Our School System, a point of interest with me

I'm working on a post for my other blog and I'd like your honest opinions!  This is the second draft.

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Here's the Situation

Something absolutely disgusts me and so I will share my hotheaded, passionate, strong-worded opinion with you about the school system in America.

The school system sucks.  We send our kids across town or into the next to attend a school where the hormones way outnumber the adults, and the adults have very little power because we don't trust them because we don't know them and they don't know us.  And it would be a liability for them to do anything about anything.

I know quite a few people who want to be teachers and I know they would never knowingly let a child be bullied or kill themselves.  But these are big schools, and what can the teachers do if they do know?  They don't have a lot of power.  The least they can do, you hope, is to tell the parents what is going on, and sometimes that doesn't even happen.

And what can the parents do?

Well here is where it gets ugly.  Parents knowingly send their children to school, day after day, to be bullied and sexually harassed.  I mourn the loss of children who take their lives and only after do the parents find out that bullying was involved.  That's a horrible family structure but it moves me to compassion, given the general rushing about and distraction in our modern, first-world country.  But when I hear the testimony of some mother who knows her little girl is being harassed or knew the whole time that school was a living hell for her son and sent them off every day anyway... I feel disgust and revulsion.  How in the world can a parent tell a child that they just have to put up with this behavior?  That there is nothing anyone can do about this and no one cares that your life is driving you to an early death?

I sympathize - this is a tough world, a tough culture we live in and we're all stressing out to stay ahead.  But if you can't tighten your belts to send them to another school or take them out and homeschool, you best at the very least be raising Cain about it and keeping your child away from that mess, one way or another.

We are very protective of our children.  That is to say - we love griping about injustices done them.  We have way too many tests now in school.  The teacher doesn't care at all.  The school is forcing my child to do this, but they won't take care of the bullying.  The ref made a bad call!  My four-year-old wants to be a girl but people have the nerve to tell me I shouldn't let him!  He'll only be vaccinated if I say so!  I have a right to have children any way I want, in whatever relationship I want!  Don't force labels on my kids!  Don't leave them home alone!  Don't have guns in the house!  They should have taught them that at school!  What's the matter with them, leaving my child unprotected and ignorant like that?  No shampoo in my baby's eyes!  Only the most organic, healthy food for my children.  No more soda at school!

But when it comes to action, we're pathetic.  When it comes to caring what is actually best for the children, we're selfish and stupid.

These days, children are future politicians.  We need to indoctrinate them with a politically correct education (no offense if that's you, but really, how long has Christopher Columbus been a hero?) and measure their intellectual growth and make sure it's alllllll the same everywhere so we can force "equality" (intellectual sameness) across the nation.  They need to accumulate as many certificates and diplomas and awards and stats as possible so that their resume is more impressive, regardless of their actual skill or ability to function in society and the workplace.

Scholarship is numbers.  Skill is book learning.

But There's a Problem

John Oliver, who is a favorite of mine, recently commented on how the obsession with testing is affecting our children.  At least, how it is affecting them in ways we can immediately see.  He didn't, I'll note, mention how it's affecting their love of learning or their psychology.  But it's too early to know everything.  Perhaps we should experiment with them for a few more years.

This past Sunday, John Oliver did a segment on FIFA - oh how glorious an overhaul that is turning out to be!  (Not actually sarcasm this time.)  He challenged the sponsors of FIFA to take a stand, promising that he would even drink a Budweiser product if they withdrew their sponsorship.

In the past, John Oliver has instigated ridiculous and funny social media movements with various effectiveness and varying degrees of actual importance.  He launched a campaign to save mating geckos lost in space.  He started a movement to protest the casting of Christian in Fifty Shades of Gray. #NotMyChristian

But when it comes to children, he did nothing.

Well, we are all more aware of what we should have known in the first place, but where is the great emotional uproar?  Where are the ice bucket challenges and dares and matched pledges to get this crap under control?  Where is the call to action?

Well, "to be fair," many of John Oliver's calls to action have been jokes or for something that is easily changed.  Bullying, educational requirements, smaller class sizes, actively aware parents - it can't be done with a catchy hashtag.  And my point isn't to accuse John Oliver of not caring enough about children.  That's not he point - the point is how complicated and difficult a problem this is and we're not spending nearly enough time on it as a whole.  These are, if you will, the future politicians.  You can't not care, even if you're not sparked by the injustice of torturing young and immature people who don't have a choice but will be affected by this for the rest of their lives, then affecting the next generation and so on.

And We Need a Solution

For me, personally, I have a vague idea of what I want.  I want way smaller schools, and more of them - in the communities that they serve.  Perhaps one large facility of expensive equipment for the area.  I want tutors/teachers to teach students by studying the greats as well as new theories, where contrary schools of thought are allowed and not feared so thinking can flourish, and the arts are included.  I want the work environment to adopt a learn-on-the-job environment, an experienced-based totem pole, rather than a "how many diplomas and qualifications can you pay for?" system.  And I want universities to be more about fulfilling the student's needs than handing out the diplomas and qualifications, and certainly not about bringing in money to compete with other schools.  If it's not about the students, what is it about?

I'm not an expert; I just know this system is not ideal for me.  It doesn't seem ideal for anybody.  And if someone can prove that my vision couldn't work, at least I'll have gotten someone thinking more about this issue.  Because I'm not qualified to say what needs to be done and I don't have the power to do it, but what we need is a decision about what ought to be done so that people like John Oliver and you and me can actually do something about it: #notmyeducationsystem

We can't just complain.  We have to decide what we want done and push for it.

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE….

Unfortunately, the story I was working on hit a dead end.  I realized it wasn't what I wanted.  So I'm starting over – reworking some of the details, bringing back some of the ones I dropped, and further developing some of the themes.

In a few weeks, I head off to Austria for my semester abroad.  Should be interesting!  I lost my best friend last semester and did not join a household.  What's more, my boyfriend is not coming with me.  Also, all my best relationships right now – which I really can't call close – are with guys.  And the guy I'm on awkward terms with is coming.  So this is about to get interesting.  Not that I don't have girl friends, and not that my relationship with my not-so-best-anymore friend is irredeemable, but we shall see, won't we!

