motivating sometimes.

Elder Days of Yesteryear – But Not Now

Please forgive me for not updating this blog EVER.  I'm very busy now.  I work for my school newspaper as web editor (The Troubadour), I am a technician's aid in the virtual conference lab, and I'm an eLearning Assistant aid, so when I'm not producing media for other people, I'm studying for my five classes ranging between 200 level and 400 level.

It's a lot, but it's not too difficult to keep up.

Anyway, as I've said before, my new blog has long been up and running and I'm committed to getting something out every two weeks.  If you're not interested in the nice little reflections and daily craziness that I used to share on this blog, you might enjoy Our Hearts Unhindered….  But if you don't really need another Matt Walsh type blog (only not as professional or snarky), then Our Hearts Unhindered may not be for you.  The only way I can recommend it is to say that it comes from me.  And it is my personal thoughts and experiences.  Only one of my friends knows about it because the topics and the non-specific experiences I relate could embarrass my acquaintances –

So if you do read it, please, please, if you want to, comment on the quality and material.  I do a lot of writing and I'm fairly good at it, but nearly all of my writing never comes under scrutiny.  My writing may not improve much unless someone points out that it sounds very dull indeed, or that it doesn't flow logically.  And my beliefs and my understanding of the world will not grow if no one challenges me.  I mean, if you're inclined to do that sort of stuff… please do.

I generally have a "no comment" policy, meaning that I will not reply directly to comments.  This is because it hinders the conversation, I find.  It also is not super professional.  So if you'd like to discuss something with me directly, there is a contact form; but please also leave a comment so others can see and contribute.

But y'all don't want to hear about my blog!

My sister had spinal fusion surgery yesterday because of her scoliosis and so I drove home yesterday afternoon into the night to visit her today.  It's really nice to be back in my own room, and I had forgotten how quiet it gets at night in the country.  People sleep and stuff.

The surgery went as expected and she's recovering well, but she's very tired.  She had to keep rolling over from side to side all night long so she didn't get much sleep, and getting out of bed is, I hear, I bit exhausting.  But I'm going in to see her today and I'm really excited.  She's my baby.

There's this song that I can't decided whether I like or not – so I'm thinking probably not really.  Anyway, a fraternity at some school somewhere made their own video to it and it's actually really impressive (…to me anyway).  So, as if in tribute to the elder days of yesteryear, I'll leave this here:

~Meggy

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE….

Unfortunately, the story I was working on hit a dead end.  I realized it wasn't what I wanted.  So I'm starting over – reworking some of the details, bringing back some of the ones I dropped, and further developing some of the themes.

In a few weeks, I head off to Austria for my semester abroad.  Should be interesting!  I lost my best friend last semester and did not join a household.  What's more, my boyfriend is not coming with me.  Also, all my best relationships right now – which I really can't call close – are with guys.  And the guy I'm on awkward terms with is coming.  So this is about to get interesting.  Not that I don't have girl friends, and not that my relationship with my not-so-best-anymore friend is irredeemable, but we shall see, won't we!

I was really nervous about going to Europe, and I still am.  But I watched Beauty and the Beast the other day.  It reminded me of my childhood and how I used to set myself in a depressive mood wishing I could get away from home and go on an adventure.  And I was like, "Heck, this is my adventure!"  (On a related note, I'm like Bilbo Baggins!  I know, right?)  Not that the rest of my life isn't an adventure – there are a lot of psychological possibilities there….  I'm not really afraid.  I know it will work out.  I've looked the whole thing over and I'm trying hard to be responsible.  I haven't yet found myself in a hole I couldn't get out of and I don't plan on jumping into one anytime soon.

Well… that's all I've got for now.  Although there's a lot more I could say, I suppose.  Like I've been watching a lot of "Psych" lately, and I finally cleaned up and organized my room and that makes me SO HAPPY!  I could also talk about all the stuff I've been checking out of the library, how I've been loving hanging out at the library while my sister is volunteering, and about the contact lenses I'm finally getting.  Ooh and the clothes I've bought!  And the totes adorbs hairstyle I finally settled on!  And how I cut it myself!  But I won't.

It's getting late.  And my roommate/sister is supposed to be asleep so I better get to the task at hand.

~Meggy

FROZEN

Okay, this is ridiculous.  I'm going to go see Frozen in the theaters.

People seem to be divided between hating it and loving it.  Personally, I'm skeptical.  I haven't been blown away by the singing I've heard, or even by the songs themselves.  But hey, I'll wait until I see the movie.  I was going to wait until I could rent it and watch it in my living room, or watch it on Netflix.  But I am tired of wondering about the truth and adopting other's evaluations of it.  If I walk out of that theater loving it, it's going to be hard to come to grips with….  But I'll give it a shot.

Have you seen it?  What did you think?

~Meggy

A Request to Writers

Please don't treat readers like they can't figure it out.

I love Diana Wynne Jones' books, but there are definitely lines and passages where I cringe and wonder, "Were you even trying?"  Her stories are wonderfully imaginative and they inspire me to write, inspiration which is very needed lately – but sometimes the way she phrases what she wants to say is just so… lame.  It was especially noticeable after I began reading her books aloud to my sister, and there were just some areas that I felt stupid saying aloud.  Granted, I think she's catering to a younger audience than me – certainly, my young sister found no fault with Jones – but even so, I have to wonder sometimes.

And I was thinking about it when I was writing this morning.

Well, that's all I have to say on that.

Next time, I think I'll talk about narrative voice.  Cuz it's awesome.

~Meggy

Blank Christmas Home Cookies

I wish I had something to write here.  I truly do.  I truly, dupily do.  But my mind is a blank.  A fat ole blank.  Imagine a white sheet of paper, then take an eraser and shimmy it all over the paper, then take liquid white out and spill it out on the paper and spread it around, then crumple it up and throw it in a can of white paint, and when the paper dries – that's how blank my mind is.

