Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I Have Feelings

You know that feeling when you think you're bothering someone but you talk to him (hypothetical gender neutrality law) anyway and you walk away from the brief conversation like "yeah, I was totally right in the first place"?  And you feel even worse than you normally would because you knew what would happen but you tried anyway, so now you're embarrassed as well as hurt.  But the thing is, he (gender-neutrality-in-example law) didn't mean to be snide but that's why it bothers you – you knew you would get hurt but you cared enough to try and ended up going down in flames.  And you relish the attention, perhaps all the more, you get from someone else – but you still long to make up for lost time with the other person because of that awkward conversation.

Yeah, I have that feeling.

You know that feeling when you miss someone but you get the feeling he (speculative gender neutrality law) hardly knows you exist?  And you tried to be a presence in his (academic speculative gender neutrality law) life, but now that he's (upper level academic speculative gender neutrality law) away, you get the distinct feeling that you didn't even leave a dot on his (definitive expert academic speculative gender neutrality law) canvas.

Yeah, I have that feeling.

You know that feeling when you are feeling completely open with someone, and then you suddenly feel like you've taken a step backward?  And nothing happened between you two, but something is gnawing at your heart, making you uncomfortable around her (conjectured gender law).

Yeah, I have that feeling.

You know that feeling when you were good friends with someone – undoubtedly for infinity and beyond – but certain things about her (gender of notion law) personality and certain things about your personality clash to the extent that you just don't spend much time with each other?  And you have no quarrel, but you never see each other, and you fear that the relationship paradigm is, to her (supposed gender neutrality law), different from the way you see it.

Yeah, I have that feeling.

You know that feeling when you meet a nice guy who seems interested in you and your best friend swears he's (strictly literal gender meaning law) checking you out but you're not sure you're interested? And you don't really want to lead him (imperatively masculine gender law) on and you don't really want to date without good reason but you don't want to have any awkward relationships, or rule out something that might be your destiny.

Yeah, I have that feeling.

Life is complicated.  I'm a very sarcastic, cynical person when you get to know me – blame it on my daddy.  But I'm also fairly easygoing – blame my quiet upbringing.  I want to be friends with everyone – but not everyone wants to be friends with me – and not everyone wants to be "just friends" with me.  So I'm told.

The man I have a crush on hardly gives me the time of day, the guy who is apparently checking me out is apparently really cute(??), and I just want everyone else to know me for me.  I'm scared to be myself because I can be very sarcastic and that doesn't go over well with all personalities.  But if you give me encouragement, I can take my cues from you.

I'm not bitter.  I rejoice.  I learn with each passing day that I'm normal.  I learn with each passing moment that I love people.  I learn with each passing week that I love fun and being crazy.  I learn with each passing decision that I have bravery that hardly counts as bravery because I'm not afraid anymore. I love it here.

Yeah, I have that feeling.

So tell me, were the imaginary gender laws just annoying or did the theme give the impression that I wasn't being entirely straight with you, as was my intention?  And I hope it made sense even though I attempted to be vague.



  1. I liked the imaginary gender laws, but I got a bit lost with them in that second paragraph. :p

    I know most of those feelings, too. Especially the one about wanting to make an impact on someone - I hate feeling that way because it seems really selfish. :p

    Here's hoping you get it all straightened out.

    1. Yeah, it got too complicated somewhere in there – I probably should have kept it simple.
      ("That sentence did get away from me, yeah.")

      I'm sure it'll all work itself out. Even while I'm anxious over each situation, I'm half enjoying them. And my friend is helping me along with her experience and empathy – I'm really loving it!


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