I was really nervous about going to Europe, and I still am.  But I watched Beauty and the Beast the other day.  It reminded me of my childhood and how I used to set myself in a depressive mood wishing I could get away from home and go on an adventure.  And I was like, "Heck, this is my adventure!"  (On a related note, I'm like Bilbo Baggins!  I know, right?)  Not that the rest of my life isn't an adventure – there are a lot of psychological possibilities there….  I'm not really afraid.  I know it will work out.  I've looked the whole thing over and I'm trying hard to be responsible.  I haven't yet found myself in a hole I couldn't get out of and I don't plan on jumping into one anytime soon.

Well… that's all I've got for now.  Although there's a lot more I could say, I suppose.  Like I've been watching a lot of "Psych" lately, and I finally cleaned up and organized my room and that makes me SO HAPPY!  I could also talk about all the stuff I've been checking out of the library, how I've been loving hanging out at the library while my sister is volunteering, and about the contact lenses I'm finally getting.  Ooh and the clothes I've bought!  And the totes adorbs hairstyle I finally settled on!  And how I cut it myself!  But I won't.

It's getting late.  And my roommate/sister is supposed to be asleep so I better get to the task at hand.

~Meggy

Random Thoughts

Aaaaaaand… BEGIN:


I want to be irreplaceable.  I want to be a person that others miss when I'm not there.  I want to be a personality that no one can fill in for.  I want to bring something new and different to the table.  I want to stand out by being myself and only myself.  I want to relate to people in a special way, in a way that only I can.

–––

My boyfriend bought me flowers the other day.  In a text message later, he told me:

Do you know why I chose those flowers?  White carnations are symbolic of purity.  The red rose is for love.

My boyfriend, people.  Dear sweet romantic.

___

Here's the beginning of my new story:

How to begin my tale?  It is difficult to say.  I could describe Cobbston and its townfolk, queer people that they are – but then you would be left in mystery of me, grasping at straws of details as they are introduced throughout my story.  I could make you work a little bit to hold the threads together in your mind; you could get to know me as Cobbston did – piece by piece.  Michael did.
But most certainly, I cannot begin with Michael.  He was about six feet tall, beefy and strong, and his black hair waved in a goofy arch on his forehead.  His eyes were green, his skin was thick, and he was warm – oh, so warm – and a good deal bigger than I.  But I did not meet him until after I had met the other players of my tale.

The rest is in a notebook somewhere, where I put it down during a boring lecture.

–––

I don't want to do homework….  :(

~Meggy

SPARKLES

Wow, life has been so busy!  So much has happened the last few weeks, I can hardly believe that I last visited over half a month ago!

For one thing, I "intented" to a Household here on campus (kind of like a sorority) and then I dropped my "intentship."  I went through a lot of drama with friends and got through it.  My grades rose and fell and rose and fell and… well, you get the picture.

A guy professed his interest for me to my best friend only a day or two after meeting me.  He is now my boyfriend.  [I actually mentioned that incident in this post.]  He is such a sweetheart, and a romantic.  I always regarded myself as a romantic in my head, but I'm far too cynical and shy for that – this guy far out-romances me.  But he's not showy or flamboyant.  And he respects me.  He values me and cherishes me, communication has been the foundation of our relationship, and we talked about a relationship long before we decided to date.  He was perfectly willing to wait for me to be ready.  We're studying abroad in consecutive semesters, which is going to suck, but I think we can do it.  He's just about a foot taller than me, and not at all my usual type – but so cute in other ways.  I trust him and I'm comfortable with him.  He's sweetly awkward and dorky; such a Southern gentleman.  I love watching him get so happy and excited over our developing relationship.  (His seldom-used nickname is Sparkles.)

And as the semester winds down and finals approach, I'm going to get really busy.  And Thanksgiving will pass; and Christmas will come; and New Years will chime – and this time, I'll have a boyfriend.

Sappy, I know, but hey, I have a boyfriend :)

~Meggy

Voco Auxilio Protinus

(Is the title right?)

I'm looking for people who know their Latin stuff.  I need help with my homework.  The sooner you get back to me, the better.  This is due tomorrow afternoon!!!

As tempting as it sounds, I don't want you to do it for me.  I just need some explanation and some hints, because I am completely lost.  (Where in this textbook do I look to figure this out???)

Okay, so here's a sentence my professor gave me:

Hac de re quid cogitem?

It kind of looks like: "I think what concerning this thing?"  But that doesn't really make sense.  If I translate it by word: "This (abl. f.) down from (takes abl.) thing (abl. f.) what I think (subjunctive?)?"  What do I do with the subjunctive?

And while we're at it, this is what I have for the other sentences:

• Veniunt ut matrem suam videant.
• They come in order that they may see her mother.

• Tam cito veniunt ut matrem suam videant.
• They come so quickly in order that they may see her mother.

• Rogat herine venerint.
• He asks if they had not come yesterday.

• Utinam hodie veniant!
• If only they will come today!

Are any of these right?  I'm really struggling to keep up with all the new grammar rules – I guess I'll just have to spend a ton more time studying.

Danke bunches,

~Meggy

Eeyore

I… was going to write about something… but now I don't remember what.  Hmm.  Huh.  Befuddled.

Well!  Anyway, have you checked out my new blog yet?  I'd really appreciate it if you would!  And also, if you're on Facebook, follow the blog on Facebook!  I'm not exactly sure why… but I want to promote my new blog and make it something real.  I want to take my blogging to the next level.

I guess we'll see!

I suppose next time I'll talk about Franciscan households, intenting, and maybe post a vague reflection on a relationship that's finally crumbling around me.  Fun stuff.  Nothing you haven't already heard from me before.  But you'll want to read it anyway.  Because I'm just that awesome.  Yup.

Someone recently compared me to Eeyore.  I love it!  I'm totally like Eeyore!

http://www.winnie-pooh.org/eeyore-quotes.htm

"Eeyore, what are you doing there?" said Rabbit.
"I'll give you three guesses, Rabbit. Digging holes in the ground? Wrong. Leaping from branch to branch of a young oak tree? Wrong. Waiting for somebody to help me out of the river? Right. Give Rabbit time, and he'll always get the answer."
"But, Eeyore," said Pooh in distress, "what can we - I mean, how shall we - do you think if we -"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "One of those would be just the thing. Thank you, Pooh."