As white as the foot of snow we have.

Mmm but Christmas is coming.  We have decorations up, and we're lighting our Advent wreath, and presents are beginning to stack up under the tree.  I know some people don't decorate their tree until Christmas Eve, which sounds like a lovely tradition but then you have a big ole ugly tree sitting in your house for weeks until Christmas Eve.  We decorate the tree as soon as we get it up.  What do you do?

It's funny being away at college and coming home to a slightly different atmosphere.  The dog and cat have gotten into bad habits.  I've been discovering that it has to do with their masters not being as firm with them as they maybe should be.  And, you know, with time, it's sometimes hard to see the hurt you do to others with your daily words and actions.  Some individuals, if not all, have perhaps slipped a little when it comes to that.  But on the other hand, my siblings have gotten older and matured.  I can talk to my baby sister like an adult now.  We went out shopping the other day and she was very helpful assisting me navigate complicated streets.  We had intelligent conversations.  It's nice to be home.

On a lighter note, my boyfriend sent me a great recipe for oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and I'm going to do some baking today in our oven.  Mmm yum yum yum.  What's better than cookies?

~Meggy

SPARKLES

Wow, life has been so busy!  So much has happened the last few weeks, I can hardly believe that I last visited over half a month ago!

For one thing, I "intented" to a Household here on campus (kind of like a sorority) and then I dropped my "intentship."  I went through a lot of drama with friends and got through it.  My grades rose and fell and rose and fell and… well, you get the picture.

A guy professed his interest for me to my best friend only a day or two after meeting me.  He is now my boyfriend.  [I actually mentioned that incident in this post.]  He is such a sweetheart, and a romantic.  I always regarded myself as a romantic in my head, but I'm far too cynical and shy for that – this guy far out-romances me.  But he's not showy or flamboyant.  And he respects me.  He values me and cherishes me, communication has been the foundation of our relationship, and we talked about a relationship long before we decided to date.  He was perfectly willing to wait for me to be ready.  We're studying abroad in consecutive semesters, which is going to suck, but I think we can do it.  He's just about a foot taller than me, and not at all my usual type – but so cute in other ways.  I trust him and I'm comfortable with him.  He's sweetly awkward and dorky; such a Southern gentleman.  I love watching him get so happy and excited over our developing relationship.  (His seldom-used nickname is Sparkles.)

And as the semester winds down and finals approach, I'm going to get really busy.  And Thanksgiving will pass; and Christmas will come; and New Years will chime – and this time, I'll have a boyfriend.

Sappy, I know, but hey, I have a boyfriend :)

~Meggy

Eeyore

I… was going to write about something… but now I don't remember what.  Hmm.  Huh.  Befuddled.

Well!  Anyway, have you checked out my new blog yet?  I'd really appreciate it if you would!  And also, if you're on Facebook, follow the blog on Facebook!  I'm not exactly sure why… but I want to promote my new blog and make it something real.  I want to take my blogging to the next level.

I guess we'll see!

I suppose next time I'll talk about Franciscan households, intenting, and maybe post a vague reflection on a relationship that's finally crumbling around me.  Fun stuff.  Nothing you haven't already heard from me before.  But you'll want to read it anyway.  Because I'm just that awesome.  Yup.

Someone recently compared me to Eeyore.  I love it!  I'm totally like Eeyore!

http://www.winnie-pooh.org/eeyore-quotes.htm

"Eeyore, what are you doing there?" said Rabbit.
"I'll give you three guesses, Rabbit. Digging holes in the ground? Wrong. Leaping from branch to branch of a young oak tree? Wrong. Waiting for somebody to help me out of the river? Right. Give Rabbit time, and he'll always get the answer."
"But, Eeyore," said Pooh in distress, "what can we - I mean, how shall we - do you think if we -"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "One of those would be just the thing. Thank you, Pooh."

"I might have known," said Eeyore. "After all, one can't complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said 'Bother!'. The Social Round. Always something going on."

Well.  Anyway.  I should be getting to bed about now….

Night all

~Meggy

Baby Girl

Life has been busy.  Between crazy classes and crazy drama, I've been having a hard time figuring out whether to laugh or cry.

You may remember "boy-who-messed-up-my-last-semester."  Our contact this semester has been awkward and the terms of our friendship are largely undefined.  Sometimes it hurts to see him – even more likely when he's with his girlfriend – and sometimes it doesn't bother me.  In theory, I smile to think he's happy; I'm happy, too.  But the reality is I'm sad things ended so badly, and I begrudge the fact that he felt it necessary to pull so far out of my life.  Maybe he's the wise one….  I couldn't say.

Another guy friend of mine has indirectly ended our friendship by deciding to completely remove the girl, who is my best friend, from his life.  He has a determined, leaning on the prideful side, headstrong personality, and this semester those irritating character traits of his seem to be worse.  I couldn't say for certain what and why… but I'm not the only one who thinks so.  Friends of mine have come to me and basically said, "What is going on with that guy?"  And he seems to have pushed away at least a few people.  The number one concern on the back of my mind is that he's almost secluded himself in a small, narrow community – harder for me or anyone else to reach out to him and see if there's a healthier balance.  But also, he was always there for me; and yet those moments of support always had a certain amount of "let me do my duty and check in on you but not really go out of my way otherwise" feeling to it.  I feel that way all the more now that he literally abandoned me when I wanted to hang out with him, simply because he didn't want to get involved in the drama my best friend was going through at the time.

There's also a guy who's into me, which he had decided after only knowing me for two days.  He's been behaving himself very well for the most part, but I had rather hoped that the initial infatuation had worn off – such is very much not the case.  The other night, we somehow ended up in a common room alone for a long time.  Instead of continuing to watch Doctor Who, we started talking – which is nice, right?  But you've got to be careful when you're with a guy who is way more into you than you are into him.  My best guy friend calls him my "stalker."  …Not seriously, of course.  This guy and I are good friends now and he's friends with my friends…and so on….

