"Well, anyway – blah blah blah – long story longer"

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I was writing in my journal one day and I wrote:

When I see his face, I do not see perfection, but I want to go on looking anyway.  Is that love?

I paused; then went on:

Oh, I pray it is love!  If it is only the beginning of love, oh what, God, You must feel for us!

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A concept that is sometimes hard for me to remember:

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The only remedy for love is to love more.  You won't conquer it; you shouldn't conquer it.  So, love so much that when it leaves your control and flies with its own wings, you can't help but smile through the pain.

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After the most recent election, I sat back, disappointed, and thought stubbornly, "You would have no power over me unless it were given you from above."

But then I looked at my blog and cried.  And I looked at the blogs I follow and cried.  What had we done to further our cause?

We were silent.

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Have you ever loved so much that you didn't know it, but when you met someone, in his absence, who had many of the same mannerisms, you felt your heart break in longing for his presence?

Have you ever known anyone with a genuinely beautiful smile – the kind that he/she isn't even aware of?

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It's easy for me to sit back and say with assurance, "The Church will not be defeated.  Let the world figure out what it is like without us and then we'll be back, like always, to rebuild from the rubble."  For it's true.  So why fret?  ...But in the meantime, so many souls will be lost in the chaos.  Unless we continue to fight.

But on the other hand, in twenty or thirty years, if no laws are made directly against the Church, large Catholic families will rule the world, will be the majority.  And abortion had better be ready to fight when that happens.  [Just making this up, by the way, I'm not basing it off actual figures.]

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Dr. Steve Ray:

"The blood of the martyrs is the seed of the Church."

"Do you know who understands it better than we do?  Satan."

      (-on the importance of the person)

"We might be despised for what we do – but don't forget, there are those who are impressed."

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When you fall in love, don't ask, "Will he make me happy?"  Ask, "Can I make him happy?"  Your happiness will lie in his.

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Men: Don't worry – men who are too perfect turn me off.  Don't be afraid to fail – I want to be your saving grace.

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*contain

~Meggy

Today the Gray Dripped from the Sky

http://thethoughtsofthemadelvishpoet.blogspot.com/2013/01/today-gray-dripped-from-sky.html

Today the Gray Dripped from the Sky

I recommend this post by the Mad Elvish Poet because I think it is simply spot on.

~Meggy

I Have Feelings

You know that feeling when you think you're bothering someone but you talk to him (hypothetical gender neutrality law) anyway and you walk away from the brief conversation like "yeah, I was totally right in the first place"?  And you feel even worse than you normally would because you knew what would happen but you tried anyway, so now you're embarrassed as well as hurt.  But the thing is, he (gender-neutrality-in-example law) didn't mean to be snide but that's why it bothers you – you knew you would get hurt but you cared enough to try and ended up going down in flames.  And you relish the attention, perhaps all the more, you get from someone else – but you still long to make up for lost time with the other person because of that awkward conversation.

Yeah, I have that feeling.

You know that feeling when you miss someone but you get the feeling he (speculative gender neutrality law) hardly knows you exist?  And you tried to be a presence in his (academic speculative gender neutrality law) life, but now that he's (upper level academic speculative gender neutrality law) away, you get the distinct feeling that you didn't even leave a dot on his (definitive expert academic speculative gender neutrality law) canvas.

Yeah, I have that feeling.

You know that feeling when you are feeling completely open with someone, and then you suddenly feel like you've taken a step backward?  And nothing happened between you two, but something is gnawing at your heart, making you uncomfortable around her (conjectured gender law).

Yeah, I have that feeling.

You know that feeling when you were good friends with someone – undoubtedly for infinity and beyond – but certain things about her (gender of notion law) personality and certain things about your personality clash to the extent that you just don't spend much time with each other?  And you have no quarrel, but you never see each other, and you fear that the relationship paradigm is, to her (supposed gender neutrality law), different from the way you see it.

Yeah, I have that feeling.

You know that feeling when you meet a nice guy who seems interested in you and your best friend swears he's (strictly literal gender meaning law) checking you out but you're not sure you're interested? And you don't really want to lead him (imperatively masculine gender law) on and you don't really want to date without good reason but you don't want to have any awkward relationships, or rule out something that might be your destiny.

Yeah, I have that feeling.

Life is complicated.  I'm a very sarcastic, cynical person when you get to know me – blame it on my daddy.  But I'm also fairly easygoing – blame my quiet upbringing.  I want to be friends with everyone – but not everyone wants to be friends with me – and not everyone wants to be "just friends" with me.  So I'm told.

The man I have a crush on hardly gives me the time of day, the guy who is apparently checking me out is apparently really cute(??), and I just want everyone else to know me for me.  I'm scared to be myself because I can be very sarcastic and that doesn't go over well with all personalities.  But if you give me encouragement, I can take my cues from you.

I'm not bitter.  I rejoice.  I learn with each passing day that I'm normal.  I learn with each passing moment that I love people.  I learn with each passing week that I love fun and being crazy.  I learn with each passing decision that I have bravery that hardly counts as bravery because I'm not afraid anymore. I love it here.

