Learning About People

I haven't had much to say recently because I'm living real life.  I don't need an outlet because I have people for that.  Or I'm trying to avoid being dramatic.  Or else I do need an outlet but a very private one.  So it all goes in my journal.

One observation I've made about myself is that I'm a lot less outwardly fearful.  I'm still shy and I still obsess, and I still tend to assume that it's my fault when a relationship goes sour – but I'm bolder on the outside.  I'm going to get things done if they can possible be done, and if they can't, well, I still might try.  If I want to do something, I'm not afraid to do it; and if I don't want to do something, I check to make sure it's not because I'm shy and rather because I just have no interest or because it's not a good situation to be in.

Why, there's nothing really wrong with me.  I never should have thought there is!  That's not to say that I'm a little on the reserved side and can make some really stupid socializing mistakes, but I don't think mistakes are something abnormal!  I have to tell myself that once in a while – I'm not the first to make mistakes.

It was a little hard to come to the conclusion that not all friendships are meant to be.  Unfortunately, no matter how well-intentioned two people may be, their personalities may not suit together well.  It doesn't mean that prison walls must be built but....  It was hard for me to learn to let go of relationships that just weren't blooming.  I thought that maybe it was my fault, that I wasn't good enough, that I had to do something differently, work really hard and be forgiving and ever–welcoming....  Turns out not.  It turns out that although forgiveness is a virtue, you can't just take everything as it comes, let it role off your back, and keep hitting your head against the wall that won't break down.  And you can't give someone a second chance when he doesn't want it.  You just can't.  I wanted to be "the best I can be" and be able to look back and say, "Well, I tried my best;" but I forgot myself.  I forgot my own mental and emotional health.  I was a footstool, not a person; and that's no good.  Footstools can't forgive anyway.

So I've learned a lot about people.  By analyzing myself and observing others, I know how to "surface-read" people pretty well, but I never imagined how easy it would be for me to make friends if I just assume that I can.  And I never imagined that if it were possible that people could accept me, that there would be people who couldn't as well – no matter how amazing they were otherwise!  Some personalities just don't mesh.

And then there's my best friend.  She and I could be no more dissimilar if we tried – and yet we are as close as A and S on the keyboard.  They are always RIGHT THERE.  And I guess, it might have something to do with the fact that we are so dissimilar.  One thing we do share in common is depression.  Although she was diagnosed with it and is on medication for it, I realized that it was a legitimate problem for me just this past semester.  I've begun to pinpoint the circumstances that increase the likelihood of depression, but it's not entirely predictable.  And I'm actually learning to control it, in a way; so I'm hoping that I don't have to go on medication.  If the improvement isn't steady and it fluctuates, I'll probably go on meds before I go over to Austria, because it would really suck for everyone if I'm having mood swings while we're traveling.

And so yeah.  That's kind of all I have to say right now.  You know that guy that really threw me for a loop and made me kind of depressing all round?  Some people could read it in my posts here on my blog – I was in a generally more depressed mood, though not actually depressed.  Anyway, having plenty of time to think it over and get my head wrapped around it, I wrote a song yesterday when I sat down at the piano to play.  I'm really happy with it overall, except now I'm messing with the key and I can't decide what to do with the bridge....  Might rewrite it entirely.

Anyway, TTFN!

~Meggy

Summer Continues

Day Six: Sunday, 12 May, 2013

After Mass, we drove up to my grandparents’ place and picked them up and drove into Boston.  We tried to get to the Arnold Arboretum but it was Mother’s Day weekend and Lilac Sunday so the place was super crowded.  Plus there were parades and traffic….  We quit and went to an Irish pub for lunch.  It was pretty good – and the weather was nice.  And overall it was a good day.

We went back to my grandparents’ place and kinda… napped.  Then I mentioned I wanted a Frisbee and my Papa went and got me one out of his garage.  So I went out into their front yard with my siblings and we tossed it around for a while.  My baby sister (who is actually 12 now) was really good, but I had to relearn everything.  Took me just a couple minutes really.  Now I’ve got the hang of it again and I just have to perfect my technique.