But so far, it's all been bad news, hasn't it?

I had a really nice conversation with my baby sister tonight.  I kept her up until 11; but she's thirteen now, and it's amazing to tell to her about things and listen to her responses.  It's not that she has experienced these things or understands what I'm experiencing, but she's older now, less of a child and more of a woman.  I love that little girl so much and I miss her.

In other news, I intented to Daughters of Jerusalem household; and I'm spending all day tomorrow in Pittsburgh.  More on that soon!

~Meggy

Goes Away

My third week of school is over and one big thing I've learned is that nothing just goes away.  Wounds don't disappear, habits don't die, and trouble never leaves you.

I've a pretty good handle on my anxiety, but this isn't always the case.  There are times when I'm really struggling to be chill.  And there are times when I'm on top of assignments and there are times when I get back to my dorm at night with tons to do.  Sometimes I overreact or act out, and sometimes I'm too quiet.

When I found out that an ex-friend of mine got himself a girlfriend, it messed me up for a few days.  I had a debilitating physiological response when I saw him.  My palms went cold and clammy; I was shaking; I couldn't breathe fast enough to keep up with the rate of my heartbeat.  The anxiety was mind-numbing.

Twice, I saw him and the intense anxiety attack followed.  But the second time, I was prepared for it.  I calmed myself down, he didn't even see me, and the world moved on.

The problem is that I can't figure him out.  Most of the time, he ignores me; and then he'll do something like come up behind me and tickle me behind the ear.  Most of the time, I ignore him because I don't know which version of him woke up that day.  Thing is, there have been times when I know he knows I'm there – our eyes lock, I catch him glancing at me – but he doesn't try to get my attention or say hi or even smile.  Can't get so much as a "SUP."

For a while, I excused him.  I figured, we're awkward, he's conflicted over me, he's got other friends, we're not that close….  But that's a bunch of bushwinkle.

Here's a text conversation I recently had with another guy friend of mine:

Where have you been all day??  I wanted to wish you a happy birthday lol

Dorm lol

Well, then, happy birthday

Lol thanx :)

That was all.  So now I need to explain why this conversation worried me.

At the end of this chat, I had this subtle alarm going off in the back of my mind.  I was being a nuisance, insisting that I ought to have seen him around.  I was clingy, manipulative, domineering.  I was pathetic, screwing up another relationship like this.  He can do whatever he wants, and if he doesn't want to spend his birthday with me, then who am I to demand otherwise?  I'm going to lose him.  Again.  I was going to lose someone that I care about.  Again.

My ex-friend taught me to feel like this.

I won't say that I was having an anxiety attack over this brief conversation with my guy friend, but I felt like I had to back off and leave him alone for a while; let him approach me; let him know that I was indifferent, that I wasn't trying to make him do things for me.

When I saw him the next day, everything was fine and dandy.  He was happy to see me, even apologetic for being so elusive.  He gave me a hug – which are rarer these days because he has a girlfriend now – and I wished him a happy birthday.  And as we went on with our separate daily tasks, he wished me a good one.

And everything was fine.

He can't possibly know how much that stood out to me.  When I saw him in the crowd, coming down the hall, I was prepared for a mere half-smile and he would go on by.  But that is not him, and I should have known that.  He has always baffled me with the way that he insisted on being interested in me, no matter how many long awkward moments we had.  For some reason, I was never good at talking to him.  We've had many long pauses, lots of hangout sessions where we just stare at our computers and say hardly a word.  But he kept asking to hang out with me.  Even now, he is deeply devoted to his girlfriend but he still likes hanging out with me.  He's really nice, and we're not very close – but we're good.

But he made me realize, once again, that what happened with that ex-friend was not my fault.  I was naive, innocent, inexperienced… sure.  But I still am.  And lots of people still like me, get along with me, seek me out, wave at me across the room even if we've only hung out one-on-one a few times – even after my most awkward moments.  The disaster that happened between my ex-friend and me was not my fault, as I had come to believe.  After all, I was struggling with depression and had an anxiety attack when he pushed me away – but he pushed me away.

I've discovered that it's actually easier to say it was my fault than to admit that he was wrong.  Because if it was my fault, then it was not his, and he didn't hurt me.  But if it's his fault, then my heart rips open again and bleeds hard.  So I've been struggling with that with what feels like a week but has only been the past couple of days.  I'm okay, but he really did hurt me; and now every time I see him, I wonder, "Who is he?"

I don't acknowledge him, for the most part.  I've wrestled with that decision but I think it's the best one. I think most would agree, with the exception of a few people that might say that I should encourage him to think I want to be friends.  The problem with the latter philosophy is that I spent the end of last semester thinking like that and it was painful; and furthermore, it didn't work.  He was just as good at "not seeing" me when I said hi as when I didn't.  And this way, even when I look right at him, I am at least being consistent, which is my main complaint against him.  I show him that I don't want to play that game anymore.  He has no control over me; I couldn't (in practice) care less about him.  If he wants me, he has to come get me.  I'm not chasing after him anymore.  It's all on him.

Not acknowledging him also encourages me to let him go and to stop trying to make him like me.  That was my main problem last semester.  I thought that if I went out of my way to say hi, like most friends would, that he would want to be friends.  Friendship would just come naturally if I presumed it.  But he didn't read the script, apparently.  My attempts only left me feeling frustrated, rejected, and obsessed.

Crazy, as he put it.

But I've decided not to try to contact him and talk to him about it.  If we talk about it, a decision has to be reached.  I would have to say, "Either be friendly or leave me alone."  Once that decision is made, he will either stick to it or he won't, but howsoever that may be, it would be sticking a tombstone in our relationship and minimizing the room for growth.  Perhaps he will grow and mature and we could some day be friends; but not if I tell him he needs to leave me alone.  And ultimately, I'd like us to find healing one day.

