All You Need is Love

Hello, world.  I've been so busy and stressed out lately that I've fallen behind in my blog reading.  I'm getting caught up this week, as I'm on break, but it's going to be a while most likely.

I was glad to be home.  I missed my team – my brother and sisters – and I was glad to see my dad.  When I saw my mom, I was glad and a little surprised by her complacent and pleasurable nature.  I was glad to be home.

Flying is so wonderful – and I love flying at night over the cities.  Boston is absolutely amazing at night.  It's like looking at black holes in a star-ridden sky.  When the light hits the water just right, you can see the amazing power contained in the ripples as the wings of the plane nearly dip into them.

But my mother smothers me.  I never felt free to be me and express myself.  She tries to protect me and make sure I don't go wild, but I am wild.  I have to get crazy once in a while.  I have to get obnoxious once in a while and do things that she doesn't entirely approve of.  I'm not talking about sinning – I'm just talking about not being entirely respectable and reserved.  I appreciate her concern and her attempts to keep me pure – so far it has worked fairly well.  But there are things you can do even on your own in a hole in the ground under a rock with no modern resources – whether you realize what you're doing or not.  And if you don't realize what you're doing, the willful sin is not there, but you can get into such a mess.  So my mother may be very protective and careful, but it has left me ignorant in so many ways.

She is my mother so I love her.  But she is so suppressive.  I just want to go back to school where my friends are so I can figure myself out.  I can't do that here anymore – in fact, I never could.  I am shoved so roughly into a mould that I could never figure out just who I am.  In fact, I struggle with that in some of my relationships.  I always thought that either I would be the depressing bore always looking down and trying not to draw attention to myself or I would be the cute little fairy always anxious to please with a smile on my face and a cheerful attitude.  Neither one is the person I want to be but I thought it was inevitable.  Because I thought that who you were was what other people needed you to be.

I am neither of those people.  I am a fun but melancholic sweetheart with a head for trouble and a heart of gold.  My mouth doesn't run out of battery fast enough sometimes and almost never recharges as fast as I'd like.  My heart is so strong that it can build walls in two seconds flat, and my head is so overstimulated that I can scan a room three times and stare right at who or what I'm looking for and not see it.  My body is so insecure that it leans when it is given attention and collapses in confusion when the affection is erratic or discontinued.  I love to smile and I bring joy to those people around me when I do.  People don't mind and even appreciate my sarcasm and cynicism.  People need me and enjoy, even actively seek out my company.  Even when I feel like I've done something incredibly stupid, most people don't appear to be swayed in the least.

I've realized that there is no such thing as an entirely innocent and perfect person.  We all have something locked inside us that makes us weaker than we'd like.  Everyone has an insecurity; everyone has that one person that they try so desperately to please; and everyone is afraid of losing the people near to them.  I can be and am one of those people that a person is afraid to lose.

It still takes me by surprise when someone says, "It's good to see you," or "I've missed you!" or "Want to eat together?"  Because I've been so starved of this attention, I thought that such happenings were rare – at least for someone as pathetic as me.  I always imagined that it would be really special and dramatic.  It's not.  "It's good to see you," doesn't mean that they desperately need you with a passion that will fill your every emotional vacancy.  But that makes it all the more special.  "Want to eat together?" means that he (or she, it doesn't matter) likes to be around you and enjoys the perk you bring to his day.

Most people have a lot of contacts in their phone's contact list.  When someone sends me a casual text, I'm extremely touched; it means I stand out from the rest of the list (except in some cases, in which I begin to suspect that he's just making the rounds and/or his finger randomly picked me this time).

Maybe my blog isn't the place for this.  But I think you can all identify with this in some way.  Again, this is another long rant – my writing seems to tend toward that these days.  I'm more excitable on the outside lately; but inside and on the page, I am deeper and more philosophical.  I have difficult and pressing questions on my heart.  The serious thoughts that fill my head now are very real and deserve my concern.  Before, they were imagined or I had no decision to make: I was stuck and I wanted passion and excitement in my life.

