Dating – A Semi-Informed Perspective

[Please click HERE to skim over a post I wrote based on a homily I heard on dating.]

Since writing the previous post on dating, I've had a lot of time to think and experience different and new kinds of relationships.  And because I'm a trustworthy Listener, I have heard even more about relationships than I ever care to face myself.  Although I agree that in our world today, society takes dating too seriously, we need to take that into account when we consider where we think our relationships should go.  Not everyone views dating the same way.  I know one guy who is not going to date this semester because he doesn't want that responsibility just now; but when he decides to date, he will ask a girl out on eight increasingly expensive dates and then ask her to be his girlfriend on the last one.  I respect this method very much – but what about the girl?

You see, when two people come together, both have to be taken into account.  I would not have thought of the dating process in that way until he explained it to me; but that was the way he intends to approach dating.  Knowing him, he probably will not easily change his mind if the girl he crushes on has a different idea.  So should he stick to his guns or should he be willing to bend a little bit when a girl comes along?

It would be easy for me to say that I'm not going to date anyone with whom I'm not already good friends.  In fact, I've said before that any guy worth dating is worth having as a friend for life.  But not everyone looks at getting to know the opposite sex that way.  Some consider dating as the way that you get to know whether a guy is worth knowing.  My perspective on relationships does not work that way, however, since I tend to cling with a passionate concern to people I know.  If I've spent time on you, you will always have a bit of my heart in your pocket.  So if a certain way of dating prevents me from being on good terms with you afterward, I don't like it.  "I'm a person; you're a person; let's treat each other with respect."

(I guess I operate on the Catholic principle of ultimate unity in God.  We are all one.  How can there be dissension between us?  I'll, please God, be with them in Heaven someday.)

So while I've often meditated on relationships, and while many have written books, and while Christianity has set many guidelines and rules to live our romances by – I think these are all inherently flawed.  Relationships are between two people; and although there are certain things that are just wrong and should be avoided in relationships, each relationship is different, because each person is different.  From listening to many stories of how couples got together, it would seem that there is no one way to find the perfect someone.  Sometimes it's a guy who just knows at first sight and wants to take you out, and sometimes it's your best friend.  Long distance and online relationships work, too, I've heard.  But the point is, it will work out between the two of you – it'll be right on both ends.

I'm not talking about what "feels right."  I'm talking about what is right to create a solid relationship between two people.  So I think you can read as many authorities on relationships as you want, but I think the search for your spouse – assuming you are in that search – is just like the creation of any other relationship.  It requires time, patience, openness, true love for the other person, and a willingness and ability to do what is best for the both of you.

Emotional chastity comes into play here, as you experiment with where you can be with different people.  Again, I don't think there is any one spot that you should be with all members of the opposite sex.  The more I live, the more I'm convinced that how emotionally involved you are with a person depends on that person.  Some guys are amazing friends – girls, don't let your emotions get all tied up in a guy just because he understands you.  (And ladies, do not neglect your girlfriends whatever you do. The truth is, no matter how much guys and girls were made to complete one another, guys just don't get it.)  As for the gentlemen, well, I can't speak for you so....

But seriously, the more you leave to mystery, the more the other person will have to invest back in you.  On the other end, it is possible to be too mysterious and standoffish.  It takes a balance.  But if we depend on God and make our priority the health and happiness of the other person, I am sure we will succeed in life.

Pray for God's love for man to become yours – keeping in mind what that Love did for us.

~Meggy

Christ knows your every imperfection – and He would die all over again just for you

Click HERE for a post on Lent that I wrote last year

Remember a time when you were feeling desolate and lost.  For myself, I don't have to think back very far.  There have been many times when I've felt like I was unwillingly deaf to God's word in my life, when I was desperately waiting to get a hint from God and have peace in my soul.  I know I'm not the only one who has felt that way.  So think about a time when you were lost – struggling and confused.