So I've learned that nothing just goes away.  But that can be a good thing, too.  And the bad reminds me to cherish the good, which is oh so precious to me.

I'm genuinely bewildered by much of the good in my life, so it's awesome and amazing.  It's hard to let it do what it has to do.

~Meggy

P.S.  Did you make it all the way to the end?

The Trick

I am so incredibly addicted to this song right now.  Every time it comes to a close, I lament that it is so short!

The other trick is that I packed all my stuff for college into so such a compact little collection of green boxes and various shoulder bags.  Plus this year I'm bringing a rug and a fridge!  I can't wait!  We're leaving really early tomorrow morning, and I'll get there mid-afternoon.  There are so many people I can't wait to see.  I'm not really looking forward to classes as much as I would have thought… but I'm sure I'll be excited once I get started.

So I've heard of Sick Puppies but never listened to them until now.  I'm not sure what's up with them – what's going on behind their lyrics and in their lives – but all I know is I love their most recent album, with the exception of a few songs perhaps….  But anyway, oh my gosh, I listen to it so much on Spotify.

Also liking The Script's "Hall of Fame."

And so far, I'm not tired of this song yet:

And this song will always make me smile:

I'm gonna miss being in my home town for the beautiful autumn season… but it's not too shabby out in Ohio either.  And what's more, I'll be sharing it with my best friends.

But first, I'm going to Confession and Mass this afternoon.

I don't know if my selection of songs demonstrates this,

but I find that Sick Puppies has a certain amount

of variety in their style.

~Meggy

And this is what my summer has come to?

I just finished off the last of the popcorn I made by rubbing it in the extra salt in the bottom of the popper.  My mouth was on fire from the excess of salt.  If for no other reason than that, I'm staying up to chew gum and sort of "purge" my mouth before I get ready for bed.

I found out that, contrary to my proud assumptions, my zucchini, squash, and pumpkin plants were infested by borer insects.  I was very sorry to see that.  I considered trying to save them, but I just won't have time for that kind of surgery – plus the intensive care required after that.  So after taking a closer look at the zucchini plants, which had only produced two fruit and then seemed to give up, I pulled them out.  Much of the squash was in such a state that I gave up any idea of salvaging any of it, although they were producing well.  Everything except the Butternut squash is now gone (Butternut was bred for resistance against these pests).  I was grateful to find that not every pumpkin plant was affected, however, so I performed surgery on the ones I thought were worth saving, and they are now in the IC unit, so to speak, which means close watching, and careful watering, and meticulous protection against adverse weather conditions.

Check out THIS website for details on the pests I'm talking about.  Today, I also saw the second bug mentioned, so I'm anxious to do something about that….

I've only got a little over a week before I go back to Franciscan University.  I'm really looking forward to it.

Speaking of which, I was at work at the barn this morning, and when I went to get paid, Mrs. Contryman said, "I don't suppose you need a fridge.  For college or anything?"  I jumped at the opportunity.  Yes, I need a fridge!  It needs to be cleaned, but now I have a fridge for college!  Sometimes I have to be reminded that God does indeed provide.

This has been a busy week, and next week is going to be busy as well.  And then there'll be the stress of getting to and moving into and adjusting to college.  But it's going to be great.  It's simply going to be a fantastic year.

~Meggy

Anxious in Arizona

Before I start, I should mention that I'm not from Arizona….

The more I listen to this song, the more I get it.

But I've decided I have a problem.

Anxiety.

Serious, uncontrollable, irrational anxiety.

If you go back to March of this year, the results of my anxiety drench the stuff I wrote during that month.  There was this boy, and he seemed nice.  I didn't have any interest in him beyond that, but it seemed pretty obvious that he was interested in me.  For the first time in my life, I began to wonder… how would I feel about dating?

But very early on, he made me feel as though my own troubles were insignificant compared to his.  I was so innocent and good compared to him.  And after some time of that (which seems fairly normal with boys), I began to feel even worse.  I'm terribly shy, and he was so not.  I've since begun to believe that his loud behavior may stem from his own inner embarrassment and need for attention.  But I can't be sure….  Because I freaked.

It wasn't long before I began to feel as though I wouldn't be good enough for him.  I began to think that I needed to be just as he was in order to keep him from moving on.  I was so scared that he would get bored with me.  So I pushed myself.  I didn't trust him, but I acted like I did.  I did things that normally would have been uncomfortable for me because I thought it was the kind of thing he wanted.  I rationalized that these things required a give-and-take.  He was constantly on my mind as I tried to figure out what to do to please him and I did a lot of crying and dwelling in depression.

Now to be fair to myself, the case he made for himself wasn't good.  He gave me plenty of reason to doubt.  But if I had just been cool, we both might have been able to come out of it unscathed and perfectly okay.

What kills me is I was that girl.  I was that girl that he probably talked about to other people, even other girls, saying how clingy I was, and begging for advice.  And that's what kills me.  I was a b****.  And I hope for your sake that's the only time I use that word on my blog, but unfortunately, it's true.

What opened my mind to all this?

A day without a single text message.

All summer long, I've been texting this friend of mine nearly every day.  We've always been pretty good friends, and I've always felt amazingly comfortable with him (especially considering he's a guy).  We just get along swimmingly.

But a few days ago, he didn't text me.

I was in the basement, going through my boxes and re-packing for college.  I had my computer open and I was watching "The Sarah Jane Adventures" on YouTube, accompanied by my little sister.  I was busy doing things, so I didn't think to text him and it didn't both me too much that he hadn't texted me.

But the next day, I was sure to text him as soon as I got out of my dentist appointment.  It was after two in the afternoon, which is right around when we usually start texting, so I texted him.

Our conversation that day was very sparse.  We each sent only about five or six messages that afternoon.  That's very unusual.  But there's nothing wrong with that, right?