"I might have known," said Eeyore. "After all, one can't complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said 'Bother!'. The Social Round. Always something going on."

Well.  Anyway.  I should be getting to bed about now….

Night all

~Meggy

Baby Girl

Life has been busy.  Between crazy classes and crazy drama, I've been having a hard time figuring out whether to laugh or cry.

You may remember "boy-who-messed-up-my-last-semester."  Our contact this semester has been awkward and the terms of our friendship are largely undefined.  Sometimes it hurts to see him – even more likely when he's with his girlfriend – and sometimes it doesn't bother me.  In theory, I smile to think he's happy; I'm happy, too.  But the reality is I'm sad things ended so badly, and I begrudge the fact that he felt it necessary to pull so far out of my life.  Maybe he's the wise one….  I couldn't say.

Another guy friend of mine has indirectly ended our friendship by deciding to completely remove the girl, who is my best friend, from his life.  He has a determined, leaning on the prideful side, headstrong personality, and this semester those irritating character traits of his seem to be worse.  I couldn't say for certain what and why… but I'm not the only one who thinks so.  Friends of mine have come to me and basically said, "What is going on with that guy?"  And he seems to have pushed away at least a few people.  The number one concern on the back of my mind is that he's almost secluded himself in a small, narrow community – harder for me or anyone else to reach out to him and see if there's a healthier balance.  But also, he was always there for me; and yet those moments of support always had a certain amount of "let me do my duty and check in on you but not really go out of my way otherwise" feeling to it.  I feel that way all the more now that he literally abandoned me when I wanted to hang out with him, simply because he didn't want to get involved in the drama my best friend was going through at the time.

There's also a guy who's into me, which he had decided after only knowing me for two days.  He's been behaving himself very well for the most part, but I had rather hoped that the initial infatuation had worn off – such is very much not the case.  The other night, we somehow ended up in a common room alone for a long time.  Instead of continuing to watch Doctor Who, we started talking – which is nice, right?  But you've got to be careful when you're with a guy who is way more into you than you are into him.  My best guy friend calls him my "stalker."  …Not seriously, of course.  This guy and I are good friends now and he's friends with my friends…and so on….

But so far, it's all been bad news, hasn't it?

I had a really nice conversation with my baby sister tonight.  I kept her up until 11; but she's thirteen now, and it's amazing to tell to her about things and listen to her responses.  It's not that she has experienced these things or understands what I'm experiencing, but she's older now, less of a child and more of a woman.  I love that little girl so much and I miss her.

In other news, I intented to Daughters of Jerusalem household; and I'm spending all day tomorrow in Pittsburgh.  More on that soon!

~Meggy

Busting Franciscan Myths

"I mean, I'm mostly going to college to find a husband."

Don't come to Franciscan.  According to THIS SITE and one other, the boy/girl ratio is between 40/60 and 30/70.  There are a lot of girls.  A lot of girls, especially compared to so few guys!

I know: "I'm hoping to find a good Catholic husband, so where better than at a great Catholic college?"  Yeah, well, good theory, but Catholicism doesn't come with automatic awesomeness.  It'd be nice if it did, wouldn't it?  You may know a person who is Catholic and seemingly devout but has so many character flaws you wish they were atheist so you could "convert" them.  From my view on this campus, Franciscan seems to be the preferred and chosen college for this type of person.

Smoking and drinking are not foreign to this campus.  You have to know the right people in order to get really stoned, but it's not hard to find them – just listen to the right people talking about, well, the wrong people.  Smokers stand outside every building.  …Not constantly, but you'll see a few on a daily basis if you're paying attention.

Smoking is not inherently evil, so far as I can figure (although I hear tell that cigarettes are really, really bad for you).  But it has been my limited experience that most of the guys standing outside in "smoking rings" on a regular basis – cigarettes, cigars, or pipes – are charter members of the group of guys that smart girls are learning not to dream about.

So smoking is directly related to weak character?  Well, no, I can't prove that.  It could be that the majority of the campus male population is of weak character; in which case, it would naturally follow that the campus male smoker population would be largely dominated by this type….  After all, there are plenty of stay-away-from-hims that don't smoke or drink every Friday night.

But that's just a taste of what you'll find on the Franciscan campus.

City on a hill?  Salt of the earth?  Light of the world?  Certainly, all those things.  The Franciscan Friars are so adorable and so powerful and so life changing/challenging.  The witness of a chapel full of young adults singing to God four Masses a Sunday, three a weekday is breathtaking.  Perpetual Adoration, Students for Life, The Harmonium Project, Red Light Ministry… and whatever else we have going on 'round here – sometimes it's hard to keep track of it all.

At the same time, we've got Households that are known more for their off-campus parties than for their spirituality; we have sexual assault investigations and guys banned from certain all-girl's dorms; we've had students kicked out for drug activity; there are Freshman couples hooking up within the first one or two weeks of school and breaking up because one or the other is "struggling with their spirituality;" we're overflowing with flirt action hidden under the pick-up line: "I want to guard your heart."  (See THIS page for campus crime statistics.)

Finding a man on campus?  The majority of the girls in my acquaintance who will be graduated this year are going out into the world without marriage plans, without an engagement ring, without even a boyfriend.  A lot of relationships that happen are not particularly mature or prepared for marriage.  Yes, there is the occasional sophomore marriage – but believe me, it looks more insane than it does romantic.  A lot of people collapse, after a long day here, among their closest friends, and admit, "This place is like high school all over again."

If you want diversity, you won't find it here.  There are only a few black people; most people are moderately chill Catholics split about equally between the charismatics and… not charismatics; a lot of geeks and nerds, as well as geek and nerd wannabes; hardcore partiers and smokers, rebels, and cool people are the severe minority; and then there are the small populations of blatantly "traditional" Catholics and "full-length-skirt-addicts."  Most people more or less dress the same – the jocks and drama queens being pretty much the only exception – and frisbee is the thing.