Now read what I wrote last year on Easter:

Don't take the Resurrection for granted.  People do not rise from the dead, okay?  Particularly people who are scourged beyond reason, exhausted, abused, abandoned, nailed to a cross, and stabbed in the side.  Jesus Christ the Nazarene, Messiah, Son of God, Son of Man - He was put to death by an expert, top-notch Roman system, with no chance for survival whatsoever.

But then, neither did He plan to survive.

Sunday morning, reports come in that the most dead man in the world is back - walking, talking, even eating.  This does not just happen, my friends.  Here are Christ's disciples, His closest friends, regretting everything, questioning everything, feeling lost and hopeless.  Why did it all happen?  What comes next?  The Man has been killed and is gone.  What else is there?  Then Christ appears to them - what are they supposed to think?  Now they're wondering: Why is He back?  What are we supposed to do now?  What does all this mean?

The Resurrection of the most powerful Person ever to walk the earth is a joyous event, make no mistake.  But it is so much more.  It is confusing, it is baffling, it is unbelievable.  Could we really have been any better than poor, legendary Doubting Thomas?

Christ is not a teddy bear.  He is not a kid's show on TV, all cute and touching.  He is mega-powerful.  One of my favorite phrases to describe Him is: "He is not a tame lion."  Jesus does what we expect Him to do only because we grew up with it - it is practically in our DNA.  But it would be completely different if we were the first witnesses.  If we really think about it, I bet we'd be surprised to find Jesus doing what He does.  He is absolutely unpredictable.

Have a blessed Triduum, and may God bless you with every good thing this Easter Sunday,

~Meggy

A Little Relief

I went to Confession finally and I feel so much better having just admitted all my struggles.  It's wonderful when someone kind and gentle and unfamiliar with your particular situation is able to tell you what you've been doing to yourself.  My confessor reflected that I've been overworking my head, heart, and soul.  I'm taking too much upon myself – letting my struggles get between me and God, even though I do have a strong relationship with God.

If you could please continue to pray for me, however, because I'm at a crossroads with a lot of decisions to make.  I feel like I've never been this naked on my blog before, but I'm appreciating the support I'm getting.  Thank you so much – I never would have anticipated this kind of response.

I'm going to try to approach everything with prayer first – pray, handle, praise, pray, handle, praise, pray.  Make God my first thought, so that He's infused into everything.  I hope that'll smooth out a lot of the problems I've been having.

~Meggy

The Holy Fool: Modesty, Once and for All

The Holy Fool: Modesty, Once and for All: Part 1: In which we establish what modesty actually is (and what it isn't)


Click on the link above for a great taste of true Catholic modesty.

~Meggy

I can't feel you anymore – you have gone so far away....

What to write when you have nothing much on your mind?

I miss him.

And I miss him.

And it's odd to feel that I've come home to my dorm room.

I wish I had been wiser growing up.  I wish I hadn't wasted so many years in misery.  I wish I could think of a period of my life that I'm proud of.

I wish Lent wasn't almost over.  I was not as successful as I ought to have been.  But there's still time left for progress – all is not yet lost.

I keep zoning out today.  Not "in the zone."  Way out of it.  It's awkward.  I'm having trouble keeping regular conversation.

I've learned that – guess what? – I'm not shy.  Well, I am.  I'm shy about my looks.  I'm shy around people that, for whatever reason, intimidate me.  But I'm not afraid to talk to people.  I love talking to people – need to talk to people.

I'm so incredibly stupid.  God is so good.

Society looks at the evil in the world; I look at the evil inside.  Society wonders why a good God would let bad things happen; I wonder why He doesn't let them happen more often.

–– Why does God love me?  What have I ever done?  Nothing.  He loves me because He created me; He created me because He loves me.  He loved me first, second, and lastly.  The sin did not come before the love.  The Love is eternal - the sin is not.

Sin is an emptiness.  Sin is a nothingness.  Sin is empty.  Sin is nothing.  Sin is a lack of something – sin is a lack of God.  May there not always be a lack of God in my heart.

And with that, I've gotten very philosophical.  I must be more tired than I think.

I have homework I ought to be working on.