I miss my friends.  They bring such love to my life.  I love my brother and sisters but they are too young and too tied down by the mentality at home to understand.  My friends know I'm broken and know I want to have fun and know that I'm different and unique – and they are 100% okay with that.  What's more, they are not so busy trying to hide their own hurt that they can't be open with me and for me.

If you don't have this blessed miracle now, I pray that someday you do – and even that you have the heartaches that go with it.  It is so beautiful and so pure and so necessary for the human person.

"The LORD GOD said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a suitable partner for him.'"

~Meggy

P.S. Please pray for me and a friend of mine.  We are not on good terms, but I do not think that all is lost.  However, with all humility and pain, I must admit that he has a lot of maturing to do if our friendship is to ever to solidify.  Pray for our mutual maturity and forgiveness and strength and purity.  Anything you can give us I will forever be indebted to you for.  Seeing him fills me with such regret because I know he is struggling far more than I am.  Pray that God fills me with His divine love for this man He has created and that I love him and do all for him for his sake and not for my own.

My First Heartbreak

To all those who have read between the lines, yes, I have a crush on someone.  To all those who just read the last entry on what I've learned about relationships, it wasn't him.

No, this lesson learned came from a boy that was a mere distraction.  When I thought he actually cared about me, I began to fall in love with him.  When I realized that we were heading down a rough path, I began to rethink what we'd been doing.  I decided that we needed to change some things.  Then this past Sunday happened, and I got back to my dorm and had a good cry.  Then I thought of all the times he had made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and I carved him out of my heart.

Good gracious grief, I wish we could go back to the way it was.  He was a great friend until we got flirty.  It spiraled down so fast it was almost a straight line.  I remembered how he never wanted to go to the dances with me; he turned down doing things with me and my friends but later said he watched a movie with his friends; he texted me four nights in a row and then hardly acknowledged my existence for at least as long, making me wonder if I'd done something wrong.  Then he would flirt with me again.  I began to feel like the "easy girl" – the "I feel like flirting, who can I find?" girl, the "I have friends and other things I feel like doing, who needs her?" girl.

Then Sunday happened and he turned on me again.  And I carved him out of my heart and gave that piece back to him through a vague text (which mainly served to establish boundaries), which then only confirmed my fears that he did not wish to continue a friendship.

I don't know what I did.  No, I do know what I did.  But I hope that he realizes, at some point, that I want to forget the flirting and go back to the days when I sat with him when he was feeling ill and encouraged him as he headed off for his test; when he thought I was amazing; when I felt good being with him; when I felt safe being with him.

But as I bared my soul about him to my friend, thoughts of my old crush were revived.  He's not around presently, but the memories of his chivalry and his thoughtfulness won my heart in his absence.  I am careful not to take these feelings too seriously, but I do like him, and I remember why.  And I am anxious to see him again, if only because he has a beautiful smile.

And that is the man the previous posts hinted at.

~Meggy

Notes in My Journal for Next Time

Some things I've learned from my first "almost relationship" in college:

1. Don't let him get too flirty; don't let yourself get too flirty.  Especially at first, don't let it get physical.  You need to be careful of excessive or special hugs even, and very careful of snuggling.  It will not make you closer.  It will only hurt you.
2. If he's a flirt – just straight out, that's his personality – set boundaries.  If he does something that makes you even mildly uncomfortable, don't let him do it.  Don't trick yourself into thinking: "I'm not used to hugging and stuff.  I just need to chill and become more comfortable with touching."
3. If he is unclear and acting weird, don't assume that you did something wrong.  Don't mess up your head trying to figure out what you need to do to smooth things over.  Unless you fought with him or said something wrong, you don't need to do anything to bring him back around to you.  You don't need to tiptoe to please him.
4. If he makes you feel like a princess and then makes you feel like dirt, let go.  You two are through.  However good a person he may be, he is not that "good guy"for you.  You can still be friendly be with him but you need to stop crushing on him.  It doesn't matter that he helped you through rough times.  There are men out there you really do care and will go out of their way for you.  Find some, but don't spill your emotional guts all over them.
5. You are God's princess and He will send you a man who ALWAYS, not just sometimes, makes you feel like a blessed child of God.

~Meggy