To all those who have read between the lines, yes, I have a crush on someone. To all those who just read the last entry on what I've learned about relationships, it wasn't him.
No, this lesson learned came from a boy that was a mere distraction. When I thought he actually cared about me, I began to fall in love with him. When I realized that we were heading down a rough path, I began to rethink what we'd been doing. I decided that we needed to change some things. Then this past Sunday happened, and I got back to my dorm and had a good cry. Then I thought of all the times he had made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and I carved him out of my heart.
Good gracious grief, I wish we could go back to the way it was. He was a great friend until we got flirty. It spiraled down so fast it was almost a straight line. I remembered how he never wanted to go to the dances with me; he turned down doing things with me and my friends but later said he watched a movie with his friends; he texted me four nights in a row and then hardly acknowledged my existence for at least as long, making me wonder if I'd done something wrong. Then he would flirt with me again. I began to feel like the "easy girl" – the "I feel like flirting, who can I find?" girl, the "I have friends and other things I feel like doing, who needs her?" girl.
Then Sunday happened and he turned on me again. And I carved him out of my heart and gave that piece back to him through a vague text (which mainly served to establish boundaries), which then only confirmed my fears that he did not wish to continue a friendship.
I don't know what I did. No, I do know what I did. But I hope that he realizes, at some point, that I want to forget the flirting and go back to the days when I sat with him when he was feeling ill and encouraged him as he headed off for his test; when he thought I was amazing; when I felt good being with him; when I felt safe being with him.
But as I bared my soul about him to my friend, thoughts of my old crush were revived. He's not around presently, but the memories of his chivalry and his thoughtfulness won my heart in his absence. I am careful not to take these feelings too seriously, but I do like him, and I remember why. And I am anxious to see him again, if only because he has a beautiful smile.
And that is the man the previous posts hinted at.