Why Homosexual Unions are Not Marriage

People generally consider marriage as a certificate and really expensive ceremony that declares to family, friends, and the world: "After a period of time together, we have strong feelings for one another and think we might live happily together for the rest of our lives. Let's celebrate that hope."  This new-fangled marriage serves almost no purpose. It's the step you take after "living together and testing sexual compatibility," and it signals a hope for eternal happiness. But it can be broken and cast aside if need be. It's practically pointless.

Heck, if you just really want a certificate and a really expensive, crowded ceremony, all you need is a computer, a printer, and an assembly hall.  Nobody's going to stop a minister from pronouncing you "married."

But once upon a time, marriage served a function. The marriage of two people, a man and a woman, was not merely the joining of two people in love to support each other through good and bad; marriage served the society. A man and a woman in marriage love each other and procreate.  New children, new members of society, new citizens are born and raised in this construct, taught and trained and nurtured for adult life. And that is why the government has a duty to protect and support the family structure - it is good for society and builds society.

My stance is not going to be popular but I know this is true: children need a mother and a father. That is true biologically and it is true psychologically. Children can survive without one or even both of their parents, but it is more difficult for them. For example, young boys often suffer, these days, because of the absence of a father. Sometimes another male father-figure in their life helps them stay on the path, but studies have shown that children usually do better with both their parents.

Of course, that is ideal. Sometimes, that can't always be. But a homosexual union fails to fulfill the goals of marriage completely. They cannot procreate children, and children they raise have two of one gender and are denied their need for the other. Furthermore, a man or a woman is used to create a child on demand and then never participates in the life of that child again.  Their motherhood or fatherhood of the child is denied. The child grows up not knowing who they came from, their background, or their origins.  They don't know who they are.  They don't have roots.  This will sound harsh, but the biological parent essentially seems to say, from the perspective of the child's heart, "I don't love you.  You were created for the pleasure of your homosexual guardians.  Have fun with your life."  Even adopted children have to deal with that phenomenon, never mind a child brought into the world through a surrogate mother.

If you are homosexual and want to live with your significant other, I can't stop you. But you don't need marriage. Marriage serves to create and bring up new people in a stable home, ideally, with both a mother and a father. Science has shown, testimonies have shown that children need that. [And yes, that affects how I feel about divorce as well.]

And society suffers if it defines marriage as whatever you want it to be.  Because the children suffer.

I'm not anti-love.  I'm pro-marriage.

I Want It All

This is the first draft of a post for my other blog.  I'm not sure if I like my conclusion.  Please tell me what you think!

"Just because I love my job doesn't mean I don't love babies."

In the complicated, American culture we know and love today, women are being told that 1) you can have a career and a family, and 2) you can't really have both.  If that seems confusing to you, well, that's because it is.

I don't remember specific incidents in my life of hearing one or the other, but I know they were there because I'm familiar with the conflict.  I'm fairly certain it even comes up in children's movies.  The dominant view in my life, however, was that you could, in fact, have both.  Other young women had contrary experiences.  Take Kimberly Reeverts, for example.  She's quite upset that she's been told she can only have career or a family.  And she's going tell you about how she's choosing both.

Now I'm a feminist of a certain sort.  I won't go into the politics of different movements of feminism - let's just say I'm a fan of Emma Watson.  And I'm a fan of Reevert's freedom to pursue her dream and use her talents to both fulfill her and contribute to society.

What I'm not a fan of is the "I want everything, I'm getting everything" mentality. It's shortsighted

Right now, I live in an apartment with two roommates. I work approximately 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Now, I like housework. I like making my space neat, clean, comfortable, and inviting. And I am responsible for no one but myself and I still have a difficult task of finding time to take care of myself and my space. If I had my own car to take care of, it would be harder. If I had kids, it'd be even worse.

There are days that I drag my feet through because my boyfriend and I are running all over and I really need some quiet time to talk to him. And it can be emotionally draining and tough on both of us. Sometimes I'm just not in tune to him. Upgrade that to two full-time jobs with kids. Holy crap.

I'm not saying it can't be done. It can be, and families that do it well are an inspiration to me.

However, Reevert's approach to the difficulty fails to be any kind of a solution.  She's studying hard to continue her education in literature, but now she's decided that she can't imagine her life without children – children that she, in fact, doesn't have yet.  I'd like to hear back from her in a few years to know if it's what she expected.

Because talking to them on the street is one thing.  Because balancing motherhood, professor-hood, and wifehood all at the same time is difficult.

"I started needing joy. All of a sudden I felt intense cravings for life experiences—quality life experiences. I need more and now. I need new and constant."

 But that, alone, is not a good reason to have children, especially if you don't have time for them.

Reeverts might very well be able to make it work, but the trend in the culture is to say, "ME!!! I WANT."  And we, in order to sustain our illusion, ignore the fact that children need their parents.  They need their parents to have time for them.  They need their parents to make them top priority.  Can they survive without that?  Yes….  Do you want them to?

I hope Reeverts all the best as she seeks to incorporate children into her life.  They are a blessing and I hope she is blessed.  But I hope she has considered that children have to be more than an adrenaline rush to her, because that's not what you're going to feel at 3 o'clock in the morning.  I hope she knows that children are more than profound simplicity and are often immediately, selfishly demanding.  I hope she realizes that her future children are a huge responsibility and when they move out of the house, they'll either think she's the best mom… or they won't.

Somebody's got to clean the house.  Somebody's got to make the food.  Somebody's got to run errands.  Somebody's got to take care of the sniffly little one.

Why do we, today, think that we can do everything?  Because we can.  And we think we should.

