Dating – a (not so) new perspective

What I'm about to say may cause ripple affects within my small community of bloggers.  I hope and pray that the ripples will be favorable when my name is seen in there, but whether it is favorable or not, I feel I have to put this out there.  I know my readers and fellow bloggers that make up my small online community all are looking for satisfaction in the romance department.  I've written posts about it; I've read posts about it; I've read books and articles and heard talks on it.  But I have to say this about everything I thought about relationships – all the answers I got from those sources, although I believed them, left me very unsatisfied and anxious.  What I'm about to say is a little radical.

This is all based off a homily by one of the TORs here on campus, so if you don't like what I have to say, may I just refer you to him?  On the other hand, I'm not just repeating what he said – I believe every word he said with a passionate, grateful relief.

He is a spiritual director to many and, of course, he hears confessions.  He has given more advice on dating and marriage than he probably should have to – some people here are just so stupid.  No offense, because I know I am too.

Let's start with what he said on marriage because I'm pretty sure we can all agree on that and it's wise to start on common ground.

Marriage is for the emotionally and mentally ready, not for those who just fell in love.  Men, are you ready to take care of your wife and child? give up your free lifestyle? get a job and support them at the cost of all else?  Women, have you seen a counselor about your past? whether it was filled with abuse or one night stands or premarital sex of any kind, you need to get it worked out before you get into a serious relationship.  Are you ready to possibly give up your dreams in order to be a homemaker? to raise screaming children? to support your husband as he works hard to support you? to be the heart of your home?  If not, men and women, you cannot get married and assume that it will come in time.

Here's an example of a scenario you may want to consider: Man Roberts meets cute little Woman who goes on compulsive shopping sprees.  The two get married and are living happily.  Then Roberts goes over seas for a tour of duty, putting his life on the line for two years, and leaving his lonely wife at home.  Finally, after two years of serving our country and putting his life on the line, Roberts returns home to find that Mrs. Roberts has spent his entire life savings away.  ...What happens?  It's in times like these that temptations arise – not when everything is going perfectly.  So you have to think of these things.

But how do you find your soulmate?

I've heard this message a lot: "I kissed dating goodbye!"  I think there's even a book titled that.  ...As you probably guessed (especially if you know my writing style), I'm about to debunk that.

But probably not in a way you expect.

The problem with modern day dating is that if a guy asks a girl out on one date, the girl starts looking at wedding dresses (and nowhere is this a bigger problem than on the campus of Franciscan University).  Guys can't even ask girls out for fear of the suggestion being taken as a proposal!  Something my friend has been telling me but that never really got through to me is that you can date just to get to know the other person and figure out if you like them and if you're compatible.  I would like to suggest (and as I do, I'm prepared to duck) that this is a very important concept.

Just about everyone in my corner of the blogosphere swoons over old-fashioned rules of courting.  In fact, just the other day, I read a post about a post on another blog about the courting rules around the time of fiery Anne Shirley.  I found it interesting (although I can't say that I was swooning, as you'll see if you read my comments: Rules of Courting in the 1900s on The Golden Road w/ link to original article).

Therefore, I'm going to try to manipulate you by relying on the romance of calling something "old fashioned" and examine a concept from the 1900s, but a few decades later.  Try about the time of the 40s and 50s.  Maybe the 60s.  They had this concept called "going steady."  Before "going steady," a guy could ask a girl out on a date, ask another girl out on a date, ask a third girl out on a date, ask the second girl out on another date, ask a fourth girl out on a date....  Then, slowly, a guy and girl could become slightly more attached, and at that point, they could "go steady."

The key here is that you meet a lot of different people, and you learn more about people and you learn more about yourself.  You learn about what you're compatible with and what you're not compatible with.  You learn what you're looking for in a spouse and you learn who makes a really good friend – and you learn who doesn't.  But it's important that you don't put your whole heart and soul into that first date.  You're light and free.

Why is this a good idea?  Because (and I'm going to look at it from a girl's perspective here because I am one and so is most of my audience) if you focus all your efforts on just one man and he never asks you out or you go out for a while only to realize you're not made for each other, you've wasted days, weeks, maybe months or even years getting to know only one person and also ruling out everyone else in the name of "faithfulness."

After you go steady for a while (during which each only dates the other), the couple can mutually decide that they're in a serious relationship.  Then after a while, they can mutually agree that this could be heading for marriage.  And eventually, engagement can be a mutual thought.

I know everyone is going to be up in arms because they want their engagement to be a surprise.  But just how surprised do you want to be?  Agreeing that you're ready for it as a couple is not an engagement, it's just a go ahead for the man and a status update for the woman (and I'm not talking about Facebook).

Let me give you an example so that this makes a little more sense and you can better understand why this is genius:

I recently met a very nice guy who has shown a marked interest in me pretty much from the beginning.  Although I like him very much, I'm not particularly attracted to him.  But I'm not going to write him off because how on earth do I know what God has planned?  And just because I have an interest in someone else doesn't mean that it's going to work out.  It would be incredibly dumb to push "Mike" away just because I don't feel anything for him, only to realize after ages of going after someone unreachable how much I actually love "Mike."  And then what could I do after ditching him?

So modern idea of dating?  I still think we should throw it in the trash.  Incredibly-ancient-idea of dating?  I think we should put those knights in shining armor into a novel and snap it shut.  There is a man in shining armor out there, but not just anyone that comes to your door is going to be him.  And maybe you've been overlooking him because you're focusing all your efforts on one person before you even know if that person remembers your name.

And that's basically what the homily was about.  These days, when we should not even be at the "going steady" stage, emotionally we're trying to be at the "serious relationship" stage.

So the Franciscan fantasy (from the girl's perspective) is to find the perfect man, get married right out of college (at the latest), and have nine kids and dress them all in Catholic school uniforms (in the words of Father).  But in our attempt to simplify marriage, we've oversimplified it into a very complicated way of male-female relations.  After all, I'm not exaggerating when I say that people here really do assume marriage is on its way when they see you talking to someone of the opposite sex.  I've done it myself (although I flatter myself, I didn't take it that far).

So there's nothing wrong with being a one-guy girl (or a one-girl guy).  I'm one of those.  But maybe the girls/guys that don't commit right away have something on us.  (Story of my life, right?)  Besides, my friend and I were observing the other day that people become more universally desirable when someone shows an interest in them – not really sure why that is but 'tis true!

Guys and girls should be able to hang out and get to know each other without making a commitment to each other.  So maybe those books on ditching dating are completely and utterly true when taken into context with modern dating.  But that puts way too much pressure on me to reject flirts until I'm sure that I could possibly be interested in them.  Not that that's been much of a problem but you know.

Long story short – really long story short – guy and girl need to be on the same page.  And they need to read those pages slowly.

(I highlighted the sections that are directly from the homily.  The rest are the details that he used and I filled them in best I could, or that I added based on my audience and personal experience.)

~Meggy

EDIT: Read THIS

Continuing with the annoying string of music in honor of Valentines Day:

Enjoy