By this time, everything inside me was screaming out in a panic.  My reason was telling me – indeed, I was telling me to chill out.  There is nothing wrong just because we aren't feeling very talkative for a couple of days.  There is even evidence that we'll recover!  This was not the first time such things had happened and yet everything was still perfectly fine between us (although I freaked out every single time).  What's more, our relationship is soooo healthy and natural.  It is devoid of flirting or games or pity parties, but even so, we're pretty comfortable talking about what's bothering us.

But that little bit of me that made sense wasn't convincing the rest of me.  The rest of me was divided between searching for excuses for him and bracing myself to let him go.  I thought, "What if he never texts me again?  We had such a promising semester ahead of us.  So many plans to watch movies and study for our class together.  What of those plans now?"  I spent too much time fighting off depression as helplessness and hopelessness and loneliness swept over me.  I began envisioning a future for myself on this trajectory, after I've lost all my friends, living alone on a farm, fighting off depression all by my self for the rest of my life, unable to make or keep friends.  I am not making any of this up.  And all because of two days.

Don't get me wrong.  It's not because I saw a "future" for "us."  …I have no idea what's in store.  I was freaking out because I was losing a friend, like all my close friends before him.

Well, the day after that, he texted me and things went on as usual!

My meltdown, hidden from all those around me (but unfortunately not from me), was not because I truly believed it would happen.  It was a response that has apparently been programmed into me and is unavoidable.  Nothing I did or told myself convinced me that everything was fine.  I was cool and calm on the outside, but a raving lunatic on the inside.  In March, this feeling drove me to badger the other guy with texts and ask him if everything was okay.

Who doesn't see this as a problem, raise your hand.

And I believe that my depression ultimately stems from this anxiety.  It makes so much more sense now!  I have had numerous theories about my moodiness – all plausible, just needing more observation of my behavior to better understand – but they all left some questions unanswered.  This is the one answer that makes the most sense.  I am fundamentally fearful that I will find myself alone when all is said and done.

And I've always known of my loneliness and admitted my great obsession to please.  My awareness of my anxiety has slowly been growing over the past few months until this last great leap.

There have been times when I've contemplated seeing someone about my depression, but I've never quite made up my mind.  I seemed to be gaining some control over my depression so I figured maybe it would be pointless to go to a professional.  But my depression was just a symptom of something much deeper.

So now I have to consider seeing someone about anxiety.

Now that I pinpointed it, I might be able to make progress on my own.  This is not a decision I'm going to make lightly.  First of all, like I said, I'm cool and calm on the outside.  Very few people even notice when I'm going through these things, which is usually because I get depressed and subtly draw away from people.  The one time I discussed depression with my mother, she was extremely skeptical.  But according to my best friend, I was a mess in March, even though she didn't understand why.  And secondly, I would feel a lot better if I could conquer this on my own.  I've seen what labels and counseling do to some people – it's kind of like, even though they're "working on it," they're at peace with it.  Upon hearing that it's something they can't help and that they'll have to correct it over time, they kind of settle into it.  But I don't want to be at peace with it; I want to wage intense, violent war on it.

But I'm not ruling out professional help.  I'm going to do some research and reflection.  No hasty decisions here.  Once I get other people involved, there's no backing out.

And the friend that I've been texting this summer, reads me really well.  He kind of picked up on my anxiety troubles without me saying it right out, so I know I can talk to him about it.  And there are a few other friends at school that I really trust and I know would be open to talking about this.

Do you have any thoughts?  Do you think this is as serious that it may warrant professional help?  Or do you think I'm over-thinking things again?

~Meggy

What will "Marcmire" mean for...?

What's the significance of Marcmire?  Well, part of that is very secret.  But part of it is easy to explain.  It actually comes from a book I'm writing.  The protagonist leaves Normurland for Marcmire partway through the book and it's there that she finds herself.  And I find this blog and that place to be strikingly similar in purpose, meaning, and design.  Hence, Marcmire.

CLICK HERE TO READ A TEASER

It also means that I have to finish the book.  How could I not, now that I'm using the name, eh?  I almost feel that if I don't finish the book, the name would lose its substance.

So Marcmire.

Meggy of Marcmire.  I kinda like it.

The name is not without its traps, and perhaps before long I will regret the name change.  But as long as my blog is not mainstream and it is the "online book of me," its title may as well reflect me until I can find one that means the very heart of myself.

~Meggy

Bonus: http://noisetrade.com/jarsofclay/noisetrade-eastside-manor-sessions

Titles

As of the publication of this post, my current blog title is "Ginger and Rubies."  It's fine, and it symbolized where I was last year when I renamed my blog.  But say it aloud.  It's cumbersome and awkward.  And what does it mean?  Well, my first year of college was the first time I started seeing myself as a "ginger."  I'm a redhead, but no one had called me ginger before.  And for whatever reason, the ruby ring that my parents gave me on my eighteenth is especially important to me.  Plus its my birthstone.

The original title of my blog was "Magic, Ink, and Dreams."  But that too was cumbersome and awkward, so I had no qualms about changing it.  Well, my only qualm was of being indecisive and being one of those people who changes their blog title a lot.  I mean, its the title of the blog – it shouldn't change, right?

Well, anyway, I changed it and became one of "those people."  . . .So I haven't picked very good blog titles.  It doesn't really matter what it sounds like in my mouth because I don't tell anyone I know that I blog, but even so. . . I'm not the only one who might say my blog title.

So I'm thinking about changing it.  The problem is that I'm feeling very lonely and restless, and therefore, I'm more likely to be indecisive and want to change things.  I've already had to resist the urge to redesign my blog again.

Possible name changes:

Color Me Capricious

[She/I/...] Learn(s) As She/I Grow(s)
Marcmire

or just...

Meggy

~Meggy

This Is Gonna Take Awhile

Sighhhhhhhhhh. . . . . .

I have. . .  a tale. . . of woe.

Okay, not really, but sorta.  See, okay, I'm just kinda of out of my mind lately.  I'm tired, I'm running around like crazy, I can't sleep like a normal person anymore, I'm in conflict about a friend, I'm in conflict about another friend, and I'm in conflict about myself.