Reeverts doesn't have to have it all figured out and planned to the last detail before she starts on her family; but may she not be disappointed.

Our School System, a point of interest with me

I'm working on a post for my other blog and I'd like your honest opinions!  This is the second draft.

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Here's the Situation

Something absolutely disgusts me and so I will share my hotheaded, passionate, strong-worded opinion with you about the school system in America.

The school system sucks.  We send our kids across town or into the next to attend a school where the hormones way outnumber the adults, and the adults have very little power because we don't trust them because we don't know them and they don't know us.  And it would be a liability for them to do anything about anything.

I know quite a few people who want to be teachers and I know they would never knowingly let a child be bullied or kill themselves.  But these are big schools, and what can the teachers do if they do know?  They don't have a lot of power.  The least they can do, you hope, is to tell the parents what is going on, and sometimes that doesn't even happen.

And what can the parents do?

Well here is where it gets ugly.  Parents knowingly send their children to school, day after day, to be bullied and sexually harassed.  I mourn the loss of children who take their lives and only after do the parents find out that bullying was involved.  That's a horrible family structure but it moves me to compassion, given the general rushing about and distraction in our modern, first-world country.  But when I hear the testimony of some mother who knows her little girl is being harassed or knew the whole time that school was a living hell for her son and sent them off every day anyway... I feel disgust and revulsion.  How in the world can a parent tell a child that they just have to put up with this behavior?  That there is nothing anyone can do about this and no one cares that your life is driving you to an early death?

I sympathize - this is a tough world, a tough culture we live in and we're all stressing out to stay ahead.  But if you can't tighten your belts to send them to another school or take them out and homeschool, you best at the very least be raising Cain about it and keeping your child away from that mess, one way or another.

We are very protective of our children.  That is to say - we love griping about injustices done them.  We have way too many tests now in school.  The teacher doesn't care at all.  The school is forcing my child to do this, but they won't take care of the bullying.  The ref made a bad call!  My four-year-old wants to be a girl but people have the nerve to tell me I shouldn't let him!  He'll only be vaccinated if I say so!  I have a right to have children any way I want, in whatever relationship I want!  Don't force labels on my kids!  Don't leave them home alone!  Don't have guns in the house!  They should have taught them that at school!  What's the matter with them, leaving my child unprotected and ignorant like that?  No shampoo in my baby's eyes!  Only the most organic, healthy food for my children.  No more soda at school!

But when it comes to action, we're pathetic.  When it comes to caring what is actually best for the children, we're selfish and stupid.

These days, children are future politicians.  We need to indoctrinate them with a politically correct education (no offense if that's you, but really, how long has Christopher Columbus been a hero?) and measure their intellectual growth and make sure it's alllllll the same everywhere so we can force "equality" (intellectual sameness) across the nation.  They need to accumulate as many certificates and diplomas and awards and stats as possible so that their resume is more impressive, regardless of their actual skill or ability to function in society and the workplace.

Scholarship is numbers.  Skill is book learning.

But There's a Problem

John Oliver, who is a favorite of mine, recently commented on how the obsession with testing is affecting our children.  At least, how it is affecting them in ways we can immediately see.  He didn't, I'll note, mention how it's affecting their love of learning or their psychology.  But it's too early to know everything.  Perhaps we should experiment with them for a few more years.

This past Sunday, John Oliver did a segment on FIFA - oh how glorious an overhaul that is turning out to be!  (Not actually sarcasm this time.)  He challenged the sponsors of FIFA to take a stand, promising that he would even drink a Budweiser product if they withdrew their sponsorship.

In the past, John Oliver has instigated ridiculous and funny social media movements with various effectiveness and varying degrees of actual importance.  He launched a campaign to save mating geckos lost in space.  He started a movement to protest the casting of Christian in Fifty Shades of Gray. #NotMyChristian

But when it comes to children, he did nothing.

Well, we are all more aware of what we should have known in the first place, but where is the great emotional uproar?  Where are the ice bucket challenges and dares and matched pledges to get this crap under control?  Where is the call to action?

Well, "to be fair," many of John Oliver's calls to action have been jokes or for something that is easily changed.  Bullying, educational requirements, smaller class sizes, actively aware parents - it can't be done with a catchy hashtag.  And my point isn't to accuse John Oliver of not caring enough about children.  That's not he point - the point is how complicated and difficult a problem this is and we're not spending nearly enough time on it as a whole.  These are, if you will, the future politicians.  You can't not care, even if you're not sparked by the injustice of torturing young and immature people who don't have a choice but will be affected by this for the rest of their lives, then affecting the next generation and so on.

And We Need a Solution

For me, personally, I have a vague idea of what I want.  I want way smaller schools, and more of them - in the communities that they serve.  Perhaps one large facility of expensive equipment for the area.  I want tutors/teachers to teach students by studying the greats as well as new theories, where contrary schools of thought are allowed and not feared so thinking can flourish, and the arts are included.  I want the work environment to adopt a learn-on-the-job environment, an experienced-based totem pole, rather than a "how many diplomas and qualifications can you pay for?" system.  And I want universities to be more about fulfilling the student's needs than handing out the diplomas and qualifications, and certainly not about bringing in money to compete with other schools.  If it's not about the students, what is it about?

I'm not an expert; I just know this system is not ideal for me.  It doesn't seem ideal for anybody.  And if someone can prove that my vision couldn't work, at least I'll have gotten someone thinking more about this issue.  Because I'm not qualified to say what needs to be done and I don't have the power to do it, but what we need is a decision about what ought to be done so that people like John Oliver and you and me can actually do something about it: #notmyeducationsystem

We can't just complain.  We have to decide what we want done and push for it.

