Goes Away

My third week of school is over and one big thing I've learned is that nothing just goes away.  Wounds don't disappear, habits don't die, and trouble never leaves you.

I've a pretty good handle on my anxiety, but this isn't always the case.  There are times when I'm really struggling to be chill.  And there are times when I'm on top of assignments and there are times when I get back to my dorm at night with tons to do.  Sometimes I overreact or act out, and sometimes I'm too quiet.

When I found out that an ex-friend of mine got himself a girlfriend, it messed me up for a few days.  I had a debilitating physiological response when I saw him.  My palms went cold and clammy; I was shaking; I couldn't breathe fast enough to keep up with the rate of my heartbeat.  The anxiety was mind-numbing.

Twice, I saw him and the intense anxiety attack followed.  But the second time, I was prepared for it.  I calmed myself down, he didn't even see me, and the world moved on.

The problem is that I can't figure him out.  Most of the time, he ignores me; and then he'll do something like come up behind me and tickle me behind the ear.  Most of the time, I ignore him because I don't know which version of him woke up that day.  Thing is, there have been times when I know he knows I'm there – our eyes lock, I catch him glancing at me – but he doesn't try to get my attention or say hi or even smile.  Can't get so much as a "SUP."

For a while, I excused him.  I figured, we're awkward, he's conflicted over me, he's got other friends, we're not that close….  But that's a bunch of bushwinkle.

Here's a text conversation I recently had with another guy friend of mine:

Where have you been all day??  I wanted to wish you a happy birthday lol

Dorm lol

Well, then, happy birthday

Lol thanx :)

That was all.  So now I need to explain why this conversation worried me.

At the end of this chat, I had this subtle alarm going off in the back of my mind.  I was being a nuisance, insisting that I ought to have seen him around.  I was clingy, manipulative, domineering.  I was pathetic, screwing up another relationship like this.  He can do whatever he wants, and if he doesn't want to spend his birthday with me, then who am I to demand otherwise?  I'm going to lose him.  Again.  I was going to lose someone that I care about.  Again.

My ex-friend taught me to feel like this.

I won't say that I was having an anxiety attack over this brief conversation with my guy friend, but I felt like I had to back off and leave him alone for a while; let him approach me; let him know that I was indifferent, that I wasn't trying to make him do things for me.

When I saw him the next day, everything was fine and dandy.  He was happy to see me, even apologetic for being so elusive.  He gave me a hug – which are rarer these days because he has a girlfriend now – and I wished him a happy birthday.  And as we went on with our separate daily tasks, he wished me a good one.

And everything was fine.

He can't possibly know how much that stood out to me.  When I saw him in the crowd, coming down the hall, I was prepared for a mere half-smile and he would go on by.  But that is not him, and I should have known that.  He has always baffled me with the way that he insisted on being interested in me, no matter how many long awkward moments we had.  For some reason, I was never good at talking to him.  We've had many long pauses, lots of hangout sessions where we just stare at our computers and say hardly a word.  But he kept asking to hang out with me.  Even now, he is deeply devoted to his girlfriend but he still likes hanging out with me.  He's really nice, and we're not very close – but we're good.

But he made me realize, once again, that what happened with that ex-friend was not my fault.  I was naive, innocent, inexperienced… sure.  But I still am.  And lots of people still like me, get along with me, seek me out, wave at me across the room even if we've only hung out one-on-one a few times – even after my most awkward moments.  The disaster that happened between my ex-friend and me was not my fault, as I had come to believe.  After all, I was struggling with depression and had an anxiety attack when he pushed me away – but he pushed me away.

I've discovered that it's actually easier to say it was my fault than to admit that he was wrong.  Because if it was my fault, then it was not his, and he didn't hurt me.  But if it's his fault, then my heart rips open again and bleeds hard.  So I've been struggling with that with what feels like a week but has only been the past couple of days.  I'm okay, but he really did hurt me; and now every time I see him, I wonder, "Who is he?"

I don't acknowledge him, for the most part.  I've wrestled with that decision but I think it's the best one. I think most would agree, with the exception of a few people that might say that I should encourage him to think I want to be friends.  The problem with the latter philosophy is that I spent the end of last semester thinking like that and it was painful; and furthermore, it didn't work.  He was just as good at "not seeing" me when I said hi as when I didn't.  And this way, even when I look right at him, I am at least being consistent, which is my main complaint against him.  I show him that I don't want to play that game anymore.  He has no control over me; I couldn't (in practice) care less about him.  If he wants me, he has to come get me.  I'm not chasing after him anymore.  It's all on him.

Not acknowledging him also encourages me to let him go and to stop trying to make him like me.  That was my main problem last semester.  I thought that if I went out of my way to say hi, like most friends would, that he would want to be friends.  Friendship would just come naturally if I presumed it.  But he didn't read the script, apparently.  My attempts only left me feeling frustrated, rejected, and obsessed.

Crazy, as he put it.

But I've decided not to try to contact him and talk to him about it.  If we talk about it, a decision has to be reached.  I would have to say, "Either be friendly or leave me alone."  Once that decision is made, he will either stick to it or he won't, but howsoever that may be, it would be sticking a tombstone in our relationship and minimizing the room for growth.  Perhaps he will grow and mature and we could some day be friends; but not if I tell him he needs to leave me alone.  And ultimately, I'd like us to find healing one day.

So I've learned that nothing just goes away.  But that can be a good thing, too.  And the bad reminds me to cherish the good, which is oh so precious to me.

I'm genuinely bewildered by much of the good in my life, so it's awesome and amazing.  It's hard to let it do what it has to do.

~Meggy

P.S.  Did you make it all the way to the end?