Day Seven: Monday, 13 May, 2013

I went to the barn with my sister and we started work.  The owner walked with us through the first two hours and then left us to fill hay bags.  At the end of three hours, she paid us and we went home to warm showers – because, of course, the cold front came through just in time for us to start our job.  The rest of the day was rather slow since I was a little tired and cold.

I had to bring the tomato plant in because it was so cold, and that night, my dad helped me put tarps down over my vegetables to keep them safe from frost.

Day Eight: Tuesday, 14 May, 2013

I got up and went to work like the day before.  We were a few minutes late but that didn’t matter.  We fetched the Ranger and trailer, and we went through our paces.  She joined us at the end of the first two hours and had us shovel another paddock while she raked up the leaves.  This was another cold day but the wind wasn’t as cool.  Once home, I ate and played Badminton and Frisbee a bit before I showered.

My vegetables survived the night but the tomato stayed inside for the time being, and the tarp was off for only about half an hour.  My mother and I went to the nursery but someone had left the door open to the greenhouse and they lost most of their peas and beans crop.  We bought potting soil and a trellis and some seeds.

Day Nine: Wednesday, 15 May, 2013

Worked again.

This day got quite away from me.  I worked in my vegetable garden, but I feel like not very much was completed.  I dug moats around my vegetable plants to minimize runoff when I watered.  The tarps came off and the tomato went back.

Day Ten: Thursday, 16 May, 2013

Worked.

My dad stayed home today so that he could go to my sister’s horse-back-riding lesson.  I worked in and around the vegetable garden most of the afternoon (got the trellises figured out and transplanted a wild rose that is sulking and probably will not come back to life) and then doused myself in a shower.  My mom, dad, and sister had left; my other sister and my brother had no interest in leaving the house.  I braided my wet hair (because it was already after 4 o’clock in the afternoon) and drove about 40 minutes to Target.  I bought mascara and nail polish, and also a new pair of flip-flops (my old pair was getting really flimsy).

I don’t normally bother with nail polish because I’m bad at applying it, it seems like it would take up an unnecessary load of time, and I’d hate to have to keep reapplying it.  But my best friend painted my nails for the formal and….  Well, I don’t have the prettiest fingers.  They get beat up working in the dirt and washing dishes… and so on.  Then I tend to pick at the skin or whatever and they just never really look… very nice.  But the nail polish hides that somehow (to an extent).  Now that it’s summer, I’ll be working bare-handed in the dirt all the time, and it’s nail polish season anyway.  So nail polish it is!  And it lasts a pretty good time anyway, and I’ve learned it doesn’t have to be perfect!

Day Eleven: Friday, 17 May, 2013

Worked again.  The owner must have left to go riding (without mentioning it to us) because her husband came up to pay us (in a rather flustered and confused manner) and she was nowhere to be seen when we quit for the day.  Her dogs were wandering around aimlessly so we assumed she wasn’t on the property.

I worked in the garden again.  But this time, the focus was on the flower garden.  Raking things out always takes more time than you would think.  Didn’t really get a whole lot of that done, but one side of the front flowerbeds looks quite nice and one of the side gardens is starting to come together.  I also pulled jerked the border rocks out of place, pulled the weeds growing there, prettied up the dirt piling up, and rolled the rocks back into place.  My little sister was really helpful – I learned that if you give her a specific task, she can do anything; but you can’t just yell at her to “help” or she’ll be lost to you.

Then I took a good shower and chatted with a friend on Facebook (miss you, my friend!) until some friends of ours came over.  The younger two were very happy to see me and clung to me for the most part all evening.  We had beef lasagna with homemade bread, and then chocolate cake.  Then we went outside for a campfire in the improved fire pit that my mom built where the filter for the pool used to be.  My god brother – three now – was adorable.  I wish I had a transcript of everything he said that evening.  It was getting late (after ten) and we were sitting on a blanket on the sand in front of the fire.  He was sitting in my lap, and then he ended up curled up between my legs with his head on my thigh.  And in two seconds, he was out like a light.

It was just me and him.  The nightlife was chirping half-heartedly and the stars were out.  The coals were breathing and a hot flame waved up in the center of the charred logs.  I was shivering a little but he was warm and he was breathing deeply, his long eyelashes pressed against his soft cheek.  Just the two of us, on the cold sand.