Elder Days of Yesteryear – But Not Now

Please forgive me for not updating this blog EVER.  I'm very busy now.  I work for my school newspaper as web editor (The Troubadour), I am a technician's aid in the virtual conference lab, and I'm an eLearning Assistant aid, so when I'm not producing media for other people, I'm studying for my five classes ranging between 200 level and 400 level.

It's a lot, but it's not too difficult to keep up.

Anyway, as I've said before, my new blog has long been up and running and I'm committed to getting something out every two weeks.  If you're not interested in the nice little reflections and daily craziness that I used to share on this blog, you might enjoy Our Hearts Unhindered….  But if you don't really need another Matt Walsh type blog (only not as professional or snarky), then Our Hearts Unhindered may not be for you.  The only way I can recommend it is to say that it comes from me.  And it is my personal thoughts and experiences.  Only one of my friends knows about it because the topics and the non-specific experiences I relate could embarrass my acquaintances –

So if you do read it, please, please, if you want to, comment on the quality and material.  I do a lot of writing and I'm fairly good at it, but nearly all of my writing never comes under scrutiny.  My writing may not improve much unless someone points out that it sounds very dull indeed, or that it doesn't flow logically.  And my beliefs and my understanding of the world will not grow if no one challenges me.  I mean, if you're inclined to do that sort of stuff… please do.

I generally have a "no comment" policy, meaning that I will not reply directly to comments.  This is because it hinders the conversation, I find.  It also is not super professional.  So if you'd like to discuss something with me directly, there is a contact form; but please also leave a comment so others can see and contribute.

But y'all don't want to hear about my blog!

My sister had spinal fusion surgery yesterday because of her scoliosis and so I drove home yesterday afternoon into the night to visit her today.  It's really nice to be back in my own room, and I had forgotten how quiet it gets at night in the country.  People sleep and stuff.

The surgery went as expected and she's recovering well, but she's very tired.  She had to keep rolling over from side to side all night long so she didn't get much sleep, and getting out of bed is, I hear, I bit exhausting.  But I'm going in to see her today and I'm really excited.  She's my baby.

There's this song that I can't decided whether I like or not – so I'm thinking probably not really.  Anyway, a fraternity at some school somewhere made their own video to it and it's actually really impressive (…to me anyway).  So, as if in tribute to the elder days of yesteryear, I'll leave this here:

~Meggy

Blank Christmas Home Cookies

I wish I had something to write here.  I truly do.  I truly, dupily do.  But my mind is a blank.  A fat ole blank.  Imagine a white sheet of paper, then take an eraser and shimmy it all over the paper, then take liquid white out and spill it out on the paper and spread it around, then crumple it up and throw it in a can of white paint, and when the paper dries – that's how blank my mind is.

As white as the foot of snow we have.

Mmm but Christmas is coming.  We have decorations up, and we're lighting our Advent wreath, and presents are beginning to stack up under the tree.  I know some people don't decorate their tree until Christmas Eve, which sounds like a lovely tradition but then you have a big ole ugly tree sitting in your house for weeks until Christmas Eve.  We decorate the tree as soon as we get it up.  What do you do?

It's funny being away at college and coming home to a slightly different atmosphere.  The dog and cat have gotten into bad habits.  I've been discovering that it has to do with their masters not being as firm with them as they maybe should be.  And, you know, with time, it's sometimes hard to see the hurt you do to others with your daily words and actions.  Some individuals, if not all, have perhaps slipped a little when it comes to that.  But on the other hand, my siblings have gotten older and matured.  I can talk to my baby sister like an adult now.  We went out shopping the other day and she was very helpful assisting me navigate complicated streets.  We had intelligent conversations.  It's nice to be home.

On a lighter note, my boyfriend sent me a great recipe for oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and I'm going to do some baking today in our oven.  Mmm yum yum yum.  What's better than cookies?

~Meggy

Baby Girl

Life has been busy.  Between crazy classes and crazy drama, I've been having a hard time figuring out whether to laugh or cry.

You may remember "boy-who-messed-up-my-last-semester."  Our contact this semester has been awkward and the terms of our friendship are largely undefined.  Sometimes it hurts to see him – even more likely when he's with his girlfriend – and sometimes it doesn't bother me.  In theory, I smile to think he's happy; I'm happy, too.  But the reality is I'm sad things ended so badly, and I begrudge the fact that he felt it necessary to pull so far out of my life.  Maybe he's the wise one….  I couldn't say.

Another guy friend of mine has indirectly ended our friendship by deciding to completely remove the girl, who is my best friend, from his life.  He has a determined, leaning on the prideful side, headstrong personality, and this semester those irritating character traits of his seem to be worse.  I couldn't say for certain what and why… but I'm not the only one who thinks so.  Friends of mine have come to me and basically said, "What is going on with that guy?"  And he seems to have pushed away at least a few people.  The number one concern on the back of my mind is that he's almost secluded himself in a small, narrow community – harder for me or anyone else to reach out to him and see if there's a healthier balance.  But also, he was always there for me; and yet those moments of support always had a certain amount of "let me do my duty and check in on you but not really go out of my way otherwise" feeling to it.  I feel that way all the more now that he literally abandoned me when I wanted to hang out with him, simply because he didn't want to get involved in the drama my best friend was going through at the time.

There's also a guy who's into me, which he had decided after only knowing me for two days.  He's been behaving himself very well for the most part, but I had rather hoped that the initial infatuation had worn off – such is very much not the case.  The other night, we somehow ended up in a common room alone for a long time.  Instead of continuing to watch Doctor Who, we started talking – which is nice, right?  But you've got to be careful when you're with a guy who is way more into you than you are into him.  My best guy friend calls him my "stalker."  …Not seriously, of course.  This guy and I are good friends now and he's friends with my friends…and so on….