Shall we start at the beginning of the list and work our way along?  Yes?  Yes. Yes, I think that'll be simplest.  It'll be easier for me to explain that way, I think.  I have a lot to say but I'm not quite sure how to go about saying it.

Alright, so I'm tired.  For the first part of the summer, I was working like crazy.  I was keeping up with two jobs, and also trying to satisfy my mother that I was working as often and as hard as I can to make as much money as was possibly available to me.  This expended a great amount of energy and a fair deal of stress.  Yippee.  But I got through it, and I even enjoyed it, and it wasn't that bad, really.  Just another challenge, and you may have heard about my way of handling challenges.  They had better think twice before coming along or they'll wish they'd never ben born – that's my policy.

Anyway, so I was tired.  One job depended on strawberry season, however, and strawberry season is, regrettably, over, so that's that.  But last week we went camping.  It was almost unbearably humid – but we bore it so it must have been bearable – and I was sleeping in a tent with no air conditioning.  Now, to be fair, there was the camper, right there, next to me, filled with air-conditioned goodness (air) – but there really isn't a spot in there for me without starting a fight sooooooo I was mature about it and slept in the tent.  . . .Okay, so it was also because I'm stupid and stubborn and I like have some personal space.  And quite frankly, even though I was tired constantly, I didn't mind being awake in the middle of the night just because it was just too dang hot.  I listened to the night sounds, if there were any, and just chilled. You've also got to remember that I share a room every day of my life otherwise – at school and at home so this is like heaven for me.

And anyway, one night, I texted my friend James, who also happened to be up; and another night, I texted my friend Marcus, who is always up.  I enjoy texting Marcus, whatever time of day it is. . . .

via

Anyhow, so now I'm home, but it's vewy, vewy humid and my room is one of the few in the house without air conditioning.  Sure, as my mother has pointed out before, I could sleep in the basement, but then there would be the effects of the fact that I'm not sleeping in my own bed – so is there an answer?  I ask you, is there an answer?  It's not that bad, really, we have the ceiling fan on and a window fan blowing out and drawing the cooler air in from downstairs, and by morning, it's usually pretty comfortable in there.  But even so, especially right after we got home from camping, I haven't been sleeping through the night very well.  I feel like I barely doze or I plummet into the depths of "knocked out" for an insufficient amount of time.

So what's next?  Oh, running around like crazy.  Right, well, you read about the part where I was running from one job to the next.  Basically, I have one that is every weekday morning, and then I would work this other one some afternoons and most open Saturdays.  But that's over.  So now I've just been going all over Connecticut (where we were camping), and now I'm running errands and keeping appointments, going to various kinds of summer parties (family, graduation, pool), and then there are various family get togethers and summer opportunities, too.  Not that any of this is bad, but I am tired, as we discussed.

Um, it would seem that I already explained my sleeping problem when I was explaining my exhaustion.  In addition, I try to sleep during the day – and to be fair to myself, I do sleep and sleep longer than my usual naps – but I always wake up before I would like and then can't go back to sleep for several hours.

. . . .

Now we get down to the dirt.  This is – as you are all too well aware, I'm sure – a very long post already; so be warned, now we discuss the deeper meaning of life. . .  or the deeper problems behind my facade, as it were.

Really, it won't be that bad.  But if you don't like drama, feel free to back out now.  I won't be offended.  I won't even know.  (And right now, I'm giggling at myself for my cleverness.  Do you see how I've gone mad?  It's quite a sickness, really, hard to shake.)

Yeah, I'm being weird, but I don't really care anymore.  Turns out people like me a little weird.  And as it comes naturally, I'm good with that!

Okay, so conflict with a friend.  Hmm.  There's two, as you read, and I'm not sure which to handle first.

Alright, well, there's my good friend who is a guy.  Yeah.  And I've always been fond of him, in so far as I thought he was funny and he reminded me of my little brother (always is a long time; let's say, since I got to know him).  But he started texting me shortly into this summer and suddenly, I really liked his company.  Now we text all the time.  And it's not just me.  I mean, sometimes I feel like I'm carrying the whole conversation on my shoulders, and then I begin to doubt if he really likes talking to me as much as I thought, and I feel myself backing off, shutting down, stiffening up.  But then he texts me the next day, just to talk.  Merely to talk.  To talk about nothing in particular.  He just texts me.  Even when neither of us has something to say, we want to talk.  And I'm scared.  Our friendship – the bulk of which developed through text messages – frightens me a little bit, but I trust him completely.  And I never would have suspected. . . .  But I really do trust him. . . in a way that I don't trust anyone else. . . utterly and completely. . . .  I'm not afraid that he won't have time for me. . . or that he won't care. . . or that he'll get annoyed. . . .  . . .Do you begin to understand?

As for my other friend conflict, it's very different.  It's with the girl that, until recently. . . .  No, even now, I consider her my best friend.  I haven't trusted her with all my secrets, and I suspect I never really will.  The problem, and only reason, is that we are so different.  I mean completely.  She's one of those girls that sees a new pic on Facebook and will comment, "Pretty girl!" or "You're so beautiful, babe!"  I would never, ever, ever, ever do that.  Not for any particular reason, but just because that's not my personality, or my traditional response to anything, or my way of thinking.  I love her, because she is, but she does so many things I can't understand and somethings I just plain don't like – and the feeling is mutual.  But for some reason that we can't explain, we are best friends.  But we recently had a fight over a comment I left on her Facebook profile photo.  I didn't mean it as an insult, but I typed it up in a hurry, realizing the time, and ran out the door to go to work. . . so I didn't realize how mean it sounded. . . .  She was ready to just shrug it off as just another weird thing I say, it seemed, but then her mom saw it.

Now if she had a problem with it, then of course, I'm sorry.  I would not want to hurt her feelings at all, of course.  But the problem was that she texted it to me – and you probably know how confrontations can quickly spiral out of control that way.

