Saturday, September 28, 2013

Busting Franciscan Myths

"I mean, I'm mostly going to college to find a husband."

Don't come to Franciscan.  According to THIS SITE and one other, the boy/girl ratio is between 40/60 and 30/70.  There are a lot of girls.  A lot of girls, especially compared to so few guys!

I know: "I'm hoping to find a good Catholic husband, so where better than at a great Catholic college?"  Yeah, well, good theory, but Catholicism doesn't come with automatic awesomeness.  It'd be nice if it did, wouldn't it?  You may know a person who is Catholic and seemingly devout but has so many character flaws you wish they were atheist so you could "convert" them.  From my view on this campus, Franciscan seems to be the preferred and chosen college for this type of person.

Smoking and drinking are not foreign to this campus.  You have to know the right people in order to get really stoned, but it's not hard to find them – just listen to the right people talking about, well, the wrong people.  Smokers stand outside every building.  …Not constantly, but you'll see a few on a daily basis if you're paying attention.

Smoking is not inherently evil, so far as I can figure (although I hear tell that cigarettes are really, really bad for you).  But it has been my limited experience that most of the guys standing outside in "smoking rings" on a regular basis – cigarettes, cigars, or pipes – are charter members of the group of guys that smart girls are learning not to dream about.

So smoking is directly related to weak character?  Well, no, I can't prove that.  It could be that the majority of the campus male population is of weak character; in which case, it would naturally follow that the campus male smoker population would be largely dominated by this type….  After all, there are plenty of stay-away-from-hims that don't smoke or drink every Friday night.

But that's just a taste of what you'll find on the Franciscan campus.

City on a hill?  Salt of the earth?  Light of the world?  Certainly, all those things.  The Franciscan Friars are so adorable and so powerful and so life changing/challenging.  The witness of a chapel full of young adults singing to God four Masses a Sunday, three a weekday is breathtaking.  Perpetual Adoration, Students for Life, The Harmonium Project, Red Light Ministry… and whatever else we have going on 'round here – sometimes it's hard to keep track of it all.

At the same time, we've got Households that are known more for their off-campus parties than for their spirituality; we have sexual assault investigations and guys banned from certain all-girl's dorms; we've had students kicked out for drug activity; there are Freshman couples hooking up within the first one or two weeks of school and breaking up because one or the other is "struggling with their spirituality;" we're overflowing with flirt action hidden under the pick-up line: "I want to guard your heart."  (See THIS page for campus crime statistics.)

Finding a man on campus?  The majority of the girls in my acquaintance who will be graduated this year are going out into the world without marriage plans, without an engagement ring, without even a boyfriend.  A lot of relationships that happen are not particularly mature or prepared for marriage.  Yes, there is the occasional sophomore marriage – but believe me, it looks more insane than it does romantic.  A lot of people collapse, after a long day here, among their closest friends, and admit, "This place is like high school all over again."

If you want diversity, you won't find it here.  There are only a few black people; most people are moderately chill Catholics split about equally between the charismatics and… not charismatics; a lot of geeks and nerds, as well as geek and nerd wannabes; hardcore partiers and smokers, rebels, and cool people are the severe minority; and then there are the small populations of blatantly "traditional" Catholics and "full-length-skirt-addicts."  Most people more or less dress the same – the jocks and drama queens being pretty much the only exception – and frisbee is the thing.

Babies are cute; friars and other religious are celebrities; discernment into religious life merits a huge celebration; and a day when it isn't raining is everyone's dream.

Oh – and I should mention the huge homosexual community.

In some respects, it's just like any other campus.

But a good girl with all her ideals intact… is more likely to get hurt here.

See, the bad guys here are hidden because everyone goes to Mass, signs up for an Adoration hour, goes to Theology classes, and has some kind of "lightning bolt of providence" story.  And I'm sure these guys are essentially good people – they're just stupid when it comes to relationships.  So they lure you in with tales of their struggles for holiness – and then they just stop talking to you.  Or worse.  (And then the respective Households get involved….  It can be messy.)

Brother-sister relationships abound.  Which I'm happy about – I'm putting together a whole family over here!  But girls actively seeking their knight-in-shining armor get hurt real fast.