But so far, it's all been bad news, hasn't it?

I had a really nice conversation with my baby sister tonight.  I kept her up until 11; but she's thirteen now, and it's amazing to tell to her about things and listen to her responses.  It's not that she has experienced these things or understands what I'm experiencing, but she's older now, less of a child and more of a woman.  I love that little girl so much and I miss her.

In other news, I intented to Daughters of Jerusalem household; and I'm spending all day tomorrow in Pittsburgh.  More on that soon!

~Meggy

This Is Gonna Take Awhile

Sighhhhhhhhhh. . . . . .

I have. . .  a tale. . . of woe.

Okay, not really, but sorta.  See, okay, I'm just kinda of out of my mind lately.  I'm tired, I'm running around like crazy, I can't sleep like a normal person anymore, I'm in conflict about a friend, I'm in conflict about another friend, and I'm in conflict about myself.

Shall we start at the beginning of the list and work our way along?  Yes?  Yes. Yes, I think that'll be simplest.  It'll be easier for me to explain that way, I think.  I have a lot to say but I'm not quite sure how to go about saying it.

Alright, so I'm tired.  For the first part of the summer, I was working like crazy.  I was keeping up with two jobs, and also trying to satisfy my mother that I was working as often and as hard as I can to make as much money as was possibly available to me.  This expended a great amount of energy and a fair deal of stress.  Yippee.  But I got through it, and I even enjoyed it, and it wasn't that bad, really.  Just another challenge, and you may have heard about my way of handling challenges.  They had better think twice before coming along or they'll wish they'd never ben born – that's my policy.

Anyway, so I was tired.  One job depended on strawberry season, however, and strawberry season is, regrettably, over, so that's that.  But last week we went camping.  It was almost unbearably humid – but we bore it so it must have been bearable – and I was sleeping in a tent with no air conditioning.  Now, to be fair, there was the camper, right there, next to me, filled with air-conditioned goodness (air) – but there really isn't a spot in there for me without starting a fight sooooooo I was mature about it and slept in the tent.  . . .Okay, so it was also because I'm stupid and stubborn and I like have some personal space.  And quite frankly, even though I was tired constantly, I didn't mind being awake in the middle of the night just because it was just too dang hot.  I listened to the night sounds, if there were any, and just chilled. You've also got to remember that I share a room every day of my life otherwise – at school and at home so this is like heaven for me.

And anyway, one night, I texted my friend James, who also happened to be up; and another night, I texted my friend Marcus, who is always up.  I enjoy texting Marcus, whatever time of day it is. . . .

via

Anyhow, so now I'm home, but it's vewy, vewy humid and my room is one of the few in the house without air conditioning.  Sure, as my mother has pointed out before, I could sleep in the basement, but then there would be the effects of the fact that I'm not sleeping in my own bed – so is there an answer?  I ask you, is there an answer?  It's not that bad, really, we have the ceiling fan on and a window fan blowing out and drawing the cooler air in from downstairs, and by morning, it's usually pretty comfortable in there.  But even so, especially right after we got home from camping, I haven't been sleeping through the night very well.  I feel like I barely doze or I plummet into the depths of "knocked out" for an insufficient amount of time.

So what's next?  Oh, running around like crazy.  Right, well, you read about the part where I was running from one job to the next.  Basically, I have one that is every weekday morning, and then I would work this other one some afternoons and most open Saturdays.  But that's over.  So now I've just been going all over Connecticut (where we were camping), and now I'm running errands and keeping appointments, going to various kinds of summer parties (family, graduation, pool), and then there are various family get togethers and summer opportunities, too.  Not that any of this is bad, but I am tired, as we discussed.

Um, it would seem that I already explained my sleeping problem when I was explaining my exhaustion.  In addition, I try to sleep during the day – and to be fair to myself, I do sleep and sleep longer than my usual naps – but I always wake up before I would like and then can't go back to sleep for several hours.

. . . .

Now we get down to the dirt.  This is – as you are all too well aware, I'm sure – a very long post already; so be warned, now we discuss the deeper meaning of life. . .  or the deeper problems behind my facade, as it were.

Really, it won't be that bad.  But if you don't like drama, feel free to back out now.  I won't be offended.  I won't even know.  (And right now, I'm giggling at myself for my cleverness.  Do you see how I've gone mad?  It's quite a sickness, really, hard to shake.)

Yeah, I'm being weird, but I don't really care anymore.  Turns out people like me a little weird.  And as it comes naturally, I'm good with that!

Okay, so conflict with a friend.  Hmm.  There's two, as you read, and I'm not sure which to handle first.

Alright, well, there's my good friend who is a guy.  Yeah.  And I've always been fond of him, in so far as I thought he was funny and he reminded me of my little brother (always is a long time; let's say, since I got to know him).  But he started texting me shortly into this summer and suddenly, I really liked his company.  Now we text all the time.  And it's not just me.  I mean, sometimes I feel like I'm carrying the whole conversation on my shoulders, and then I begin to doubt if he really likes talking to me as much as I thought, and I feel myself backing off, shutting down, stiffening up.  But then he texts me the next day, just to talk.  Merely to talk.  To talk about nothing in particular.  He just texts me.  Even when neither of us has something to say, we want to talk.  And I'm scared.  Our friendship – the bulk of which developed through text messages – frightens me a little bit, but I trust him completely.  And I never would have suspected. . . .  But I really do trust him. . . in a way that I don't trust anyone else. . . utterly and completely. . . .  I'm not afraid that he won't have time for me. . . or that he won't care. . . or that he'll get annoyed. . . .  . . .Do you begin to understand?