~Meggy

Summer is Here

Day One: Tuesday, 7 May, 2013

I got home a little after 8 in the evening.  It wasn’t a bad car ride – not at all.  I drove for five hours before I had to quit because my eyelids were so heavy.  In the backseat, I didn’t fall asleep right away, but it wasn’t long before I was drifting off. 

Anyway, I got home – and I had leftover pizza and a favorite of mine called “red and yellow bowties” (bowtie pasta with corn, crushed tomatoes, onions, and cheese).  And I stayed up late that night in the living room before I went to bed.

Day Two: Wednesday, 8 May, 2013

I woke up to the sound of the alarm on my phone – which I had forgotten to turn off.  But I bounced out of bed, informed my roommate that I was going to Mass, and got dressed, bright and cheery.  I went to Mass, which was not as thrilling as Mass at Steubie but I didn’t expect it to be.  I went because of my deep devotion to the Eucharist and my determination to have a summer like no other.

I saw some of the Smith family today.  Brad’s non-Catholic parents are up visiting and the younger three except baby Peter were home with them.  But I saw Jessie and Brad and their daughter Anna and baby Peter.  I’m not sure why but I feel slightly intimidated by them.  I guess because I let them use me for so long but I’m now out to change my role, but that role hasn’t been established yet.  What’s more, Brad has an intense personality.  He tends to approach conversations with me as like interviews and I feel put on the spot.  I can’t help but wonder with intrepid intimidation what will happen this summer.

Back home, I rearranged my bedroom so that the two beds were pressed against one another in the middle of the room and my desk was perpendicular with the outside wall.  It makes the room look bigger.

My sister and I did a lot of cleaning that day.  I did a little bit of unpacking and I helped my sister clean her side.  I set up my lamps and cords and such; and there was a lot of sweeping to be done.  The dustpan has taken an extended leave in our room.

At the start of the season and while I was away, my parents did some landscaping.  I was impressed!  They tilled, enlarged my vegetable garden (according to my plans), extended the front path to the end of the house, built a sturdy fence around my garden, and got stone.  My mother also moved the fire pit from its place in the yard to the edge of where the aboveground pool used to be.  The plan is to put down a patio on the sand and then put up the screen house.  Sounds exciting!

Anyway, I raked my bare garden to sort of smooth things over and, well, feel like I was doing something I guess.  It wasn’t really necessary and I don’t know if it did any good – but it looked nice.

Day Three: Thursday, 9 May, 2013

I decided to sleep in because it was dark and I was tired, only to find out that this is Ascension Thursday.  We rushed out of bed only to decide that we couldn’t make the 8 at St. Camilis.  We decided on the 9 at St. Denis.  I must admit I lost my temper.  The elder of my two younger sisters can be a little annoying and high-strung when it comes to daily Mass.  But I shouldn’t have lost my temper.

It rained.  I stayed at my desk, my things unpacked and cluttering up the dining room.  I worked on the language that I invented during my theology class and I decided to start work on a story.

My imagination has been rather dry lately and I have no confidence in my own style.  But I flipped back through the pages of one of my writing notebooks and I came across a sketch I’d jotted down.  Although what I had written wasn’t very descriptive or in-depth, the scene exploded in my mind and my creativity was caught.  With a few detail changes, I could make this work – so that’s what I’m doing:

Beginnings are always hard.  Sometimes they come unexpectedly, and sometimes they haunt and taunt our futures with a deplorable lack of compassion.  But always, always – a beginning leaves something behind.  Sometimes it is childhood; sometimes it is innocence.  Sometimes it is something dreadfully important to us, and sometimes it is something that needs to be left behind; sometimes, it is both.  But beginnings always shut the door on the past.

Elizabeth Rhys’s future was unwittingly expecting a beginning.  Her beginning was rushing toward her as though released from a catapult, whistling through the air with deadly weight and ill intent.  It was a large, routine-as-usual–shattering beginning – the kind that would not allow her, ever again, to return to the time before her new beginning.  It fancied itself as bestowing upon the lass a life such as she could never wish to turn down; but many times after it came, Elizabeth reflected on the direction her life had taken and she bitterly despised the beginning.