Yeah, I have that feeling.

So tell me, were the imaginary gender laws just annoying or did the theme give the impression that I wasn't being entirely straight with you, as was my intention?  And I hope it made sense even though I attempted to be vague.

~Meggy

Down and Out – But Going On

Back at school – more to come.

~Meggy

Everyone Needs a Little VeggieTales Now and Then

 

~Meggy

Hey low

Having seen "The Hobbit" for the second time now, I better noticed all of its defects and the things that didn't sit right with me the first time were much more prominent (thanks in part to all the complaining people have been doing – thanks a lot, guys).  I don't dare say for fear of ruining it for you by pointing out things that heresofar haven't bothered you, but they stood out to me and will probably always bother me.

But I don't care!  There are things about the LOTR trilogy which drive me crazy if I let them – so of course, I'm careful not to let them drive me crazy.  It was FUN – and that's the important thing, right?  It seems to stick pretty close to the feel of the book (plus the appendices) and there are things about it which are brilliant – so LOVE IT ALREADY!  I'm making a conscious decision to avoid criticizing it in future.

Okay, so I'm not sure why exactly I decided to say that, except that there are certain conditions that make me want to write and several of those conditions are present so there you are.  Yes, I did just make up the word heresofar and hey, I like it!  If I separated it into three words, it would still be somewhat made up but not nearly as cool so....  I think it's a combination of hereto or hitherto and so far.

And that's my mind today – a little weird; but I'm so tired that even my dreams are about me being so tired that I can't stay awake.  So my mind is a little... strange right now.  And it's not helped by the fact that I have been trying to drive and just see in general without my glasses – and I think I may need a stronger prescription again... much to my disappointment.  Contacts might be coming soon – much to my dad's disappointment 'cause he'll be paying for them.

And with that, I have to change so I can go accept some scholarship money so I can buy a new computer.  Yay.

(If you understand the title of this entry, you're as creepy as I am – just sayin'.)

~Meggy

New Year's Resolution: Be a Better Person

So I've got a bit of a problem and I don't know what it is.  When I was at school, I was fine and dandy. Now I'm home and I'm crumbling.  All my faults, all the traits that used to drive me crazy, all the things I thought I had moved beyond are back – and I'm not sure why.

Is it because I've got too much time to myself, to sit and think, doing nothing?  I don't think so.  After all, it's not like I was a social butterfly or a busy bee.  Although I have less responsibility right now, I don't think that is why.

Is it because I'm with peers less often?  Quite possibly.  With no one at home that relates to me or takes time to get to know me or goes out of their way to see me, it's a very different world here at home than it is at school.  And when I'm with peers, I am so busy being their friend that I don't have time to think about my issues.

Is it because I've returned back to the place where all my troubles lie?  I admit, this seems likely.  The emotional and psychological scarring that happened over the past two years (due to the fact that I'm a self-proclaimed martyr) is still with me.  I don't think I've truly forgiven those people who made my life miserable – although, actually, I have only myself to blame.

Ah, but see!  I take everything upon myself.  Every problem is my fault – is because of some defect of mine, some lack of virtue.  (How often I've begun to wish that I could tell people, "When you ask me if something's wrong, if I say, 'No, nothing,' but you're pretty sure there is, there is.  And I'm not trying to block you out, it's just that I'm denying – even to myself – that there's a problem.")  Now, this is true – when I struggle against something, it is because I am not yet equal to it – I do not have what is needed to cut it down swiftly and painfully.  But that does not mean that everything is my fault – it only means that I have to keep trying.  My New Year's resolution is to start admitting when things are wrong; and then, when I do, not to brush it off so that others "don't worry about it."  LET THEM WORRY ABOUT IT!!!  They're my friends and family!  They should be worrying about me a bit.  And now I have people who won't treat me like a poor little kid who can't possibly do it without constant encouragement but will be genuinely concerned about what I'm trying to do.  And who knows?  It's been quite a while since I've given anyone a chance to be worried about me.

And I've begun to suspect that I'm shutting myself off to my family and family friends.  Because I've now got people who care and who are easier to get along with, I've stopped trying with the people at home.  But then, it's like being a "superior being" surrounded by pigmy people and denying that they have as much dignity and trouble as yourself.  And it just might be driving me crazy trying to be among them and deal with them while remaining aloof and indifferent – and anyway, they deserve more than that.

But there I go again – taking all the blame on myself.  THEY ARE AT FAULT!  – But that's okay, because we have all made mistakes.  It's time to accept that – not ignore it – and move on.

~Meggy

P.S.  Interesting, isn't it?  "Social Butterfly" refers to the way a social person is flitting about.  Butterflies aren't necessarily social – "butterfly" refers to the way a person is flying from one person to teh next.  "Busy Bee" refers to the dedicated way a bee works and likening it to the way a person is working.  Or so I've understood them.  Interesting how comparative phrases work, isn't it?