So if you're going to college for your MRS degree, you may want to look elsewhere.  I mean, my philosophy is to not look for an MRS degree.  I think they're earned on a basis of merit, not effort.  More like a scholarship.  I like that – a scholarship to life: 'The MRS Scholarship, funded by Heavenly Father.'

But I digress.

Franciscan University has a lot of problems.  And there are days where the only reason I'm still here….  It's Catholic.  And if you are honestly doing your best to follow God and discern His plan for your life, you can find a very supportive and healthy spiritual community here.  For all its flaws, this school is run on the idea that you can leave this place with a stronger relationship with Christ and a solid foundation to fall back on.  So far, I'm finding that part of the school to be excellent (though it obviously isn't perfect).  And I've got a pretty good head on my shoulders and a lot of grace on my side, thank God.

I've slowly been changing my perspective.  I have to assume that I just might not leave this school on the arm of a man.  With that in mind, I think I can get the most out of and give the most to this school.

But yeah, girls shouldn't come here assuming that their degree won't be terribly important when they graduate – it may be the only thing they have to live on when they leave this place.

~Meggy

Friday, September 20, 2013

The Talking Phase


10681746-student-talking-to-female-teen-in-college-class
By JD Gunter

Talking

One of the unique opportunities I have attending seminary, after ten years of marriage, is discipling young men who are single or dating. One of the disadvantages, however, is not being current on the lingo.
This struck me in a recent conversation with a friend who told me he had gone out several times with a young lady and was uncertain about the status of the relationship. Curious, I asked him if he was planning on continuing to date this girl.
“You misunderstand,” he said, “we aren’t dating – we’re just talking.”
“Talking?” I replied, a little confused, “you mean like we’re talking right now.”
“No,” he explained, “we’re at the stage of the relationship just before dating. It’s called talking.”
Dumbfounded and feeling a little old and disconnected, I decided to investigate this new pre-dating phenomenon. “Talking,” I discovered, is a widely accepted stage in current guy/girl relationships wherein a young man and a young woman get to know each other without better defining the relationship. This isn’t even a real stage of the relationship; it’s a pre-stage. They’re not just friends; they’re not really dating or pursuing marriage; they’re “talking.”
After these conversations, I was left with the question: Do we really need another stage in relationships that are directed toward marriage?

Shirking Responsibility

Our culture suffers from a large number of males wallowing around in quasi-manhood for many years. Boys used to grow up, get a job, and move out of the house. But we have inserted this chain of life stages from adolescence, to the college years, to early career, and so on – all of which permit young men to put off growing up, taking responsibility, and generally acting like a man.
This new phase of pre-dating called “talking” is like adolescence for relationships: an unnecessary stage in the relationship allowing young men to avoid taking responsibility and acting like men. It prevents the man from having to be clear about his intentions to pursue or end the relationship. If he wants to stop “talking,” he simply walks away, leaving behind a confused, and potentially wounded, young lady.
John Piper defines biblical masculinity as, “a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, provide for and protect women in ways appropriate to a man’s differing relationships.”[1] It is the responsibility of the man to take a leadership role in relationships, to be forthright, honest, and clear about his intentions. This “talking” phase normalizes relationship without responsibility; closeness without clarity; cultural manhood, not biblical manhood.
The young ladies I’ve spoken to share this frustration. They are left in a state of relational limbo, where they are unsure of the young man’s intentions and the purpose of the relationship. They are stuck going on non-dates with guys who are scared to date.
In their defense, guys tell me they are afraid to ask a lady out because she might immediately assume he wants to marry her. I understand the concern, but that does not change the need for character – it makes it all the more necessary.