Significant to note: Elizabeth was as common a commoner, as pleasant a peasant, as servitude a servant as any serf.  Her mother was a serf’s daughter; her father was not around when she was born.  Her mother married a poor merchant when Elizabeth was three; and Mr. Rivera – as Elizabeth always knew him – came and went as he pleased (he was away on business when each of his two daughters and his son was born).  When he was home, he sneered down on his wife and isolated Elizabeth.  He abused the youthful girl if ever he had reason to, and he assaulted her mother for the slightest provocation.  Of his own two daughters he had the highest regard, and of his son Edmond he expected big things; nonetheless, he always threatened to abandon his struggling family, and at long last, he did.  When Elizabeth was 7, he left and never returned.  He did send one letter, which Elizabeth’s mother checked for money and then promptly burned to keep the fire going.

Then life changed for the better for Elizabeth, who lived a poor, lonely life – shunned by society and bullied by her unbridled younger brother and sisters – until the age of fourteen, when her mother demanded that she must either marry or find some form of employment.  Elizabeth’s distant cousin lived a few farms away, and her brother was an under-gardener at the castle. So Elizabeth’s cousin wrote to her brother, and with his help, Elizabeth left home to work for the royal family.

Her salary was next to nothing, but it was more than what her family had earned before.  At first, she emptied chamber pots and emptied the grates and turned the spit.  By the end of the first month, her fingernails were black and her skin was dry and red.  Her hair, which was already as black as the ebony chest in the queen’s chambers, was like straw and had a dusting of ash.  Her eyes were bloodshot from the cold nights she spent wandering from chamber to chamber, stoking the coals to ensure they didn’t go out before the morn.

Then she met Robert Gregorio.  He, too, had lots of odd jobs.  He was the frail son of a knight who was once good friends with the king’s steward; the king’s steward felt indebted, for one reason or another, to Sir Gregorio, and he took on Robert as a favor.  But Robert was not exactly training to be a steward; rather, he was training to be whatsoever someone needed him to be.  By the time he was twenty, however, (and Elizabeth was seventeen) he seemed to be a sort of butler – doing everything and anything that needed tending and not already being attended to by someone else.  He had the kindest, most generous heart of anyone.

Then my sister had her horse-back-riding lesson, which I had agreed to watch but couldn’t afford to participate in.  Darling girl paid for me!  I loved being back on a horse again, but I wished to just ride.  I got bored waiting still while the instructor watched another rider.  I felt inclined to just nudge my horse out of the narrow opening in the door and kick him into a fast walk and just go in circles until the instructor could attend to me.  It was very frustrating.

Day Four: Friday, 10 May, 2013

Another sunny day!  I didn’t get up for Mass, but I was up before 9 o’clock.  I had breakfast (a practice that still feels weird) and made tea cookies for my mother and her guest who was coming over for tea!  Then I got my brother and my little sister to help me set up the badminton set and my other sister joined us for badminton.  When my mother’s friend had left, she took me, as promised, to two nurseries to get vegetables.  We got pumpkins, watermelon, two kinds of lettuce, cabbage, red onions, celery, peppers, three kinds of squash, zucchini, cucumbers, tomatoes, and rhubarb.  I also planted carrots and bush snap bean seeds, and morning glory seeds on the corners outside the fense.  It looks fantastic!  I’m so excited!

Mom also got me a job at the barn.

Day Five: Saturday, 11 May, 2013

It really doesn’t feel like Saturday.  It feels like Friday.  Perhaps it’s because I got home on Tuesday.

This morning was partly sunny when I woke up.  Knowing that rain was expected, I got up (right before 8 o’clock), and I went outside to spread compost and transplant some daylilies from the back to the long edge of the fence around my garden.  It looks great!  I also dropped some leftover flower seeds from last year in with the daylilies, hoping for some variety – we’ll see!

The rest of the day is rainy.  I’m in a comfy shirt-pajama pants combo, and I did some more unpacking and some reading.  The rest of the day holds more of same, with the possibility of going to a First Communion party.  And maybe Confession.

~Meggy