Journal Entry

Good morning!  I have nothing much to say today but I just felt like posting.

One thing I like about blogs is that I can share things with people who feel the same way.  Obviously, however, I'm not communicating with myself, so I run across people who are too extreme or have nothing to say on the subject and say it anyway.  There's nothing wrong with that actually, but I came across one or two this morning and I wondered to myself why I was wasting my time.  I came to the conclusion that if only for the reason that it teaches me to be tolerant of other personalities and inclinations, it's worth reading.  It also gives me another chance to analyze other points of view against my own, and reevaluate my thoughts.

Around where I live, hiking is an addiction.  Those who don't hike had better make allowances for those who do and so need to.  Those that do just have to be tolerant of those that don't.  If the two categories should go camping together, you can bet the non-hiker is either alone or huffing semi-patiently up every hill in the vicinity.  If he's lucky, he can convince them to also do something else besides observe the elevation of the land, in which case, the hiker ends up saying something like, "Wow, that was actually more interesting than I expected."  And the non-hiker is thinking, "Well, duh!  There's more to life than uphill climbs, you know.  There are the valleys too."  (And suddenly he's soothing himself with that thought that he's rather philosophical.)  And heaven forbid someone should suggest finding an alternate way up a mountain, such as driving.  Suddenly the hiker is wondering if he must sever the relationship.  It can be even worse if the hiker is also a rock climber.

I'm the non-hiker.  I hike hills and small mountains, I like views, I enjoy a good work out, I once very slowly ascended Mt. Adams, and yesterday I carried a four-year-old on my back up a mountain, but I am not a hiker.  I cannot hike just to hike.  Although taking families on hikes slows down the operation and can be very frustrating, I enjoy it immensely more than following my dad as we sprint up a mountain.  I could be there far quicker without a tiring toddler, see the view, and be down again before you can say Thomas Jefferson, but I get absolutely no satisfaction or pleasure out of such an expedition.

On camping trips, much like the one I'm on now, I am not likely to blurt out, "Ooh! let's hike that one!"  I'm more likely to suggest a museum (although I'm sick to death of museums now), a historical site, or an amusement park.  As it is, my one goal this vacation is to visit one of the public gardens.  Not terribly exciting, I know, and many of my companions concur, but I am a gardener and I love wandering through flowers, looking at butterflies and birds.  I also wouldn't mind a long carriage ride down the Carriage Roads, but most people in our party would be extremely bored.  For me, it would be a pleasant opportunity to see the area and a lovely chance to do one of my favorite things - think.

However, we have two small children, who will not be content, and they must be constantly doing something.  And horse carriage rides tend to be expensive.  It would not be practical to indulge in one.  Nevertheless, controlling my temper with those who cannot, I have quite enjoyed myself so far.  Those who have a need to satisfy their addiction to hiking have done so, and while they're doing crazy stunts, I'm spending time with the people I'm most fond of, little hands wrapped around my index finger.

The interesting thing about being me, and this has almost always been the case, is that I am completely stumped when someone asks my opinion.  If someone were to ask my how I feel on a moral or political issue, I can only give the facts.  My Church tells me what is right and wrong so I don't have to worry about that.  But if someone asks me if I had fun or if I'm ready to turn back, I'm completely baffled by the question.  I suppose I had fun - I didn't not have fun.  Yes, I'm tired, but that's not the point.  The kids are tired so it would be illogical to go on.  If they want to go on, I certainly can.  I guess I just don't think that way.  I'm not thinking in terms of my personal enjoyment so much as... or maybe just not the same way.  The view was beautiful, but was it worth it?  Worth what?  Getting lost and a little frustrated?  I'd have nearly forgotten all that if you hadn't brought it up.  Not because I'm thrilled with the result but just because it's in the past and there's nothing I can do about it.  Did I have fun walking across the sandbar?  What does that mean?  That I didn't hate it?  Then, yes, I had fun.  Do you see why the first character I picked in the Supplementing Your Summer series was Mr. Spock from Star Trek?  When I realized that he and I were practically operating on the same frequency, it was like a revelation!  A relief!  Obviously Spock is a fictional character, but it's enough to amuse me.

I rarely get "thrilled" about something.  Over the past year or so, wanting to be more outgoing and friendly, I pushed myself to be those things and I often got more emotional over things than I'm describing above.  But after a little while, I just felt like a fool.  It wasn't me, and I was realizing it wasn't the person I wanted to be.  I was trying to be like everyone else because that was who everyone else understood, but at the end of the day, my logic and reason were still left in the dark.  I've always been inclined to be the "unbreakable" type, and I'm most comfortable that way.

So!  It is confusing and difficult to be the laid-back and carefully controlled person that I am, but I wouldn't change again for anything because it simply is who I am.

(I suppose that when people ask me if I had fun, I should just say "yes", because they are usually just trying to show interest in me and they are not interested about the particulars of my feelings.  They just want to know if I hated it or not.)

I don't know if you found this at all interesting, but I had a fun time writing it.  It will probably be the only self-contemplation I can devote myself to today, and I enjoyed it immensely.  Not with an adrenaline rush of pleasure or excitement, just with a calm self-assurance.  It was pleasant.  Does that make any sense?

~Meggy

 

These clips comes from an episode which is called something

like 'This Side of Paradise'.  In it, the entire crew ends up under

the power of spores which convinces the mind of happiness 

and contentment.  Even Kirk is under it for a time.  But his great

love and devotion to his ship (a strong, powerful emotion) broke

the "spell", so he beams Spock aboard under false pretenses

and makes him very, very mad.  One of my favorite episodes,

I must admit, because Spock (and Leonard Nimoy) is especially

attractive while smiling.  Notice when Spock switches from 

"Jim" to "Captain".  Fascinating.

(I can't get this to play.  If you're having the same problem, click

the YouTube logo.)