As for my other friend conflict, it's very different.  It's with the girl that, until recently. . . .  No, even now, I consider her my best friend.  I haven't trusted her with all my secrets, and I suspect I never really will.  The problem, and only reason, is that we are so different.  I mean completely.  She's one of those girls that sees a new pic on Facebook and will comment, "Pretty girl!" or "You're so beautiful, babe!"  I would never, ever, ever, ever do that.  Not for any particular reason, but just because that's not my personality, or my traditional response to anything, or my way of thinking.  I love her, because she is, but she does so many things I can't understand and somethings I just plain don't like – and the feeling is mutual.  But for some reason that we can't explain, we are best friends.  But we recently had a fight over a comment I left on her Facebook profile photo.  I didn't mean it as an insult, but I typed it up in a hurry, realizing the time, and ran out the door to go to work. . . so I didn't realize how mean it sounded. . . .  She was ready to just shrug it off as just another weird thing I say, it seemed, but then her mom saw it.

Now if she had a problem with it, then of course, I'm sorry.  I would not want to hurt her feelings at all, of course.  But the problem was that she texted it to me – and you probably know how confrontations can quickly spiral out of control that way.

Being at work, and having been attacked in such a queer manner (as I'll explain in a minute), I texted right back.  That was my second mistake.  Because confrontations can quickly become nasty and hard to understand through text messages.

Anyway, we had a fight, through text messages, and no matter what I said, I couldn't seem to smooth things over.  Obviously, this should not have happened.  She should have called me.  I should have called her.  Whatever, but it should not have been handled through text messages.  Suffice it to say that we had a big fight.

Fortunately, my car battery was dead.  Fortunately?  Yeah, believe it or not.  I called my dad, who happened to be with my mom just two minutes up the road at the farm stand.  They came to help, just in time for me to completely break down in tears.

There's more, but the point is. . . it was vicious.  And I don't mean they (my friend and her mom) were vicious.  It was vicious.  I had a really emotional moment.  I don't want to continue to dis my friend to the world, but... even though we've tried to communicate since (on the phone or through Skype), for various technical difficulties, we just haven't been able to really talk.  She seems to want to make up, and that's fine with me. . . but what if she just can't see from my perspective?  That's what scares me.  Is it possible that she'll just plain disagree with me?  And I mean, I apologized, so I'm not sure what else she needs from me.  I guess I'm afraid of being vulnerable. . . .

Whoo.  Okay, so that's that.

As for my conflict with myself, I'm going through a spiritual renewal, brought on because of some old, bad mental habits that I developed out of loneliness.  And I'm also trying to figure out who I am. When I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself.

I finally know what that means – to not recognize myself.  But what I experience isn't like what some movies make it to be.  For me, I look in the mirror and I see a beautiful girl with a little bit of make-up on and clothes that fit and flatter.  I'm happy with my body and I'm proud of myself.  I'm pushing myself in uncomfortable situations, and I'm emerging triumphant.  I don't leave parties feeling ashamed at my ability to be invisible, I don't leave work feeling taken advantage of or disliked, and I don't chase after admiration anymore.  I'm eager to help and get things done, but I don't let other people get lazy.  I will not be invisible.

And that's not the girl I used to know.

~Meggy

Summer Continues

Day Six: Sunday, 12 May, 2013

After Mass, we drove up to my grandparents’ place and picked them up and drove into Boston.  We tried to get to the Arnold Arboretum but it was Mother’s Day weekend and Lilac Sunday so the place was super crowded.  Plus there were parades and traffic….  We quit and went to an Irish pub for lunch.  It was pretty good – and the weather was nice.  And overall it was a good day.

We went back to my grandparents’ place and kinda… napped.  Then I mentioned I wanted a Frisbee and my Papa went and got me one out of his garage.  So I went out into their front yard with my siblings and we tossed it around for a while.  My baby sister (who is actually 12 now) was really good, but I had to relearn everything.  Took me just a couple minutes really.  Now I’ve got the hang of it again and I just have to perfect my technique.

Day Seven: Monday, 13 May, 2013

I went to the barn with my sister and we started work.  The owner walked with us through the first two hours and then left us to fill hay bags.  At the end of three hours, she paid us and we went home to warm showers – because, of course, the cold front came through just in time for us to start our job.  The rest of the day was rather slow since I was a little tired and cold.

I had to bring the tomato plant in because it was so cold, and that night, my dad helped me put tarps down over my vegetables to keep them safe from frost.

Day Eight: Tuesday, 14 May, 2013

I got up and went to work like the day before.  We were a few minutes late but that didn’t matter.  We fetched the Ranger and trailer, and we went through our paces.  She joined us at the end of the first two hours and had us shovel another paddock while she raked up the leaves.  This was another cold day but the wind wasn’t as cool.  Once home, I ate and played Badminton and Frisbee a bit before I showered.

My vegetables survived the night but the tomato stayed inside for the time being, and the tarp was off for only about half an hour.  My mother and I went to the nursery but someone had left the door open to the greenhouse and they lost most of their peas and beans crop.  We bought potting soil and a trellis and some seeds.

Day Nine: Wednesday, 15 May, 2013

Worked again.

This day got quite away from me.  I worked in my vegetable garden, but I feel like not very much was completed.  I dug moats around my vegetable plants to minimize runoff when I watered.  The tarps came off and the tomato went back.

Day Ten: Thursday, 16 May, 2013

Worked.