Babies are cute; friars and other religious are celebrities; discernment into religious life merits a huge celebration; and a day when it isn't raining is everyone's dream.

Oh – and I should mention the huge homosexual community.

In some respects, it's just like any other campus.

But a good girl with all her ideals intact… is more likely to get hurt here.

See, the bad guys here are hidden because everyone goes to Mass, signs up for an Adoration hour, goes to Theology classes, and has some kind of "lightning bolt of providence" story.  And I'm sure these guys are essentially good people – they're just stupid when it comes to relationships.  So they lure you in with tales of their struggles for holiness – and then they just stop talking to you.  Or worse.  (And then the respective Households get involved….  It can be messy.)

Brother-sister relationships abound.  Which I'm happy about – I'm putting together a whole family over here!  But girls actively seeking their knight-in-shining armor get hurt real fast.

So if you're going to college for your MRS degree, you may want to look elsewhere.  I mean, my philosophy is to not look for an MRS degree.  I think they're earned on a basis of merit, not effort.  More like a scholarship.  I like that – a scholarship to life: 'The MRS Scholarship, funded by Heavenly Father.'

But I digress.

Franciscan University has a lot of problems.  And there are days where the only reason I'm still here….  It's Catholic.  And if you are honestly doing your best to follow God and discern His plan for your life, you can find a very supportive and healthy spiritual community here.  For all its flaws, this school is run on the idea that you can leave this place with a stronger relationship with Christ and a solid foundation to fall back on.  So far, I'm finding that part of the school to be excellent (though it obviously isn't perfect).  And I've got a pretty good head on my shoulders and a lot of grace on my side, thank God.

I've slowly been changing my perspective.  I have to assume that I just might not leave this school on the arm of a man.  With that in mind, I think I can get the most out of and give the most to this school.

But yeah, girls shouldn't come here assuming that their degree won't be terribly important when they graduate – it may be the only thing they have to live on when they leave this place.

~Meggy

Goes Away

My third week of school is over and one big thing I've learned is that nothing just goes away.  Wounds don't disappear, habits don't die, and trouble never leaves you.

I've a pretty good handle on my anxiety, but this isn't always the case.  There are times when I'm really struggling to be chill.  And there are times when I'm on top of assignments and there are times when I get back to my dorm at night with tons to do.  Sometimes I overreact or act out, and sometimes I'm too quiet.

When I found out that an ex-friend of mine got himself a girlfriend, it messed me up for a few days.  I had a debilitating physiological response when I saw him.  My palms went cold and clammy; I was shaking; I couldn't breathe fast enough to keep up with the rate of my heartbeat.  The anxiety was mind-numbing.

Twice, I saw him and the intense anxiety attack followed.  But the second time, I was prepared for it.  I calmed myself down, he didn't even see me, and the world moved on.

The problem is that I can't figure him out.  Most of the time, he ignores me; and then he'll do something like come up behind me and tickle me behind the ear.  Most of the time, I ignore him because I don't know which version of him woke up that day.  Thing is, there have been times when I know he knows I'm there – our eyes lock, I catch him glancing at me – but he doesn't try to get my attention or say hi or even smile.  Can't get so much as a "SUP."

For a while, I excused him.  I figured, we're awkward, he's conflicted over me, he's got other friends, we're not that close….  But that's a bunch of bushwinkle.

Here's a text conversation I recently had with another guy friend of mine:

Where have you been all day??  I wanted to wish you a happy birthday lol

Dorm lol

Well, then, happy birthday

Lol thanx :)

That was all.  So now I need to explain why this conversation worried me.

At the end of this chat, I had this subtle alarm going off in the back of my mind.  I was being a nuisance, insisting that I ought to have seen him around.  I was clingy, manipulative, domineering.  I was pathetic, screwing up another relationship like this.  He can do whatever he wants, and if he doesn't want to spend his birthday with me, then who am I to demand otherwise?  I'm going to lose him.  Again.  I was going to lose someone that I care about.  Again.

My ex-friend taught me to feel like this.

I won't say that I was having an anxiety attack over this brief conversation with my guy friend, but I felt like I had to back off and leave him alone for a while; let him approach me; let him know that I was indifferent, that I wasn't trying to make him do things for me.

When I saw him the next day, everything was fine and dandy.  He was happy to see me, even apologetic for being so elusive.  He gave me a hug – which are rarer these days because he has a girlfriend now – and I wished him a happy birthday.  And as we went on with our separate daily tasks, he wished me a good one.

And everything was fine.

He can't possibly know how much that stood out to me.  When I saw him in the crowd, coming down the hall, I was prepared for a mere half-smile and he would go on by.  But that is not him, and I should have known that.  He has always baffled me with the way that he insisted on being interested in me, no matter how many long awkward moments we had.  For some reason, I was never good at talking to him.  We've had many long pauses, lots of hangout sessions where we just stare at our computers and say hardly a word.  But he kept asking to hang out with me.  Even now, he is deeply devoted to his girlfriend but he still likes hanging out with me.  He's really nice, and we're not very close – but we're good.

But he made me realize, once again, that what happened with that ex-friend was not my fault.  I was naive, innocent, inexperienced… sure.  But I still am.  And lots of people still like me, get along with me, seek me out, wave at me across the room even if we've only hung out one-on-one a few times – even after my most awkward moments.  The disaster that happened between my ex-friend and me was not my fault, as I had come to believe.  After all, I was struggling with depression and had an anxiety attack when he pushed me away – but he pushed me away.

I've discovered that it's actually easier to say it was my fault than to admit that he was wrong.  Because if it was my fault, then it was not his, and he didn't hurt me.  But if it's his fault, then my heart rips open again and bleeds hard.  So I've been struggling with that with what feels like a week but has only been the past couple of days.  I'm okay, but he really did hurt me; and now every time I see him, I wonder, "Who is he?"