Intentionality Is a Way to Serve Sisters in Christ

First, you should ask girls out that you see as potential wives. Second, when you don’t see her as a potential wife any longer, explain yourself and then stop asking her out. Third, throughout the relationship be clear, upfront, and honest about your intentions. If you just want to get to know her better, tell her so. If you see this relationship turning into something more serious, tell her that too. If you think she’s a great girl but don’t want to pursue the relationship further, tell her! That’s the kind of “talking” that should characterize the relationship.
If things don’t work out, and if you’ve acted like a true man, you’ve gotten to know a sister in Christ better and helped prepare her to meet her future husband. If things do work out, congratulations, you’re married. Those are the only two options for a man of God.
If you are a young man intimidated by the prospect of intentionally pursuing a young woman as a wife, seek the Lord in fervent prayer. Search your heart and your intentions to ensure they are grounded in the gospel and informed by Scripture. With your conscience clear before the Lord and your heart and mind shaped by His word, stand confident in the care of your heavenly Father (and hers) and speak boldly to your sister in Christ. Our God is a God of truth, and your sister in Christ deserves to know the truth from you.
If you are a young lady stuck with a guy who isn’t interested in pursuing you but expects your prolonged time and attention as he “talks” to you, ask yourself if this is the type of indecisive boy-man you want to follow for the rest of your life. It is impossible to follow someone who will not lead. Find a man who will treat you as a sister in the Lord deserves to be treated: with honesty, integrity, and clarity.
It’s time to kiss “talking” goodbye. Our brothers and sisters in Christ deserve better than this.

http://cbmw.org/men/manhood/were-just-talking/ 

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Ridiculous Facebook

Hello world. I have something oh so important to share with you. Let's see who reads this to the end. Please copy and paste this onto your own wall. We'll see who my friends are and really reads this. DO NOT SHARE – copy and paste. Because that is a true sign of friendship. You might ignore me every single day but if you copy and paste this then I will know you are my friend. Even if you have been through all my rough moments with me, this will be the sure sign of our friendship. And just to make this more fun, use one word to say how we first met (because I don't remember).

~Meggy

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Tree House


Who would live here?

A wood elf?  An elderly witch?  An enchantress?  A wild child?  A changeling?

Who would live in a gnarly old tree?
___

After a long wait, I see… a girl.  A young woman.  Perhaps a wood nymph.  What is she?  She ducks as she passes under the lintel.  She's a blonde.  Her hair reaches her waist and swishes back and forth with her delicate frame as she pads bare, softly on the exposed roots.

She carries a wooden bucket.  The rope is over her arm, chafing the soft skin in the crook of her arm; but she puts her hand to the bucket, steadying it away from the door post.

The dress loosely shapes to her slender form and folds around her legs, the color matching and blending with the tree.  The hemline brushes the ground but, unevenly cut, revealed her feet as she walked.  She needlessly pinches the skirt with one hand – a graceful, feminine gesture.

She glances around.  It's not in fear or trepidation.  She seems to marvel at her surroundings.  Or maybe she is looking for someone.  With a little jump, she sprints away; off to her right, back behind her tree home –

I've lost sight of her.  Where did she go?

The tree is huge.  Is there more than one level?  Stones have been worked into the tree to create the doorpost.  The door is set into the tree, held in place by two long iron hinges.  No, not iron.  Wood, painted black.  A round knocker is on the door.  There is no visible door latch.  The knocker is wood; it makes a low, heavy thumping when it falls against the door.  No one is home.  …I cannot see her anywhere near.

The door won't push open.

~Meggy

P.S. I checked the source of this photo and the accompanying description is about leprechauns.  Huh, didn't even think of that.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Goes Away

My third week of school is over and one big thing I've learned is that nothing just goes away.  Wounds don't disappear, habits don't die, and trouble never leaves you.


I've a pretty good handle on my anxiety, but this isn't always the case.  There are times when I'm really struggling to be chill.  And there are times when I'm on top of assignments and there are times when I get back to my dorm at night with tons to do.  Sometimes I overreact or act out, and sometimes I'm too quiet.

When I found out that an ex-friend of mine got himself a girlfriend, it messed me up for a few days.  I had a debilitating physiological response when I saw him.  My palms went cold and clammy; I was shaking; I couldn't breathe fast enough to keep up with the rate of my heartbeat.  The anxiety was mind-numbing.

Twice, I saw him and the intense anxiety attack followed.  But the second time, I was prepared for it.  I calmed myself down, he didn't even see me, and the world moved on.

The problem is that I can't figure him out.  Most of the time, he ignores me; and then he'll do something like come up behind me and tickle me behind the ear.  Most of the time, I ignore him because I don't know which version of him woke up that day.  Thing is, there have been times when I know he knows I'm there – our eyes lock, I catch him glancing at me – but he doesn't try to get my attention or say hi or even smile.  Can't get so much as a "SUP."

For a while, I excused him.  I figured, we're awkward, he's conflicted over me, he's got other friends, we're not that close….  But that's a bunch of bushwinkle.

