All You Need is Love

Hello, world.  I've been so busy and stressed out lately that I've fallen behind in my blog reading.  I'm getting caught up this week, as I'm on break, but it's going to be a while most likely.

I was glad to be home.  I missed my team – my brother and sisters – and I was glad to see my dad.  When I saw my mom, I was glad and a little surprised by her complacent and pleasurable nature.  I was glad to be home.

Flying is so wonderful – and I love flying at night over the cities.  Boston is absolutely amazing at night.  It's like looking at black holes in a star-ridden sky.  When the light hits the water just right, you can see the amazing power contained in the ripples as the wings of the plane nearly dip into them.

But my mother smothers me.  I never felt free to be me and express myself.  She tries to protect me and make sure I don't go wild, but I am wild.  I have to get crazy once in a while.  I have to get obnoxious once in a while and do things that she doesn't entirely approve of.  I'm not talking about sinning – I'm just talking about not being entirely respectable and reserved.  I appreciate her concern and her attempts to keep me pure – so far it has worked fairly well.  But there are things you can do even on your own in a hole in the ground under a rock with no modern resources – whether you realize what you're doing or not.  And if you don't realize what you're doing, the willful sin is not there, but you can get into such a mess.  So my mother may be very protective and careful, but it has left me ignorant in so many ways.

She is my mother so I love her.  But she is so suppressive.  I just want to go back to school where my friends are so I can figure myself out.  I can't do that here anymore – in fact, I never could.  I am shoved so roughly into a mould that I could never figure out just who I am.  In fact, I struggle with that in some of my relationships.  I always thought that either I would be the depressing bore always looking down and trying not to draw attention to myself or I would be the cute little fairy always anxious to please with a smile on my face and a cheerful attitude.  Neither one is the person I want to be but I thought it was inevitable.  Because I thought that who you were was what other people needed you to be.

I am neither of those people.  I am a fun but melancholic sweetheart with a head for trouble and a heart of gold.  My mouth doesn't run out of battery fast enough sometimes and almost never recharges as fast as I'd like.  My heart is so strong that it can build walls in two seconds flat, and my head is so overstimulated that I can scan a room three times and stare right at who or what I'm looking for and not see it.  My body is so insecure that it leans when it is given attention and collapses in confusion when the affection is erratic or discontinued.  I love to smile and I bring joy to those people around me when I do.  People don't mind and even appreciate my sarcasm and cynicism.  People need me and enjoy, even actively seek out my company.  Even when I feel like I've done something incredibly stupid, most people don't appear to be swayed in the least.

I've realized that there is no such thing as an entirely innocent and perfect person.  We all have something locked inside us that makes us weaker than we'd like.  Everyone has an insecurity; everyone has that one person that they try so desperately to please; and everyone is afraid of losing the people near to them.  I can be and am one of those people that a person is afraid to lose.

It still takes me by surprise when someone says, "It's good to see you," or "I've missed you!" or "Want to eat together?"  Because I've been so starved of this attention, I thought that such happenings were rare – at least for someone as pathetic as me.  I always imagined that it would be really special and dramatic.  It's not.  "It's good to see you," doesn't mean that they desperately need you with a passion that will fill your every emotional vacancy.  But that makes it all the more special.  "Want to eat together?" means that he (or she, it doesn't matter) likes to be around you and enjoys the perk you bring to his day.

Most people have a lot of contacts in their phone's contact list.  When someone sends me a casual text, I'm extremely touched; it means I stand out from the rest of the list (except in some cases, in which I begin to suspect that he's just making the rounds and/or his finger randomly picked me this time).

Maybe my blog isn't the place for this.  But I think you can all identify with this in some way.  Again, this is another long rant – my writing seems to tend toward that these days.  I'm more excitable on the outside lately; but inside and on the page, I am deeper and more philosophical.  I have difficult and pressing questions on my heart.  The serious thoughts that fill my head now are very real and deserve my concern.  Before, they were imagined or I had no decision to make: I was stuck and I wanted passion and excitement in my life.

I miss my friends.  They bring such love to my life.  I love my brother and sisters but they are too young and too tied down by the mentality at home to understand.  My friends know I'm broken and know I want to have fun and know that I'm different and unique – and they are 100% okay with that.  What's more, they are not so busy trying to hide their own hurt that they can't be open with me and for me.

If you don't have this blessed miracle now, I pray that someday you do – and even that you have the heartaches that go with it.  It is so beautiful and so pure and so necessary for the human person.

"The LORD GOD said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a suitable partner for him.'"

~Meggy

P.S. Please pray for me and a friend of mine.  We are not on good terms, but I do not think that all is lost.  However, with all humility and pain, I must admit that he has a lot of maturing to do if our friendship is to ever to solidify.  Pray for our mutual maturity and forgiveness and strength and purity.  Anything you can give us I will forever be indebted to you for.  Seeing him fills me with such regret because I know he is struggling far more than I am.  Pray that God fills me with His divine love for this man He has created and that I love him and do all for him for his sake and not for my own.