I don't acknowledge him, for the most part.  I've wrestled with that decision but I think it's the best one. I think most would agree, with the exception of a few people that might say that I should encourage him to think I want to be friends.  The problem with the latter philosophy is that I spent the end of last semester thinking like that and it was painful; and furthermore, it didn't work.  He was just as good at "not seeing" me when I said hi as when I didn't.  And this way, even when I look right at him, I am at least being consistent, which is my main complaint against him.  I show him that I don't want to play that game anymore.  He has no control over me; I couldn't (in practice) care less about him.  If he wants me, he has to come get me.  I'm not chasing after him anymore.  It's all on him.

Not acknowledging him also encourages me to let him go and to stop trying to make him like me.  That was my main problem last semester.  I thought that if I went out of my way to say hi, like most friends would, that he would want to be friends.  Friendship would just come naturally if I presumed it.  But he didn't read the script, apparently.  My attempts only left me feeling frustrated, rejected, and obsessed.

Crazy, as he put it.

But I've decided not to try to contact him and talk to him about it.  If we talk about it, a decision has to be reached.  I would have to say, "Either be friendly or leave me alone."  Once that decision is made, he will either stick to it or he won't, but howsoever that may be, it would be sticking a tombstone in our relationship and minimizing the room for growth.  Perhaps he will grow and mature and we could some day be friends; but not if I tell him he needs to leave me alone.  And ultimately, I'd like us to find healing one day.

So I've learned that nothing just goes away.  But that can be a good thing, too.  And the bad reminds me to cherish the good, which is oh so precious to me.

I'm genuinely bewildered by much of the good in my life, so it's awesome and amazing.  It's hard to let it do what it has to do.

~Meggy

P.S.  Did you make it all the way to the end?

Never Forever

Loneliness has been gripping my soul.  With less than a week before my return trip to college, my longing for my friends has increased thirtyfold.  I can't wait to see their faces and hear their voices.  I can't wait to actually do all the things we've promised to do.

My friends may never understand even an inkling of how much they mean to me.  As a life-long loner, it's amazing to have people texting me  – even Skyping me! – over the summer.  Seventh through twelfth grade, I could have been the poster child for the people who say homeschoolers aren't properly socialized.  And in my whole life, I've had maybe five or six friends – in recollection – and only one at a time.  The fact that I have so many different people interested in befriending me at one time is amazing.

If only I could express these feelings.  Those that want to hear it, wouldn't understand their depth.  Those that would take it, would try to sympathize or would be embarrassed and uncomfortable.  Some would not like being so serious long enough to hear.

But perhaps there are other ways to express my feelings.  Perhaps words are not the best way.  I think, maybe, these feelings that want to explode are meant to stay that way.  By chance, maybe the barely bridled gratitude and affection inside me would feel tainted, deflated once let out in minced, jumbled phrases.  More likely, such feelings were meant to build – further constructed with every hug and good word, better fortified with every trial, magnified until unfading, preserved even after long separation in our happy thoughts and cherished memories.  Never to be described.

I fear the day when I have to go away.  These four years will truly be the time of my life.  It could well be that I may find friends after college and find a cute little community for myself in a small town somewhere….  But never will I live in a community so close and available… never will it be so beautiful and open… never will it be a large Catholic community, all talking about anything that comes to mind without reserve or awkwardness….  I will truly miss all these dear characters in my life.  For never have I been so anxious to be with people who scared me so much.

I'm only going into my second year of college; I know I'm a bit premature; but if there's one thing I thrive on, it's deliberating on notions long before their time.

And I truly will miss the people who are helping me get so far.  Without them, I would never have known my fears as I do now – I would never have grown so much.  I would never have embraced such terror with so much anticipation.

It is my fervent prayer that I will find someone among them who will not want to move on without me.  We can go away from there together, and support each other in the separation.   I can let my love for him grow to insurmountable heights, and I never need explain anything; for I'll live my unfading feelings – forever.

~Meggy

And this is what my summer has come to?

I just finished off the last of the popcorn I made by rubbing it in the extra salt in the bottom of the popper.  My mouth was on fire from the excess of salt.  If for no other reason than that, I'm staying up to chew gum and sort of "purge" my mouth before I get ready for bed.

I found out that, contrary to my proud assumptions, my zucchini, squash, and pumpkin plants were infested by borer insects.  I was very sorry to see that.  I considered trying to save them, but I just won't have time for that kind of surgery – plus the intensive care required after that.  So after taking a closer look at the zucchini plants, which had only produced two fruit and then seemed to give up, I pulled them out.  Much of the squash was in such a state that I gave up any idea of salvaging any of it, although they were producing well.  Everything except the Butternut squash is now gone (Butternut was bred for resistance against these pests).  I was grateful to find that not every pumpkin plant was affected, however, so I performed surgery on the ones I thought were worth saving, and they are now in the IC unit, so to speak, which means close watching, and careful watering, and meticulous protection against adverse weather conditions.

Check out THIS website for details on the pests I'm talking about.  Today, I also saw the second bug mentioned, so I'm anxious to do something about that….

I've only got a little over a week before I go back to Franciscan University.  I'm really looking forward to it.

Speaking of which, I was at work at the barn this morning, and when I went to get paid, Mrs. Contryman said, "I don't suppose you need a fridge.  For college or anything?"  I jumped at the opportunity.  Yes, I need a fridge!  It needs to be cleaned, but now I have a fridge for college!  Sometimes I have to be reminded that God does indeed provide.

This has been a busy week, and next week is going to be busy as well.  And then there'll be the stress of getting to and moving into and adjusting to college.  But it's going to be great.  It's simply going to be a fantastic year.

~Meggy

A Friend, A Brother

Hello.  Just checking in to let those who were concerned know:

Everything is fine between the guy who was wrecking my life and me.  There are a few things that I won't excuse him for, but there definitely were a few misunderstandings and some mistakes on my side.  We're not where I would have wanted us to be, but there's absolutely no reason why we can't be in the future if our paths parallel.

On the other hand, I'm realizing the very great blessing another man in my life is to me.  Calling him a man almost seems inappropriate because he's so fun and "little."  (Physically, he's a good size.  But he's young in... you know, like, playful, cute, teasing – and totally not in a flirty way.)  He has always legitimately felt like my brother – although I'm not sure how he'd feel about that if I told him!  He's easy to talk to but, unlike some other people that are easy to talk to, our talk is very light and fun.  Even serious topics are suddenly made small.  We don't take life too seriously when we talk.  Other people deliberate too much or are too flippant about the subject.  He has a healthy balance between the two.  Perhaps this should be what qualifies him as a man.  He's mature in a simple way.  He's mature in relation to his age.  He is not overly philosophical and he is not exactly juvenile.  But he has retained some of the playful ways of boys without the mature connotations of men.