Being at work, and having been attacked in such a queer manner (as I'll explain in a minute), I texted right back.  That was my second mistake.  Because confrontations can quickly become nasty and hard to understand through text messages.

Anyway, we had a fight, through text messages, and no matter what I said, I couldn't seem to smooth things over.  Obviously, this should not have happened.  She should have called me.  I should have called her.  Whatever, but it should not have been handled through text messages.  Suffice it to say that we had a big fight.

Fortunately, my car battery was dead.  Fortunately?  Yeah, believe it or not.  I called my dad, who happened to be with my mom just two minutes up the road at the farm stand.  They came to help, just in time for me to completely break down in tears.

There's more, but the point is. . . it was vicious.  And I don't mean they (my friend and her mom) were vicious.  It was vicious.  I had a really emotional moment.  I don't want to continue to dis my friend to the world, but... even though we've tried to communicate since (on the phone or through Skype), for various technical difficulties, we just haven't been able to really talk.  She seems to want to make up, and that's fine with me. . . but what if she just can't see from my perspective?  That's what scares me.  Is it possible that she'll just plain disagree with me?  And I mean, I apologized, so I'm not sure what else she needs from me.  I guess I'm afraid of being vulnerable. . . .

Whoo.  Okay, so that's that.

As for my conflict with myself, I'm going through a spiritual renewal, brought on because of some old, bad mental habits that I developed out of loneliness.  And I'm also trying to figure out who I am. When I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself.

I finally know what that means – to not recognize myself.  But what I experience isn't like what some movies make it to be.  For me, I look in the mirror and I see a beautiful girl with a little bit of make-up on and clothes that fit and flatter.  I'm happy with my body and I'm proud of myself.  I'm pushing myself in uncomfortable situations, and I'm emerging triumphant.  I don't leave parties feeling ashamed at my ability to be invisible, I don't leave work feeling taken advantage of or disliked, and I don't chase after admiration anymore.  I'm eager to help and get things done, but I don't let other people get lazy.  I will not be invisible.

And that's not the girl I used to know.

~Meggy

Allow me to invite myself in and whine a wee bit…

I'm tired and frustrated.

Job #1: I work mucking paddocks.  On a good day, it takes my sister and me three hours.  On a bad day, less.  Or, on a bad day, it takes three hours and on a good day, it takes less.  –However you want to look at it.  What concerns me is how much I get paid.  I get 10/hr for this job, which is really good.  I have another job, but the pay is less certain.  Job #1 is nearly every weekday morning, depending on harsh weather.  I count on this job to give me a steady amount of good money.  It's important because my other job has varying hours and less pay.

Job #2: I work at a pick-your-own strawberry farm.  Strawberry season will be over in a week or a little more.  After that, they might put me in the vegetable stand.  It's possible that they'll have me do other work around the farm, you never know.  But, although I work more concentrated hours there, I'm not likely to earn much money cumulatively, would be my guess.

And so, as strawberry season comes to a slow end, my other job hits a bump in the road.  My sister and I are instructed to only do half the paddocks today.  Then next time around, we can do the others, and switch it up.  The only real reason for this new idea I can think of is that their money is running short so they want to cut our hours short.  Karen, the owner, wasn't around to talk this morning, and she sent her husband to let us know.  I didn't ask him about it at the time because I was trying to make sense of it in my head; and then I couldn't find them when we were through.  So one, I couldn't discuss the goal of this change with Karen, and I didn't get paid either.  I was a little frustrated.

So if indeed the idea is to cut my pay in half so they can afford us, I'm screwed.  I have two jobs because the first wasn't really enough to get me through the next semester and then my semester abroad.  So I got a second job.  Now, it looks like the two combined are going to amount to almost nothing.  I may be done for.

But this is only the first day that this has been the official new plan at my first job.  I'm trying to keep myself from hyperventilating and just wait to see what happens.  But I'm feeling the pressure from my parents to make plenty of money and do everything I possibly can to make it happen.  Especially from my mom.  I know they have the best of intentions, but I'm doing my best.  I want the more at least as much as they want me to have it!  And now I'm really anxious, because traveling in Europe will not be cheap – and we wouldn't exactly want it to be, would we?  We expect me to have a ton of fun, but fun costs money.

It just seems that as the summer goes on, I'm going to be making less and less money.  Now, starting Saturday, I'll begin house sitting, and so I'll earn a bit of money from that; but I don't expect it to be very much (I don't even know!) because this woman usually doesn't pay me very much.  …And I just can't imagine how I'm going to make up for the rest of these losses.

I know this is one long rant of a drama queen, but I had a burst of writing inspiration and now I haven't been writing lately so I thought, as long as I have something to complain about, I might as well whine about it.  And so that's what happened.

However, in many ways, this summer has been the most amazing summer in years.  But in so many ways, it could be so much better.  I miss my best friends, but they are so far out of reach.  I text one of them nearly every day, which is such a blessing; but the rest are so – too – far from me.  And I'm still learning about myself and I'm so stressed.  But overall, it's going well!

Wishing the best for yours,

~Meggy

Lost in a World

THIS article written by the Mad Elvish Poet was well timed.  When I read it, I was just beginning a new adventure in story writing.  I found it extremely helpful, if only because it inspired and motivated me to really give this book a fighting chance.  Because I know how intimidating a link can be, I'll repost a little bit of it here (I hope she won't mind!).

Of course, a simple discussion is not simple. The movements and tones and words will be dictated by where and with whom. For example, you could have a simple conversation in a courtly setting, where the characters will be stiff and tense, always watching for someone to slip up, always reading for double meanings. Or, the same conversation could happen in passing in a horse barn. See the differences? Keep track of hands and arms. They can do a lot to convey emotion. Also, a nervous person might fidget, shift his weight from leg to leg, or, if sitting, frequently change position.

