Monday, September 12, 2011

Time is Passing Too Fast

I'm seventeen today.

Okay, so I've been seventeen for a few months now, but I looked in the mirror today and realized that I'm seventeen.  Quite suddenly, I look like a teenager.

And there have been other things.

I'm a senior in high school, and I'm getting the feeling it might be the best school year of my life.  I can drive, and I've kind of taken it for granted - it just seemed to happen so naturally.  All my life, I've been trained to live life like "everything's going to turn out okay".  Which it is.  I know it will.  Yet, I sometimes felt like I was missing out on some key experiences.  I wasn't freaking out about my driver's test, and I passed, and that was that.  Then I was a licensed driver.  That was that.  But today, it suddenly felt... cool.

It was the same with my first SAT.  I didn't take a PSAT, but I went in there thinking, "Well, it'll be what it'll be.  No use worrying now."  I drove myself to the school I'd never been to before and found my way around.  I'd never done anything like that before.  I was nervous, and I almost felt betrayed because my parents left me on my own.  But I was surprisingly not scared.  I was a little uncomfortable, and I certainly didn't reach out to anyone, but I felt... grown up.  It felt... almost... normal?

I was beginning to think that this college thing was going to be like that.  That I'd pick a college, that I'd apply to a college, that I'd be a little worried about my application, that I'd be accepted no problem, that I'd go there, move in, sort of get to know my roommate, and my parents would leave, and that'd be that.  No traumatic worrying or anything.  Well, I think it may be safe to say that I've been saving it up.  Lately, I've been wondering where my teen years went.

Next year I'll be an adult.  Next year I'll be an adult.  Next year I'll be an adult!!!

Or as good as.  My word, what do I do?!  This is so weird.  All of a sudden, I've got that "teenage feeling" that I've been waiting for ever since I turned thirteen.

I'm going to miss Sammy's growing up as he makes the last leaps into toddler-hood.  Chrisy is going to be saying more and more whole sentences while I'm gone.  Adriana is going to turn into a teenager herself, and I won't be there to watch.  I'll only be able to pray and wish that I could be there for her.  Briana will turn into a young lady.

As for my own siblings, Amanda might finally grow up too.  I won't be here to keep her from taking herself too seriously.  I won't be here to be a teenage girl with her - now that she's finally starting to understand my whims.  And what about Aaron?  All of a sudden he's a teenage boy.  Or he will be in November.  (Oh, gosh, I feel the tear ducts filling....)  When did he get taller than me???  When he he grow that hair on his upper lip?  His voice is so low these days.  When did that little angel get so flippant?  We've never been super close, but I've always loved that little copper-head.

And what about my baby?  Rachel, I'll always be your best friend if you'll let me.  I worry about you, stuck with us.  You're so bullies, so taken for granted, so treated like a pest.  After a long day of you and Mum struggling through school, there's nothing I love better than giving you a hug.  Never stop talking, sweetie.  I've loved hearing your voice while I'm breaking my back in the heat pulling weeds.  I loved your head on my shoulder while you so rudely poked your nose into what I was doing online.  I loved your sloppiness in our room.  I loved how you loved me, my things, and the things I made for you.  I've never been really cross with you, I've only been harsh to try to get you to do the right thing.  Be strong, baby girl.  You'll win over your brother and sister when I'm not there - if only through necessity.  And when I come home for Aaron's birthday, you'll probably be taller than me!

As for my parents - well, we've fought against each other for a long time.  Hopefully, we'll never have to do that again.  There are things I regret, and things I never want to think of again, but there are also things that I don't ever want to forget.  If all goes well, whatever happens, we'll be happy with what comes out of college.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  There are still nine months before I have to think about this.

This is my 100th entry.  I guess I'm feeling sentimental tonight because I'd like to thank all my readers who check in regularly to read what little ol' me has to say.  There's something amazing about writing.  I absolutely love it.  That's why I'd like to do it for a living if possible.  But a journalist is just not my cup of tea.  I hate reading newspapers.  And that's also why I'd like to know something about computer animation, because I'd then like to take those words and give them a voice.

Even in this strange serenity I seem to be writing in tonight, I can still feel that lost feeling that tells me I'm still confused about life, still torn between reality and what I wish was reality.  Of course, reality has always satisfied me when I've found it again, but it's hard to let yourself back down into reality, especially when you can't define it.

One last word:
Zach-  Thanks for all you did for me.  You were incredible.  I still don't know what it was, but whatever it was we had was beyond words (which I think is why we stumbled over them so often).  Let's do it again some day.  Luv u


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