Suddenly my mood is very much lifted after a quick prayer group with him.  After our daily prayers, I talked to him about an interesting thing going on in my life – not directly related to me but my best friend.  It concerns me a little bit and, because she's dramatic and tends to throw herself at life, I don't know if I should say something or just be there for her.  I talked to him about it and we didn't really come to a conclusion.  I just felt better laughing with him about it!  We weren't discussing her, the problem, or anything negatively – just how I felt, and how I feel is kind of trapped and uncertain.  But we discussed it without being dramatic.  We can discuss things in our life that is truly serious and take it seriously, but I think we're both Listeners – so it feels SO GOOD.  Fortunately, I think he's a less philosophical Listener than I am – I sometimes take things as tending toward a depressing level that they didn't need to be on.

And suddenly the funk I'd fallen back into is gone!  I'm very, very grateful to God for many things.  He's going on the top of the list today.

~Meggy

My theme song

A Little Relief

I went to Confession finally and I feel so much better having just admitted all my struggles.  It's wonderful when someone kind and gentle and unfamiliar with your particular situation is able to tell you what you've been doing to yourself.  My confessor reflected that I've been overworking my head, heart, and soul.  I'm taking too much upon myself – letting my struggles get between me and God, even though I do have a strong relationship with God.

If you could please continue to pray for me, however, because I'm at a crossroads with a lot of decisions to make.  I feel like I've never been this naked on my blog before, but I'm appreciating the support I'm getting.  Thank you so much – I never would have anticipated this kind of response.

I'm going to try to approach everything with prayer first – pray, handle, praise, pray, handle, praise, pray.  Make God my first thought, so that He's infused into everything.  I hope that'll smooth out a lot of the problems I've been having.

~Meggy

I can't feel you anymore – you have gone so far away....

What to write when you have nothing much on your mind?

I miss him.

And I miss him.

And it's odd to feel that I've come home to my dorm room.

I wish I had been wiser growing up.  I wish I hadn't wasted so many years in misery.  I wish I could think of a period of my life that I'm proud of.

I wish Lent wasn't almost over.  I was not as successful as I ought to have been.  But there's still time left for progress – all is not yet lost.

I keep zoning out today.  Not "in the zone."  Way out of it.  It's awkward.  I'm having trouble keeping regular conversation.

I've learned that – guess what? – I'm not shy.  Well, I am.  I'm shy about my looks.  I'm shy around people that, for whatever reason, intimidate me.  But I'm not afraid to talk to people.  I love talking to people – need to talk to people.

I'm so incredibly stupid.  God is so good.

Society looks at the evil in the world; I look at the evil inside.  Society wonders why a good God would let bad things happen; I wonder why He doesn't let them happen more often.

–– Why does God love me?  What have I ever done?  Nothing.  He loves me because He created me; He created me because He loves me.  He loved me first, second, and lastly.  The sin did not come before the love.  The Love is eternal - the sin is not.

Sin is an emptiness.  Sin is a nothingness.  Sin is empty.  Sin is nothing.  Sin is a lack of something – sin is a lack of God.  May there not always be a lack of God in my heart.

And with that, I've gotten very philosophical.  I must be more tired than I think.

I have homework I ought to be working on.

I'm working on a habit of complimenting myself whenever I start to put myself down.  So – I'm stupid? Well, yes, but God made you with an incredibly beautiful soul.  Look around!  You are surrounded by people who love you.  You are surrounded by people who want you.  Don't close in on yourself, silly goose!  God loves you still, even just now, and it's His Love that will improve you.

It's a good day today for blankets, soothing music, and homework.  ("Homework?" "Yes, homework.  It's very satisfying when it's done.")

I could really use a hug and some chill time.  :(  Why are my best huggers so far away (physically and metaphorically)?

Download this free music and listen to the words... so good.

http://noisetrade.com/joshgarrels/love-war-the-sea-in-between

~Meggy

All You Need is Love

Hello, world.  I've been so busy and stressed out lately that I've fallen behind in my blog reading.  I'm getting caught up this week, as I'm on break, but it's going to be a while most likely.

I was glad to be home.  I missed my team – my brother and sisters – and I was glad to see my dad.  When I saw my mom, I was glad and a little surprised by her complacent and pleasurable nature.  I was glad to be home.

Flying is so wonderful – and I love flying at night over the cities.  Boston is absolutely amazing at night.  It's like looking at black holes in a star-ridden sky.  When the light hits the water just right, you can see the amazing power contained in the ripples as the wings of the plane nearly dip into them.

But my mother smothers me.  I never felt free to be me and express myself.  She tries to protect me and make sure I don't go wild, but I am wild.  I have to get crazy once in a while.  I have to get obnoxious once in a while and do things that she doesn't entirely approve of.  I'm not talking about sinning – I'm just talking about not being entirely respectable and reserved.  I appreciate her concern and her attempts to keep me pure – so far it has worked fairly well.  But there are things you can do even on your own in a hole in the ground under a rock with no modern resources – whether you realize what you're doing or not.  And if you don't realize what you're doing, the willful sin is not there, but you can get into such a mess.  So my mother may be very protective and careful, but it has left me ignorant in so many ways.

She is my mother so I love her.  But she is so suppressive.  I just want to go back to school where my friends are so I can figure myself out.  I can't do that here anymore – in fact, I never could.  I am shoved so roughly into a mould that I could never figure out just who I am.  In fact, I struggle with that in some of my relationships.  I always thought that either I would be the depressing bore always looking down and trying not to draw attention to myself or I would be the cute little fairy always anxious to please with a smile on my face and a cheerful attitude.  Neither one is the person I want to be but I thought it was inevitable.  Because I thought that who you were was what other people needed you to be.