I found this analysis (and the rest of it – you really should go read it) simplified the problem with dialogue and yet illustrated the complexity.

Then the other day, I overheard my sister discussing one of her characters with my father.  Apparently they were under agreement that this character was a bit disappointing for the fact that he was a replica of the Emperor from Star Wars.  So I suggested, "Come up with one characteristic that makes him… unique from all other characters."  And I was struck by the wisdom of my own words!  Perhaps, when describing characters, a writer should be thinking of ways to surprise the reader.  Make the description stand out in the reader's mind – make him remember the character, see the character in his nightmares.  …Or in his dreams, whichever is appropriate.  I just hadn't thought of it that way before.  Instead of just describing someone, make it so that the character imprints his image on the reader's mind.

I don't know – so many of my blog followers are writers themselves.  You've probably already realized this.  I just wanted to share it.

~Meggy

Summer Continues

Day Six: Sunday, 12 May, 2013

After Mass, we drove up to my grandparents’ place and picked them up and drove into Boston.  We tried to get to the Arnold Arboretum but it was Mother’s Day weekend and Lilac Sunday so the place was super crowded.  Plus there were parades and traffic….  We quit and went to an Irish pub for lunch.  It was pretty good – and the weather was nice.  And overall it was a good day.

We went back to my grandparents’ place and kinda… napped.  Then I mentioned I wanted a Frisbee and my Papa went and got me one out of his garage.  So I went out into their front yard with my siblings and we tossed it around for a while.  My baby sister (who is actually 12 now) was really good, but I had to relearn everything.  Took me just a couple minutes really.  Now I’ve got the hang of it again and I just have to perfect my technique.

Day Seven: Monday, 13 May, 2013

I went to the barn with my sister and we started work.  The owner walked with us through the first two hours and then left us to fill hay bags.  At the end of three hours, she paid us and we went home to warm showers – because, of course, the cold front came through just in time for us to start our job.  The rest of the day was rather slow since I was a little tired and cold.

I had to bring the tomato plant in because it was so cold, and that night, my dad helped me put tarps down over my vegetables to keep them safe from frost.

Day Eight: Tuesday, 14 May, 2013

I got up and went to work like the day before.  We were a few minutes late but that didn’t matter.  We fetched the Ranger and trailer, and we went through our paces.  She joined us at the end of the first two hours and had us shovel another paddock while she raked up the leaves.  This was another cold day but the wind wasn’t as cool.  Once home, I ate and played Badminton and Frisbee a bit before I showered.

My vegetables survived the night but the tomato stayed inside for the time being, and the tarp was off for only about half an hour.  My mother and I went to the nursery but someone had left the door open to the greenhouse and they lost most of their peas and beans crop.  We bought potting soil and a trellis and some seeds.

Day Nine: Wednesday, 15 May, 2013

Worked again.

This day got quite away from me.  I worked in my vegetable garden, but I feel like not very much was completed.  I dug moats around my vegetable plants to minimize runoff when I watered.  The tarps came off and the tomato went back.

Day Ten: Thursday, 16 May, 2013

Worked.

My dad stayed home today so that he could go to my sister’s horse-back-riding lesson.  I worked in and around the vegetable garden most of the afternoon (got the trellises figured out and transplanted a wild rose that is sulking and probably will not come back to life) and then doused myself in a shower.  My mom, dad, and sister had left; my other sister and my brother had no interest in leaving the house.  I braided my wet hair (because it was already after 4 o’clock in the afternoon) and drove about 40 minutes to Target.  I bought mascara and nail polish, and also a new pair of flip-flops (my old pair was getting really flimsy).

I don’t normally bother with nail polish because I’m bad at applying it, it seems like it would take up an unnecessary load of time, and I’d hate to have to keep reapplying it.  But my best friend painted my nails for the formal and….  Well, I don’t have the prettiest fingers.  They get beat up working in the dirt and washing dishes… and so on.  Then I tend to pick at the skin or whatever and they just never really look… very nice.  But the nail polish hides that somehow (to an extent).  Now that it’s summer, I’ll be working bare-handed in the dirt all the time, and it’s nail polish season anyway.  So nail polish it is!  And it lasts a pretty good time anyway, and I’ve learned it doesn’t have to be perfect!

Day Eleven: Friday, 17 May, 2013

Worked again.  The owner must have left to go riding (without mentioning it to us) because her husband came up to pay us (in a rather flustered and confused manner) and she was nowhere to be seen when we quit for the day.  Her dogs were wandering around aimlessly so we assumed she wasn’t on the property.

I worked in the garden again.  But this time, the focus was on the flower garden.  Raking things out always takes more time than you would think.  Didn’t really get a whole lot of that done, but one side of the front flowerbeds looks quite nice and one of the side gardens is starting to come together.  I also pulled jerked the border rocks out of place, pulled the weeds growing there, prettied up the dirt piling up, and rolled the rocks back into place.  My little sister was really helpful – I learned that if you give her a specific task, she can do anything; but you can’t just yell at her to “help” or she’ll be lost to you.

Then I took a good shower and chatted with a friend on Facebook (miss you, my friend!) until some friends of ours came over.  The younger two were very happy to see me and clung to me for the most part all evening.  We had beef lasagna with homemade bread, and then chocolate cake.  Then we went outside for a campfire in the improved fire pit that my mom built where the filter for the pool used to be.  My god brother – three now – was adorable.  I wish I had a transcript of everything he said that evening.  It was getting late (after ten) and we were sitting on a blanket on the sand in front of the fire.  He was sitting in my lap, and then he ended up curled up between my legs with his head on my thigh.  And in two seconds, he was out like a light.

It was just me and him.  The nightlife was chirping half-heartedly and the stars were out.  The coals were breathing and a hot flame waved up in the center of the charred logs.  I was shivering a little but he was warm and he was breathing deeply, his long eyelashes pressed against his soft cheek.  Just the two of us, on the cold sand.

~Meggy