My dad stayed home today so that he could go to my sister’s horse-back-riding lesson.  I worked in and around the vegetable garden most of the afternoon (got the trellises figured out and transplanted a wild rose that is sulking and probably will not come back to life) and then doused myself in a shower.  My mom, dad, and sister had left; my other sister and my brother had no interest in leaving the house.  I braided my wet hair (because it was already after 4 o’clock in the afternoon) and drove about 40 minutes to Target.  I bought mascara and nail polish, and also a new pair of flip-flops (my old pair was getting really flimsy).

I don’t normally bother with nail polish because I’m bad at applying it, it seems like it would take up an unnecessary load of time, and I’d hate to have to keep reapplying it.  But my best friend painted my nails for the formal and….  Well, I don’t have the prettiest fingers.  They get beat up working in the dirt and washing dishes… and so on.  Then I tend to pick at the skin or whatever and they just never really look… very nice.  But the nail polish hides that somehow (to an extent).  Now that it’s summer, I’ll be working bare-handed in the dirt all the time, and it’s nail polish season anyway.  So nail polish it is!  And it lasts a pretty good time anyway, and I’ve learned it doesn’t have to be perfect!

Day Eleven: Friday, 17 May, 2013

Worked again.  The owner must have left to go riding (without mentioning it to us) because her husband came up to pay us (in a rather flustered and confused manner) and she was nowhere to be seen when we quit for the day.  Her dogs were wandering around aimlessly so we assumed she wasn’t on the property.

I worked in the garden again.  But this time, the focus was on the flower garden.  Raking things out always takes more time than you would think.  Didn’t really get a whole lot of that done, but one side of the front flowerbeds looks quite nice and one of the side gardens is starting to come together.  I also pulled jerked the border rocks out of place, pulled the weeds growing there, prettied up the dirt piling up, and rolled the rocks back into place.  My little sister was really helpful – I learned that if you give her a specific task, she can do anything; but you can’t just yell at her to “help” or she’ll be lost to you.

Then I took a good shower and chatted with a friend on Facebook (miss you, my friend!) until some friends of ours came over.  The younger two were very happy to see me and clung to me for the most part all evening.  We had beef lasagna with homemade bread, and then chocolate cake.  Then we went outside for a campfire in the improved fire pit that my mom built where the filter for the pool used to be.  My god brother – three now – was adorable.  I wish I had a transcript of everything he said that evening.  It was getting late (after ten) and we were sitting on a blanket on the sand in front of the fire.  He was sitting in my lap, and then he ended up curled up between my legs with his head on my thigh.  And in two seconds, he was out like a light.

It was just me and him.  The nightlife was chirping half-heartedly and the stars were out.  The coals were breathing and a hot flame waved up in the center of the charred logs.  I was shivering a little but he was warm and he was breathing deeply, his long eyelashes pressed against his soft cheek.  Just the two of us, on the cold sand.

~Meggy

So our parents WERE being cruel...

...and now we can prove it.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/faithonthecouch/2013/04/parenting-and-the-theology-of-the-body-can-babies-self-soothe/

Parenting and the Theology of the Body– Can Babies “Self-Soothe”?

April 3, 2013 By Dr. Greg

The Theology of the Body teaches us that the body has an innate self-donative meaning.  That is;  we are, literally, wired for love and connection, and that God’s plan for relationships can be discerned by prayerfully contemplating the bodies God gave us.  Science is actually backing this claim up, and is giving us some important insights into what–given this mindset–is God’s intention not only for adult pair bonding (i.e., marriage and sex) but parent-child  bonding as well.  This line of thought has significant ramifications for important parenting questions like, “How do we get our babies to sleep!”

It is conventional wisdom that infant “sleep training” teaches babies to “self-soothe.”  These are comforting ideas to tired moms and dads who are eager to be great parents and get a decent night’s sleep but what does it mean for a baby to “self-soothe” and is it even possible for infants to exhibit this skill

Proponents of self-soothing point to the fact that after several days of sleep training–which involves parents incrementally delaying their response to an infant’s night-time crying–the baby decreases the time crying and, eventually stops and goes back to sleep.  This is what happens, and it has been assumed that the baby is able to return to sleep because of “self-soothing.”  The problem is, until fairly recently, researcher never had a way to test the “self-soothing” hypothesis and that’s an important problem.

While, again, its a nice idea that would be lovely if true, infant self-soothing makes no sense from a developmental psych perspective.  For anyone–you, me, any human being–to self-soothe, two skills are required; self-talk and intentional, conscious redirection.  When you are upset, to get yourself back under control, you need to be able to 1) Talk yourself down (“Calm down, Greg.  You can handle this.  It’s going to be OK.”)  and 2) You need to be able to intentionally direct yourself to engage in some self-soothing activity (e.g, make a plan to solve the problem, do something that reduces your stress, etc).  The problem is that babies don’t have either of these skills.  Children don’t develop any self-talk capacity until at least 4yo (usually later) and although babies do have some soothing rituals like thumb-sucking, it is not known how effective these strategies are.   New research is showing that the answer is, “not very.”

Learned Helplessness and Physiological Stress

It turns out that after several days of sleep training the baby’s behavior and biology become un-hooked.  The sleep-trained child does stop crying, but research shows that the child’s stress homone level remain as high as when he was crying.  If the baby was actually self-soothing, the cortisol levels would decrease as the crying behavior decreased.  But that isn’t what happens. Instead, the sleep-trained infant’s cortisol level remains high, but the help-seeking behavior stops.  There is a disconnect between what the baby feels and how the baby acts.   In animals, we call this disconnect between the physiological stress response (i.e., high cortisol levels) and behavior, “learned helplessness.”

