Learning About People

I haven't had much to say recently because I'm living real life.  I don't need an outlet because I have people for that.  Or I'm trying to avoid being dramatic.  Or else I do need an outlet but a very private one.  So it all goes in my journal.

One observation I've made about myself is that I'm a lot less outwardly fearful.  I'm still shy and I still obsess, and I still tend to assume that it's my fault when a relationship goes sour – but I'm bolder on the outside.  I'm going to get things done if they can possible be done, and if they can't, well, I still might try.  If I want to do something, I'm not afraid to do it; and if I don't want to do something, I check to make sure it's not because I'm shy and rather because I just have no interest or because it's not a good situation to be in.

Why, there's nothing really wrong with me.  I never should have thought there is!  That's not to say that I'm a little on the reserved side and can make some really stupid socializing mistakes, but I don't think mistakes are something abnormal!  I have to tell myself that once in a while – I'm not the first to make mistakes.

It was a little hard to come to the conclusion that not all friendships are meant to be.  Unfortunately, no matter how well-intentioned two people may be, their personalities may not suit together well.  It doesn't mean that prison walls must be built but....  It was hard for me to learn to let go of relationships that just weren't blooming.  I thought that maybe it was my fault, that I wasn't good enough, that I had to do something differently, work really hard and be forgiving and ever–welcoming....  Turns out not.  It turns out that although forgiveness is a virtue, you can't just take everything as it comes, let it role off your back, and keep hitting your head against the wall that won't break down.  And you can't give someone a second chance when he doesn't want it.  You just can't.  I wanted to be "the best I can be" and be able to look back and say, "Well, I tried my best;" but I forgot myself.  I forgot my own mental and emotional health.  I was a footstool, not a person; and that's no good.  Footstools can't forgive anyway.

So I've learned a lot about people.  By analyzing myself and observing others, I know how to "surface-read" people pretty well, but I never imagined how easy it would be for me to make friends if I just assume that I can.  And I never imagined that if it were possible that people could accept me, that there would be people who couldn't as well – no matter how amazing they were otherwise!  Some personalities just don't mesh.

And then there's my best friend.  She and I could be no more dissimilar if we tried – and yet we are as close as A and S on the keyboard.  They are always RIGHT THERE.  And I guess, it might have something to do with the fact that we are so dissimilar.  One thing we do share in common is depression.  Although she was diagnosed with it and is on medication for it, I realized that it was a legitimate problem for me just this past semester.  I've begun to pinpoint the circumstances that increase the likelihood of depression, but it's not entirely predictable.  And I'm actually learning to control it, in a way; so I'm hoping that I don't have to go on medication.  If the improvement isn't steady and it fluctuates, I'll probably go on meds before I go over to Austria, because it would really suck for everyone if I'm having mood swings while we're traveling.

And so yeah.  That's kind of all I have to say right now.  You know that guy that really threw me for a loop and made me kind of depressing all round?  Some people could read it in my posts here on my blog – I was in a generally more depressed mood, though not actually depressed.  Anyway, having plenty of time to think it over and get my head wrapped around it, I wrote a song yesterday when I sat down at the piano to play.  I'm really happy with it overall, except now I'm messing with the key and I can't decide what to do with the bridge....  Might rewrite it entirely.

Anyway, TTFN!

~Meggy