I'm working on a habit of complimenting myself whenever I start to put myself down.  So – I'm stupid? Well, yes, but God made you with an incredibly beautiful soul.  Look around!  You are surrounded by people who love you.  You are surrounded by people who want you.  Don't close in on yourself, silly goose!  God loves you still, even just now, and it's His Love that will improve you.

It's a good day today for blankets, soothing music, and homework.  ("Homework?" "Yes, homework.  It's very satisfying when it's done.")

I could really use a hug and some chill time.  :(  Why are my best huggers so far away (physically and metaphorically)?

Download this free music and listen to the words... so good.

http://noisetrade.com/joshgarrels/love-war-the-sea-in-between

~Meggy

Prayers During This Time of Prayer... Please.

Hello, everybody.  I don't know how many people read my blog on a regular basis, but if you read this, would you pretty please pray extra hard for me for a few minutes?  I've only been back at school for a few hours but I can tell the struggle is not gone just because I left for a week.  I'm back, and it's back.  I'm hurting bad.  And I need your prayers to get through this with wisdom and dignity.  I will have to take action, but not every solution is clear.  I would appreciate anything you can send my way.

With more gratitude than I can express,

Yours sincerely,

~Meggy

Growing, Growing, Growing, Gone

HABEMUS PAPEM!  HABEMUS PAPEM!  HABEMUS PAPEM!

I was not expecting it to happen so soon!  I was shopping and suddenly I got a text from Pope Alarm that we had a new pope!  How wonderful!  I hope that, whether you're Catholic or not, you will pray for his holiness and let it rest; whatever dirt that can be found on him is irrelevant – he's the infallible father of Christ's Church – he does not need to be perfect.  Christ will work through him.  The holier he is, the greater the work that can be done – but he doesn't have to have a saintly past in order to lead and guide God's holy Church.

I almost didn't post anything about the Pope – it's pretty much all been said already and I didn't want to sound like a broken record.  But I felt that it was almost my duty to celebrate.

Anyway, I think that my writing on my blog has changed a great deal since I started it, what, almost two years ago now?  Has it really only been that long?  Anyway, if you go back and read those early posts, you may notice quite a difference content and even style.  My audience hasn't changed – namely other people my age with my interests – but perhaps my age range has.  You see, two years ago, I was sixteen.  Eighteen is a whole lot different than sixteen – at least it has been for me on many levels.

For a while, I thought, "This is just a phase," or, "I should try to write some fun posts like I used to," but you see, I just can't.  I'm not who I once was.

Sometimes, I might write an entry or two that is complete nonsense and silliness – but such things are beyond my everyday capacity now.

I enjoy the way I write now.  It tends to be prettier.  It tends to be more deliberate and calculated.  It tends to drive home what I want to say with an economy of words and precise imagery that surprises even myself.  Sometimes, after reading over what I've written, I better understand what I am trying to say because I've taken the time to explain it with metaphor and analogy and personification – relating my topic to things that are, for the most part, universally understood.

In the past, I've mourned over someone changing in a way that I no longer enjoy what they do.  It happens all the time – I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  But it's not necessarily because they run out of ideas and have been grasping at straws, or because they are not really interested in what they do anymore, or because they've gotten old.  Perhaps the last reason is the closest to the truth, though.  They have matured and they think and act differently – we hope.

So you see, I can no longer write like a child because I am not a child.  Well, yes I am, so it'll come out now and then.  But don't you see?  I'm in college now.  I'm eighteen now.  I have to make my own decisions and get myself through the day.  I don't know why this makes such a difference, but it does.

So my writing will be different.  A lot of the blogs I read are still where I was at two years ago – and I'm not saying y'all are immature.  I still enjoy reading those blogs and reading the child-like interest in little things that I have such a hard time writing about.  And some of these people may be in college, may be older than me!  Maturity doesn't necessitate the loss of these qualities – but it seems to have with me.

I'm not dull – I just can't write like that anymore.

If you haven't noticed a difference over the past few months or so, then good!  That means I'm over thinking this.  As usual.

But it made for a good post, didn't it!

~Meggy

All You Need is Love

Hello, world.  I've been so busy and stressed out lately that I've fallen behind in my blog reading.  I'm getting caught up this week, as I'm on break, but it's going to be a while most likely.