Learned helplessness is a well-established psychological fact. The classic learned helplessness experiments were done years ago and over 3000 studies later, learned helplessness is a foundational concept in the study of depression and anxiety disorders.  In the first experiments in learned helplessness, a dog was placed in a box that had a metal plate at the bottom.  A lid was placed on top of the box and a mildly painful electical shock went through the metal plate.  The dog would try to jump out of the box, but be thwarted by the lid.  After several repetitions the dog stopped trying to escape the shock. He just lay there helplessly.  This continued even after the lid was removed.  The shock would be delivered but even though the dog could escape, he learned not to try to help himself–he, literally, learned to be helpless.  Superficially, you could theoreically claim that the dog learned some mysterious way to “self-soothe” and ignore the shock, but you would be wrong.  Physiologically, the dog’s cortisol levels were elevated with the shock, but the help-seeking behavior stopped.  This is the exact same dynamic seen in sleep-trained infants and that should alarm us.

Learned helplessness actually damages the human and animal brain’s ability to process stress and is an established risk factor for depression and anxiety disorders in later childhood and adulthood.

If we take the Theology of the Body’s claims seriously,  that God’s intention for relationships is written into God’s design of our body, we need to listen to research that shows that sleep-training is antithetical to the donative meaning of the body.  Genesis tells us that “it is not good for man to be alone.”  Science confirms that this is true.  Especially for infants.

I half-jokingly add, "This explains a lot of my problems...."

~Meggy

Dating – a (not so) new perspective

What I'm about to say may cause ripple affects within my small community of bloggers.  I hope and pray that the ripples will be favorable when my name is seen in there, but whether it is favorable or not, I feel I have to put this out there.  I know my readers and fellow bloggers that make up my small online community all are looking for satisfaction in the romance department.  I've written posts about it; I've read posts about it; I've read books and articles and heard talks on it.  But I have to say this about everything I thought about relationships – all the answers I got from those sources, although I believed them, left me very unsatisfied and anxious.  What I'm about to say is a little radical.

This is all based off a homily by one of the TORs here on campus, so if you don't like what I have to say, may I just refer you to him?  On the other hand, I'm not just repeating what he said – I believe every word he said with a passionate, grateful relief.

He is a spiritual director to many and, of course, he hears confessions.  He has given more advice on dating and marriage than he probably should have to – some people here are just so stupid.  No offense, because I know I am too.

Let's start with what he said on marriage because I'm pretty sure we can all agree on that and it's wise to start on common ground.

Marriage is for the emotionally and mentally ready, not for those who just fell in love.  Men, are you ready to take care of your wife and child? give up your free lifestyle? get a job and support them at the cost of all else?  Women, have you seen a counselor about your past? whether it was filled with abuse or one night stands or premarital sex of any kind, you need to get it worked out before you get into a serious relationship.  Are you ready to possibly give up your dreams in order to be a homemaker? to raise screaming children? to support your husband as he works hard to support you? to be the heart of your home?  If not, men and women, you cannot get married and assume that it will come in time.

Here's an example of a scenario you may want to consider: Man Roberts meets cute little Woman who goes on compulsive shopping sprees.  The two get married and are living happily.  Then Roberts goes over seas for a tour of duty, putting his life on the line for two years, and leaving his lonely wife at home.  Finally, after two years of serving our country and putting his life on the line, Roberts returns home to find that Mrs. Roberts has spent his entire life savings away.  ...What happens?  It's in times like these that temptations arise – not when everything is going perfectly.  So you have to think of these things.

But how do you find your soulmate?

I've heard this message a lot: "I kissed dating goodbye!"  I think there's even a book titled that.  ...As you probably guessed (especially if you know my writing style), I'm about to debunk that.

But probably not in a way you expect.

The problem with modern day dating is that if a guy asks a girl out on one date, the girl starts looking at wedding dresses (and nowhere is this a bigger problem than on the campus of Franciscan University).  Guys can't even ask girls out for fear of the suggestion being taken as a proposal!  Something my friend has been telling me but that never really got through to me is that you can date just to get to know the other person and figure out if you like them and if you're compatible.  I would like to suggest (and as I do, I'm prepared to duck) that this is a very important concept.

Just about everyone in my corner of the blogosphere swoons over old-fashioned rules of courting.  In fact, just the other day, I read a post about a post on another blog about the courting rules around the time of fiery Anne Shirley.  I found it interesting (although I can't say that I was swooning, as you'll see if you read my comments: Rules of Courting in the 1900s on The Golden Road w/ link to original article).

Therefore, I'm going to try to manipulate you by relying on the romance of calling something "old fashioned" and examine a concept from the 1900s, but a few decades later.  Try about the time of the 40s and 50s.  Maybe the 60s.  They had this concept called "going steady."  Before "going steady," a guy could ask a girl out on a date, ask another girl out on a date, ask a third girl out on a date, ask the second girl out on another date, ask a fourth girl out on a date....  Then, slowly, a guy and girl could become slightly more attached, and at that point, they could "go steady."

The key here is that you meet a lot of different people, and you learn more about people and you learn more about yourself.  You learn about what you're compatible with and what you're not compatible with.  You learn what you're looking for in a spouse and you learn who makes a really good friend – and you learn who doesn't.  But it's important that you don't put your whole heart and soul into that first date.  You're light and free.

Why is this a good idea?  Because (and I'm going to look at it from a girl's perspective here because I am one and so is most of my audience) if you focus all your efforts on just one man and he never asks you out or you go out for a while only to realize you're not made for each other, you've wasted days, weeks, maybe months or even years getting to know only one person and also ruling out everyone else in the name of "faithfulness."

After you go steady for a while (during which each only dates the other), the couple can mutually decide that they're in a serious relationship.  Then after a while, they can mutually agree that this could be heading for marriage.  And eventually, engagement can be a mutual thought.