I am neither of those people.  I am a fun but melancholic sweetheart with a head for trouble and a heart of gold.  My mouth doesn't run out of battery fast enough sometimes and almost never recharges as fast as I'd like.  My heart is so strong that it can build walls in two seconds flat, and my head is so overstimulated that I can scan a room three times and stare right at who or what I'm looking for and not see it.  My body is so insecure that it leans when it is given attention and collapses in confusion when the affection is erratic or discontinued.  I love to smile and I bring joy to those people around me when I do.  People don't mind and even appreciate my sarcasm and cynicism.  People need me and enjoy, even actively seek out my company.  Even when I feel like I've done something incredibly stupid, most people don't appear to be swayed in the least.

I've realized that there is no such thing as an entirely innocent and perfect person.  We all have something locked inside us that makes us weaker than we'd like.  Everyone has an insecurity; everyone has that one person that they try so desperately to please; and everyone is afraid of losing the people near to them.  I can be and am one of those people that a person is afraid to lose.

It still takes me by surprise when someone says, "It's good to see you," or "I've missed you!" or "Want to eat together?"  Because I've been so starved of this attention, I thought that such happenings were rare – at least for someone as pathetic as me.  I always imagined that it would be really special and dramatic.  It's not.  "It's good to see you," doesn't mean that they desperately need you with a passion that will fill your every emotional vacancy.  But that makes it all the more special.  "Want to eat together?" means that he (or she, it doesn't matter) likes to be around you and enjoys the perk you bring to his day.

Most people have a lot of contacts in their phone's contact list.  When someone sends me a casual text, I'm extremely touched; it means I stand out from the rest of the list (except in some cases, in which I begin to suspect that he's just making the rounds and/or his finger randomly picked me this time).

Maybe my blog isn't the place for this.  But I think you can all identify with this in some way.  Again, this is another long rant – my writing seems to tend toward that these days.  I'm more excitable on the outside lately; but inside and on the page, I am deeper and more philosophical.  I have difficult and pressing questions on my heart.  The serious thoughts that fill my head now are very real and deserve my concern.  Before, they were imagined or I had no decision to make: I was stuck and I wanted passion and excitement in my life.

I miss my friends.  They bring such love to my life.  I love my brother and sisters but they are too young and too tied down by the mentality at home to understand.  My friends know I'm broken and know I want to have fun and know that I'm different and unique – and they are 100% okay with that.  What's more, they are not so busy trying to hide their own hurt that they can't be open with me and for me.

If you don't have this blessed miracle now, I pray that someday you do – and even that you have the heartaches that go with it.  It is so beautiful and so pure and so necessary for the human person.

"The LORD GOD said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a suitable partner for him.'"

~Meggy

P.S. Please pray for me and a friend of mine.  We are not on good terms, but I do not think that all is lost.  However, with all humility and pain, I must admit that he has a lot of maturing to do if our friendship is to ever to solidify.  Pray for our mutual maturity and forgiveness and strength and purity.  Anything you can give us I will forever be indebted to you for.  Seeing him fills me with such regret because I know he is struggling far more than I am.  Pray that God fills me with His divine love for this man He has created and that I love him and do all for him for his sake and not for my own.

My First Heartbreak

To all those who have read between the lines, yes, I have a crush on someone.  To all those who just read the last entry on what I've learned about relationships, it wasn't him.

No, this lesson learned came from a boy that was a mere distraction.  When I thought he actually cared about me, I began to fall in love with him.  When I realized that we were heading down a rough path, I began to rethink what we'd been doing.  I decided that we needed to change some things.  Then this past Sunday happened, and I got back to my dorm and had a good cry.  Then I thought of all the times he had made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and I carved him out of my heart.

Good gracious grief, I wish we could go back to the way it was.  He was a great friend until we got flirty.  It spiraled down so fast it was almost a straight line.  I remembered how he never wanted to go to the dances with me; he turned down doing things with me and my friends but later said he watched a movie with his friends; he texted me four nights in a row and then hardly acknowledged my existence for at least as long, making me wonder if I'd done something wrong.  Then he would flirt with me again.  I began to feel like the "easy girl" – the "I feel like flirting, who can I find?" girl, the "I have friends and other things I feel like doing, who needs her?" girl.

Then Sunday happened and he turned on me again.  And I carved him out of my heart and gave that piece back to him through a vague text (which mainly served to establish boundaries), which then only confirmed my fears that he did not wish to continue a friendship.

I don't know what I did.  No, I do know what I did.  But I hope that he realizes, at some point, that I want to forget the flirting and go back to the days when I sat with him when he was feeling ill and encouraged him as he headed off for his test; when he thought I was amazing; when I felt good being with him; when I felt safe being with him.

But as I bared my soul about him to my friend, thoughts of my old crush were revived.  He's not around presently, but the memories of his chivalry and his thoughtfulness won my heart in his absence.  I am careful not to take these feelings too seriously, but I do like him, and I remember why.  And I am anxious to see him again, if only because he has a beautiful smile.

And that is the man the previous posts hinted at.

~Meggy

Notes in My Journal for Next Time

Some things I've learned from my first "almost relationship" in college:

1. Don't let him get too flirty; don't let yourself get too flirty.  Especially at first, don't let it get physical.  You need to be careful of excessive or special hugs even, and very careful of snuggling.  It will not make you closer.  It will only hurt you.
2. If he's a flirt – just straight out, that's his personality – set boundaries.  If he does something that makes you even mildly uncomfortable, don't let him do it.  Don't trick yourself into thinking: "I'm not used to hugging and stuff.  I just need to chill and become more comfortable with touching."
3. If he is unclear and acting weird, don't assume that you did something wrong.  Don't mess up your head trying to figure out what you need to do to smooth things over.  Unless you fought with him or said something wrong, you don't need to do anything to bring him back around to you.  You don't need to tiptoe to please him.
4. If he makes you feel like a princess and then makes you feel like dirt, let go.  You two are through.  However good a person he may be, he is not that "good guy"for you.  You can still be friendly be with him but you need to stop crushing on him.  It doesn't matter that he helped you through rough times.  There are men out there you really do care and will go out of their way for you.  Find some, but don't spill your emotional guts all over them.
5. You are God's princess and He will send you a man who ALWAYS, not just sometimes, makes you feel like a blessed child of God.