I was glad to be home.  I missed my team – my brother and sisters – and I was glad to see my dad.  When I saw my mom, I was glad and a little surprised by her complacent and pleasurable nature.  I was glad to be home.

Flying is so wonderful – and I love flying at night over the cities.  Boston is absolutely amazing at night.  It's like looking at black holes in a star-ridden sky.  When the light hits the water just right, you can see the amazing power contained in the ripples as the wings of the plane nearly dip into them.

But my mother smothers me.  I never felt free to be me and express myself.  She tries to protect me and make sure I don't go wild, but I am wild.  I have to get crazy once in a while.  I have to get obnoxious once in a while and do things that she doesn't entirely approve of.  I'm not talking about sinning – I'm just talking about not being entirely respectable and reserved.  I appreciate her concern and her attempts to keep me pure – so far it has worked fairly well.  But there are things you can do even on your own in a hole in the ground under a rock with no modern resources – whether you realize what you're doing or not.  And if you don't realize what you're doing, the willful sin is not there, but you can get into such a mess.  So my mother may be very protective and careful, but it has left me ignorant in so many ways.

She is my mother so I love her.  But she is so suppressive.  I just want to go back to school where my friends are so I can figure myself out.  I can't do that here anymore – in fact, I never could.  I am shoved so roughly into a mould that I could never figure out just who I am.  In fact, I struggle with that in some of my relationships.  I always thought that either I would be the depressing bore always looking down and trying not to draw attention to myself or I would be the cute little fairy always anxious to please with a smile on my face and a cheerful attitude.  Neither one is the person I want to be but I thought it was inevitable.  Because I thought that who you were was what other people needed you to be.

I am neither of those people.  I am a fun but melancholic sweetheart with a head for trouble and a heart of gold.  My mouth doesn't run out of battery fast enough sometimes and almost never recharges as fast as I'd like.  My heart is so strong that it can build walls in two seconds flat, and my head is so overstimulated that I can scan a room three times and stare right at who or what I'm looking for and not see it.  My body is so insecure that it leans when it is given attention and collapses in confusion when the affection is erratic or discontinued.  I love to smile and I bring joy to those people around me when I do.  People don't mind and even appreciate my sarcasm and cynicism.  People need me and enjoy, even actively seek out my company.  Even when I feel like I've done something incredibly stupid, most people don't appear to be swayed in the least.

I've realized that there is no such thing as an entirely innocent and perfect person.  We all have something locked inside us that makes us weaker than we'd like.  Everyone has an insecurity; everyone has that one person that they try so desperately to please; and everyone is afraid of losing the people near to them.  I can be and am one of those people that a person is afraid to lose.

It still takes me by surprise when someone says, "It's good to see you," or "I've missed you!" or "Want to eat together?"  Because I've been so starved of this attention, I thought that such happenings were rare – at least for someone as pathetic as me.  I always imagined that it would be really special and dramatic.  It's not.  "It's good to see you," doesn't mean that they desperately need you with a passion that will fill your every emotional vacancy.  But that makes it all the more special.  "Want to eat together?" means that he (or she, it doesn't matter) likes to be around you and enjoys the perk you bring to his day.

Most people have a lot of contacts in their phone's contact list.  When someone sends me a casual text, I'm extremely touched; it means I stand out from the rest of the list (except in some cases, in which I begin to suspect that he's just making the rounds and/or his finger randomly picked me this time).

Maybe my blog isn't the place for this.  But I think you can all identify with this in some way.  Again, this is another long rant – my writing seems to tend toward that these days.  I'm more excitable on the outside lately; but inside and on the page, I am deeper and more philosophical.  I have difficult and pressing questions on my heart.  The serious thoughts that fill my head now are very real and deserve my concern.  Before, they were imagined or I had no decision to make: I was stuck and I wanted passion and excitement in my life.