I know everyone is going to be up in arms because they want their engagement to be a surprise.  But just how surprised do you want to be?  Agreeing that you're ready for it as a couple is not an engagement, it's just a go ahead for the man and a status update for the woman (and I'm not talking about Facebook).

Let me give you an example so that this makes a little more sense and you can better understand why this is genius:

I recently met a very nice guy who has shown a marked interest in me pretty much from the beginning.  Although I like him very much, I'm not particularly attracted to him.  But I'm not going to write him off because how on earth do I know what God has planned?  And just because I have an interest in someone else doesn't mean that it's going to work out.  It would be incredibly dumb to push "Mike" away just because I don't feel anything for him, only to realize after ages of going after someone unreachable how much I actually love "Mike."  And then what could I do after ditching him?

So modern idea of dating?  I still think we should throw it in the trash.  Incredibly-ancient-idea of dating?  I think we should put those knights in shining armor into a novel and snap it shut.  There is a man in shining armor out there, but not just anyone that comes to your door is going to be him.  And maybe you've been overlooking him because you're focusing all your efforts on one person before you even know if that person remembers your name.

And that's basically what the homily was about.  These days, when we should not even be at the "going steady" stage, emotionally we're trying to be at the "serious relationship" stage.

So the Franciscan fantasy (from the girl's perspective) is to find the perfect man, get married right out of college (at the latest), and have nine kids and dress them all in Catholic school uniforms (in the words of Father).  But in our attempt to simplify marriage, we've oversimplified it into a very complicated way of male-female relations.  After all, I'm not exaggerating when I say that people here really do assume marriage is on its way when they see you talking to someone of the opposite sex.  I've done it myself (although I flatter myself, I didn't take it that far).

So there's nothing wrong with being a one-guy girl (or a one-girl guy).  I'm one of those.  But maybe the girls/guys that don't commit right away have something on us.  (Story of my life, right?)  Besides, my friend and I were observing the other day that people become more universally desirable when someone shows an interest in them – not really sure why that is but 'tis true!

Guys and girls should be able to hang out and get to know each other without making a commitment to each other.  So maybe those books on ditching dating are completely and utterly true when taken into context with modern dating.  But that puts way too much pressure on me to reject flirts until I'm sure that I could possibly be interested in them.  Not that that's been much of a problem but you know.

Long story short – really long story short – guy and girl need to be on the same page.  And they need to read those pages slowly.

(I highlighted the sections that are directly from the homily.  The rest are the details that he used and I filled them in best I could, or that I added based on my audience and personal experience.)

~Meggy

EDIT: Read THIS

Continuing with the annoying string of music in honor of Valentines Day:

Enjoy

New Year's Resolution: Be a Better Person

So I've got a bit of a problem and I don't know what it is.  When I was at school, I was fine and dandy. Now I'm home and I'm crumbling.  All my faults, all the traits that used to drive me crazy, all the things I thought I had moved beyond are back – and I'm not sure why.

Is it because I've got too much time to myself, to sit and think, doing nothing?  I don't think so.  After all, it's not like I was a social butterfly or a busy bee.  Although I have less responsibility right now, I don't think that is why.

Is it because I'm with peers less often?  Quite possibly.  With no one at home that relates to me or takes time to get to know me or goes out of their way to see me, it's a very different world here at home than it is at school.  And when I'm with peers, I am so busy being their friend that I don't have time to think about my issues.

Is it because I've returned back to the place where all my troubles lie?  I admit, this seems likely.  The emotional and psychological scarring that happened over the past two years (due to the fact that I'm a self-proclaimed martyr) is still with me.  I don't think I've truly forgiven those people who made my life miserable – although, actually, I have only myself to blame.

Ah, but see!  I take everything upon myself.  Every problem is my fault – is because of some defect of mine, some lack of virtue.  (How often I've begun to wish that I could tell people, "When you ask me if something's wrong, if I say, 'No, nothing,' but you're pretty sure there is, there is.  And I'm not trying to block you out, it's just that I'm denying – even to myself – that there's a problem.")  Now, this is true – when I struggle against something, it is because I am not yet equal to it – I do not have what is needed to cut it down swiftly and painfully.  But that does not mean that everything is my fault – it only means that I have to keep trying.  My New Year's resolution is to start admitting when things are wrong; and then, when I do, not to brush it off so that others "don't worry about it."  LET THEM WORRY ABOUT IT!!!  They're my friends and family!  They should be worrying about me a bit.  And now I have people who won't treat me like a poor little kid who can't possibly do it without constant encouragement but will be genuinely concerned about what I'm trying to do.  And who knows?  It's been quite a while since I've given anyone a chance to be worried about me.

And I've begun to suspect that I'm shutting myself off to my family and family friends.  Because I've now got people who care and who are easier to get along with, I've stopped trying with the people at home.  But then, it's like being a "superior being" surrounded by pigmy people and denying that they have as much dignity and trouble as yourself.  And it just might be driving me crazy trying to be among them and deal with them while remaining aloof and indifferent – and anyway, they deserve more than that.

But there I go again – taking all the blame on myself.  THEY ARE AT FAULT!  – But that's okay, because we have all made mistakes.  It's time to accept that – not ignore it – and move on.

~Meggy

P.S.  Interesting, isn't it?  "Social Butterfly" refers to the way a social person is flitting about.  Butterflies aren't necessarily social – "butterfly" refers to the way a person is flying from one person to teh next.  "Busy Bee" refers to the dedicated way a bee works and likening it to the way a person is working.  Or so I've understood them.  Interesting how comparative phrases work, isn't it?