New Year's Resolution: Be a Better Person

So I've got a bit of a problem and I don't know what it is.  When I was at school, I was fine and dandy. Now I'm home and I'm crumbling.  All my faults, all the traits that used to drive me crazy, all the things I thought I had moved beyond are back – and I'm not sure why.

Is it because I've got too much time to myself, to sit and think, doing nothing?  I don't think so.  After all, it's not like I was a social butterfly or a busy bee.  Although I have less responsibility right now, I don't think that is why.

Is it because I'm with peers less often?  Quite possibly.  With no one at home that relates to me or takes time to get to know me or goes out of their way to see me, it's a very different world here at home than it is at school.  And when I'm with peers, I am so busy being their friend that I don't have time to think about my issues.

Is it because I've returned back to the place where all my troubles lie?  I admit, this seems likely.  The emotional and psychological scarring that happened over the past two years (due to the fact that I'm a self-proclaimed martyr) is still with me.  I don't think I've truly forgiven those people who made my life miserable – although, actually, I have only myself to blame.

Ah, but see!  I take everything upon myself.  Every problem is my fault – is because of some defect of mine, some lack of virtue.  (How often I've begun to wish that I could tell people, "When you ask me if something's wrong, if I say, 'No, nothing,' but you're pretty sure there is, there is.  And I'm not trying to block you out, it's just that I'm denying – even to myself – that there's a problem.")  Now, this is true – when I struggle against something, it is because I am not yet equal to it – I do not have what is needed to cut it down swiftly and painfully.  But that does not mean that everything is my fault – it only means that I have to keep trying.  My New Year's resolution is to start admitting when things are wrong; and then, when I do, not to brush it off so that others "don't worry about it."  LET THEM WORRY ABOUT IT!!!  They're my friends and family!  They should be worrying about me a bit.  And now I have people who won't treat me like a poor little kid who can't possibly do it without constant encouragement but will be genuinely concerned about what I'm trying to do.  And who knows?  It's been quite a while since I've given anyone a chance to be worried about me.

And I've begun to suspect that I'm shutting myself off to my family and family friends.  Because I've now got people who care and who are easier to get along with, I've stopped trying with the people at home.  But then, it's like being a "superior being" surrounded by pigmy people and denying that they have as much dignity and trouble as yourself.  And it just might be driving me crazy trying to be among them and deal with them while remaining aloof and indifferent – and anyway, they deserve more than that.

But there I go again – taking all the blame on myself.  THEY ARE AT FAULT!  – But that's okay, because we have all made mistakes.  It's time to accept that – not ignore it – and move on.

~Meggy

P.S.  Interesting, isn't it?  "Social Butterfly" refers to the way a social person is flitting about.  Butterflies aren't necessarily social – "butterfly" refers to the way a person is flying from one person to teh next.  "Busy Bee" refers to the dedicated way a bee works and likening it to the way a person is working.  Or so I've understood them.  Interesting how comparative phrases work, isn't it?