New Year's Resolutions

Most years, I don't make a New Year's Resolution.  When I was a kid, my dad didn't make New Year's Resolutions, and I adopted his reason - whatever it was - because I was a kid, and I wasn't really interested in making resolutions unless my teacher told me to write about my New Year's Resolution.  Anyway, the kind of kid I was does nothing with New Year's Resolutions.  First of all, we don't understand what a resolution is supposed to be and had no grasp on personal defects.

This year, however, I'm going to make one.  I now understand them, of course, and I have something I want to change.  In the coming year, I'm going to be outgoing, happier, more secure and comfortable, and more mature.  Already, I'm a very different person.  I haven't been doing my schoolwork, which is halfway normal, but I've been working hard on my dancing, my singing, and my attitude.  I know that I am just a kid still and I don't really fit in with the grown ups, but I try to be sociable with them and be aware of when they don't want me in the conversation.  I'm putting 100% into my dance classes (except when I'm not....) and I'm being extremely aware of when my walls are up:

I've found that I have developed a very special gift almost beyond repair, but it comes in handy.  When I don't want people to talk to me or notice me, I put up my walls and I'm ignored.  It's the next best thing to having invisibility, except that it can tend to be rude or taken as unsociable and stuck-up.  Lately, I've been realizing how often I'm shut up like that.  I'll be standing in a crowd, listening to a conversation, but my mouth is closed, my eyes downcast or refusing to meet others, and I carry a gloomy atmosphere.  Obviously that can be a real serious problem.  And I do it when I'm playing guitar and singing in the folk group, when I'm standing in the pew, when I'm at a party, whenever I'm anywhere, that's my default - to be solitary and gloomy.  I acquired this habit when I was depressed and convinced no one would be interested in anything I had to offer.  Well, I'm not depressed anymore, so why am I still doing it?  No reason I can think of.

So my resolution this year is to become a performer, because I've discovered a passion for it buried in me and it allows me to do something I've always liked to do - entertain people.  There's a difference between dignity and haughtiness.

So whenever I don't want to do something, I analyze my reasons and if it's because of fear, I refuse to give into it.  That's actually easier than it might sound, because ever since I've been a kid, I've had a competitive nature - I will not be a wimpy girl.  XP

That all being said, I'd be interested to hear about your New Year's Resolutions, guys.  Please comment!  I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

Heh heh, now to lunch and stuff in more school work before ballet - such a slacker!  (That should be a resolution too, shouldn't it?)

~Meggy