I miss my friends.  They bring such love to my life.  I love my brother and sisters but they are too young and too tied down by the mentality at home to understand.  My friends know I'm broken and know I want to have fun and know that I'm different and unique – and they are 100% okay with that.  What's more, they are not so busy trying to hide their own hurt that they can't be open with me and for me.

If you don't have this blessed miracle now, I pray that someday you do – and even that you have the heartaches that go with it.  It is so beautiful and so pure and so necessary for the human person.

"The LORD GOD said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a suitable partner for him.'"

~Meggy

P.S. Please pray for me and a friend of mine.  We are not on good terms, but I do not think that all is lost.  However, with all humility and pain, I must admit that he has a lot of maturing to do if our friendship is to ever to solidify.  Pray for our mutual maturity and forgiveness and strength and purity.  Anything you can give us I will forever be indebted to you for.  Seeing him fills me with such regret because I know he is struggling far more than I am.  Pray that God fills me with His divine love for this man He has created and that I love him and do all for him for his sake and not for my own.

My First Heartbreak

To all those who have read between the lines, yes, I have a crush on someone.  To all those who just read the last entry on what I've learned about relationships, it wasn't him.

No, this lesson learned came from a boy that was a mere distraction.  When I thought he actually cared about me, I began to fall in love with him.  When I realized that we were heading down a rough path, I began to rethink what we'd been doing.  I decided that we needed to change some things.  Then this past Sunday happened, and I got back to my dorm and had a good cry.  Then I thought of all the times he had made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and I carved him out of my heart.

Good gracious grief, I wish we could go back to the way it was.  He was a great friend until we got flirty.  It spiraled down so fast it was almost a straight line.  I remembered how he never wanted to go to the dances with me; he turned down doing things with me and my friends but later said he watched a movie with his friends; he texted me four nights in a row and then hardly acknowledged my existence for at least as long, making me wonder if I'd done something wrong.  Then he would flirt with me again.  I began to feel like the "easy girl" – the "I feel like flirting, who can I find?" girl, the "I have friends and other things I feel like doing, who needs her?" girl.

Then Sunday happened and he turned on me again.  And I carved him out of my heart and gave that piece back to him through a vague text (which mainly served to establish boundaries), which then only confirmed my fears that he did not wish to continue a friendship.

I don't know what I did.  No, I do know what I did.  But I hope that he realizes, at some point, that I want to forget the flirting and go back to the days when I sat with him when he was feeling ill and encouraged him as he headed off for his test; when he thought I was amazing; when I felt good being with him; when I felt safe being with him.

But as I bared my soul about him to my friend, thoughts of my old crush were revived.  He's not around presently, but the memories of his chivalry and his thoughtfulness won my heart in his absence.  I am careful not to take these feelings too seriously, but I do like him, and I remember why.  And I am anxious to see him again, if only because he has a beautiful smile.

And that is the man the previous posts hinted at.

~Meggy

Notes in My Journal for Next Time

Some things I've learned from my first "almost relationship" in college:

1. Don't let him get too flirty; don't let yourself get too flirty.  Especially at first, don't let it get physical.  You need to be careful of excessive or special hugs even, and very careful of snuggling.  It will not make you closer.  It will only hurt you.
2. If he's a flirt – just straight out, that's his personality – set boundaries.  If he does something that makes you even mildly uncomfortable, don't let him do it.  Don't trick yourself into thinking: "I'm not used to hugging and stuff.  I just need to chill and become more comfortable with touching."
3. If he is unclear and acting weird, don't assume that you did something wrong.  Don't mess up your head trying to figure out what you need to do to smooth things over.  Unless you fought with him or said something wrong, you don't need to do anything to bring him back around to you.  You don't need to tiptoe to please him.
4. If he makes you feel like a princess and then makes you feel like dirt, let go.  You two are through.  However good a person he may be, he is not that "good guy"for you.  You can still be friendly be with him but you need to stop crushing on him.  It doesn't matter that he helped you through rough times.  There are men out there you really do care and will go out of their way for you.  Find some, but don't spill your emotional guts all over them.
5. You are God's princess and He will send you a man who ALWAYS, not just sometimes, makes you feel like a blessed child of God.

~Meggy