~Meggy

The Importance of Keeping a Diary

Do you keep a journal?  I do.  I collect journals, actually.  I usually have a hard time walking away from a journal display without buying one.  Like with anything else, I'm picky about my journals – size, features, graphics, etc.  But the bookstore here has a phenomenal selection.  Every time I go in there I want to buy one!!!  But I don't.  Although I gave in once.  Even though I didn't need it and I don't really use it.  But it's really cute.

Anyway, I have kept a journal for as long as I can remember, and I have a small collection of dairies back home that I go through sometimes.  ...Oh gosh.  If ever I doubt that there's a God, I just have to pick up one of those dairies and skim through them.  Not because they're filled with accounts of miracles or visions; it's because it reminds me where I've been.  And where I've come.  And how.

Sometimes I just blush tomato red when I read them, and I've considered burning them or parts of them.  And maybe I should.  Some would say that it would be symbolic of letting go of the past.  For me, it reminds me not to make those same stupid mistakes again.  I read something that I, have since, decided I am not proud of; but sometimes I realize that I'm doing it again.  It's a reality check; but not always in a negative way.  Sometimes I come across an inspiring insight that I wrote once upon a time – and I don't even remember it.  Or I realize that I've forgotten to look at life through those rosier-colored lenses.  It's definitely a reality check.  Not everything you learn sticks with you.

A journal also allows you to organize in an unorganized manner the thoughts that are going on in your head so that you can decide whether and how you'll share those thoughts with someone else – and the best part?  No one will judge you on your grammer, logic, or feelings.  Unless you have a mother that, for some reason, feels she has the right to read your journal if she finds it.  I know someone (a naive someone) who advised me to keep a journal but to keep it hidden, because she always read her daughter's journal when she came across it.  She also advised I burn my used journals, so you can see how much I value her opinion....  I was rather shocked when I heard that she read her daughter's journal – that just seemed so wrong.  But everyone is different I guess, and I've since wondered if someone would read my journal if I left it out – sometimes I left it out so that people could read it (if I was proud of what I wrote or was feeling vengeful; as far as I know, no one ever did read it. They would probably have let me know if they had been through my journal....).

Writing things in a journal, I've noticed, almost justifies you to yourself.  It's written down – in this nifty little book – therefore, it's real; it's valid; it's important.  It doesn't mean that you are delusional and egotistical – you usually can't be because you've got nothing to hide in a journal so you end up telling the truth.  But when you write down your feelings, it makes you feel better because what you're feeling is now based on a semi-logical train of thought.  You hope.  Not always, but sometimes.  I know that when I'm depressed, it rarely helps to write about it, because it's illogical to go on being depressed but there's nothing I can do to change it.

And so there you go.  My thoughts on journals in case you were wondering.  And I'm sure you were – you were probably chomping at the bit screaming, "HOW DOES MEGGY FEEL ABOUT JOURNALS?!?!  I MUST KNNNOOOOOW!"  Yeah, well, now you do.

...And yes, I said nifty.

Yikes.

~Meggy

Ash Wednesday

Okay, I'm not going to actually talk much about Ash Wednesday.  I've probably written about it before, and if you scan the list on the side of all the blogs I follow, you can probably find an entry on one of them about Lent.  If that's what you're looking for, go scan those, 'cuz I've been there, done that.  Moving on.

Lent is, you know, a BIG DEAL.  Especially for Catholics, and now we have the added trial of the pope's resignation.  The world is in turmoil.  I mean, much of the world couldn't care less about Pope Benedict's resignation; but there are so many other issues, and what affects one group has ripple effects throughout the world.  So, you know, pray and stuff.

The thing is, I can't say anything that I haven't already said before.  And I certainly can't think of anything to say that hasn't been said by someone before, and whoever it was, he probably said it a lot better than I ever could.  So go to the experts if you want literature on Lent – don't come to me.  Just sayin'.

Click HERE to see previous posts on Lent

Ummmmm... but I'm not saying anything on Lent this year....  I'm gonna be too busy discovering it myself to teach it to anyone else.  For better or worse.

-----

Anyhow, I'm involved in a little known ministry called "Ministry to Moms."  Long story short, I'm a mother's helper.  It's the best ministry work ever.  When I first started this ministry is about the time that I closed my mind to religious life.  I've been pretty sure for some time that I was called to marriage, but being part of a family again and taking care of children was what did it for me.  I've got a "keep your mind open to God's signs" policy, but sometimes you've got to clamp your mind shut on something that God's been hitting you over the head with.  I just have to marry and keep house and raise kids.  It's sort of a necessity.  It's kind of always been my calling.  My sister, on the other hand, is considering religious life, and I think she's rather more suited to it.

Ummmmm, not sure why I told you that.

Oh! I guess because my "Steubie Mom" is having her fourth baby boy today.  I can't wait to meet him!

~Meggy

Right Now

Right now:

• I'm listening to "Don't You Wanna Stay," which is a song I really don't like.  So now I'm listening to "Wide Open Spaces."

• I'm studying Latin:

Parva et brevis sum.

I have no idea if that's right.  But whatever.

Parva sed fortis sum.

????????

I'm mixing adjectives and nouns here, hello?  Not sure if I'm allowed to do that....

• I'm not studying Latin. Obviously.
• I'm missing someone.
• I'm lonely.
• I'm bored.
• I'm now listening to "All Your Life"

Yes, I'm listening to a country station.

• I wish I was hanging with friends but I very much can't right now.
• I've yet to go to Mass.  I hate going to Mass in the afternoon – but that's what you get for sleeping in.
• I've got spring fever, and I can't wait to go home for the summer and dig up my garden again.  The pumpkins are going to be successful this year, no questions asked.  And so is everything else.  Last season, I failed miserably at a lot of it.  But it was fun anyway!
• I'm very, very hungry, and I'm missing my momma's cooking.  I'm missing my cooking.
• I'm glad to be here, but I'm missing Boston and the fresh air in my home town – the pines, the sugar houses, and the wood fires.

Have a great Sunday, guys.  Ash Wednesday is only a few days away!

~Meggy