Here's a text conversation I recently had with another guy friend of mine:

Where have you been all day??  I wanted to wish you a happy birthday lol
Dorm lol
Well, then, happy birthday
Lol thanx :)

That was all.  So now I need to explain why this conversation worried me.

At the end of this chat, I had this subtle alarm going off in the back of my mind.  I was being a nuisance, insisting that I ought to have seen him around.  I was clingy, manipulative, domineering.  I was pathetic, screwing up another relationship like this.  He can do whatever he wants, and if he doesn't want to spend his birthday with me, then who am I to demand otherwise?  I'm going to lose him.  Again.  I was going to lose someone that I care about.  Again.

My ex-friend taught me to feel like this.

I won't say that I was having an anxiety attack over this brief conversation with my guy friend, but I felt like I had to back off and leave him alone for a while; let him approach me; let him know that I was indifferent, that I wasn't trying to make him do things for me.

When I saw him the next day, everything was fine and dandy.  He was happy to see me, even apologetic for being so elusive.  He gave me a hug – which are rarer these days because he has a girlfriend now – and I wished him a happy birthday.  And as we went on with our separate daily tasks, he wished me a good one.

And everything was fine.

He can't possibly know how much that stood out to me.  When I saw him in the crowd, coming down the hall, I was prepared for a mere half-smile and he would go on by.  But that is not him, and I should have known that.  He has always baffled me with the way that he insisted on being interested in me, no matter how many long awkward moments we had.  For some reason, I was never good at talking to him.  We've had many long pauses, lots of hangout sessions where we just stare at our computers and say hardly a word.  But he kept asking to hang out with me.  Even now, he is deeply devoted to his girlfriend but he still likes hanging out with me.  He's really nice, and we're not very close – but we're good.

But he made me realize, once again, that what happened with that ex-friend was not my fault.  I was naive, innocent, inexperienced… sure.  But I still am.  And lots of people still like me, get along with me, seek me out, wave at me across the room even if we've only hung out one-on-one a few times – even after my most awkward moments.  The disaster that happened between my ex-friend and me was not my fault, as I had come to believe.  After all, I was struggling with depression and had an anxiety attack when he pushed me away – but he pushed me away.

I've discovered that it's actually easier to say it was my fault than to admit that he was wrong.  Because if it was my fault, then it was not his, and he didn't hurt me.  But if it's his fault, then my heart rips open again and bleeds hard.  So I've been struggling with that with what feels like a week but has only been the past couple of days.  I'm okay, but he really did hurt me; and now every time I see him, I wonder, "Who is he?"

I don't acknowledge him, for the most part.  I've wrestled with that decision but I think it's the best one. I think most would agree, with the exception of a few people that might say that I should encourage him to think I want to be friends.  The problem with the latter philosophy is that I spent the end of last semester thinking like that and it was painful; and furthermore, it didn't work.  He was just as good at "not seeing" me when I said hi as when I didn't.  And this way, even when I look right at him, I am at least being consistent, which is my main complaint against him.  I show him that I don't want to play that game anymore.  He has no control over me; I couldn't (in practice) care less about him.  If he wants me, he has to come get me.  I'm not chasing after him anymore.  It's all on him.

Not acknowledging him also encourages me to let him go and to stop trying to make him like me.  That was my main problem last semester.  I thought that if I went out of my way to say hi, like most friends would, that he would want to be friends.  Friendship would just come naturally if I presumed it.  But he didn't read the script, apparently.  My attempts only left me feeling frustrated, rejected, and obsessed.

Crazy, as he put it.

But I've decided not to try to contact him and talk to him about it.  If we talk about it, a decision has to be reached.  I would have to say, "Either be friendly or leave me alone."  Once that decision is made, he will either stick to it or he won't, but howsoever that may be, it would be sticking a tombstone in our relationship and minimizing the room for growth.  Perhaps he will grow and mature and we could some day be friends; but not if I tell him he needs to leave me alone.  And ultimately, I'd like us to find healing one day.

So I've learned that nothing just goes away.  But that can be a good thing, too.  And the bad reminds me to cherish the good, which is oh so precious to me.

I'm genuinely bewildered by much of the good in my life, so it's awesome and amazing.  It's hard to let it do what it has to do.

~Meggy

P.S.  Did you make it all the way to the end?
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