Never Forever

Loneliness has been gripping my soul.  With less than a week before my return trip to college, my longing for my friends has increased thirtyfold.  I can't wait to see their faces and hear their voices.  I can't wait to actually do all the things we've promised to do.

My friends may never understand even an inkling of how much they mean to me.  As a life-long loner, it's amazing to have people texting me  – even Skyping me! – over the summer.  Seventh through twelfth grade, I could have been the poster child for the people who say homeschoolers aren't properly socialized.  And in my whole life, I've had maybe five or six friends – in recollection – and only one at a time.  The fact that I have so many different people interested in befriending me at one time is amazing.

If only I could express these feelings.  Those that want to hear it, wouldn't understand their depth.  Those that would take it, would try to sympathize or would be embarrassed and uncomfortable.  Some would not like being so serious long enough to hear.

But perhaps there are other ways to express my feelings.  Perhaps words are not the best way.  I think, maybe, these feelings that want to explode are meant to stay that way.  By chance, maybe the barely bridled gratitude and affection inside me would feel tainted, deflated once let out in minced, jumbled phrases.  More likely, such feelings were meant to build – further constructed with every hug and good word, better fortified with every trial, magnified until unfading, preserved even after long separation in our happy thoughts and cherished memories.  Never to be described.

I fear the day when I have to go away.  These four years will truly be the time of my life.  It could well be that I may find friends after college and find a cute little community for myself in a small town somewhere….  But never will I live in a community so close and available… never will it be so beautiful and open… never will it be a large Catholic community, all talking about anything that comes to mind without reserve or awkwardness….  I will truly miss all these dear characters in my life.  For never have I been so anxious to be with people who scared me so much.

I'm only going into my second year of college; I know I'm a bit premature; but if there's one thing I thrive on, it's deliberating on notions long before their time.

And I truly will miss the people who are helping me get so far.  Without them, I would never have known my fears as I do now – I would never have grown so much.  I would never have embraced such terror with so much anticipation.

It is my fervent prayer that I will find someone among them who will not want to move on without me.  We can go away from there together, and support each other in the separation.   I can let my love for him grow to insurmountable heights, and I never need explain anything; for I'll live my unfading feelings – forever.

~Meggy